Friday, October 31, 2008

October 31

Nothing else screams "fall" to me better than the sickingly sweet, chewy, cavity inducing, good in small quantities, handful of candy corn! I love candy corn and I have ashamedly consumed insanely large amounts the last couple of days. My mom keeps a glass jar full in the kitchen and I grab a handful everytime I walk by, NOT GOOD! (So much for that healthy blog, huh?...P.S. Thank you to all of you for your input and advice, it's all great information that I plan on using...well, hopefully!)

Tonight I'm going to eat ALL the candy I want to, because I CAN! haha In fact, I'm eating chocolate at the office right now. It's really useless to try and be healthy right before the Holidays. With a pumpkin pie, apple pie and candy corn at my house right now, neglecting them would be wrong and torturous for me! Plus, we all know that Thanksgiving and Christmas bring SO MUCH good food! I'm already making my New Years resolution to shed the pounds that the Holidays so generously will give me. I'm staying on the gym though...that will definitely help!

Is tomorrow really November 1st?!? That is insane. I can't believe that we are almost through 2008. This year FLEW by. I started my job in January and it's almost been a year since I began, that is crazy!!

Well, to all you Halloween celebrators out there, Happy Halloween! I still have not found my costume for the masquerade ball tonight and I'm kind of just considering dressing up as nothing. I may just go and buy a white eye mask from Hobby Lobby and decorate it before tonight. That way, I'll at least have the mask part down.

I got home last night at 5:15pm after work and laid down to take a 45 min. nap. Well I slept until 2:45 am!!That 45 min nap turned into like 9 hours!! I then went back to bed at 3:00 am, so I got a nice 12 hours of sleep last night. You think I was tired? Umm, yeah.

Sadly, I went to a blog today that I have been following for some time now to be abruptly notified that I was "out of the club"- not invited to read anymore. I was pretty sad. Hope you're doing okay! (You know who you are.)

Thats all for today, my friends! I hope you all have a fabulous night and a wonderful weekend!!! TGIF =)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Exercise and eating habits...

I attended spin class at the gym again last night. 2 weeks in a row! I'm on a roll, ya'll!! (Yes, I say "ya'll"...I'm a southerner and darn proud of it!) I've made a promise to my body that I would get her back in shape and I made a goal to attend spin at LEAST once a week, if not twice. So far, so good. I always feel like I really work out when I do that class, moreso than when I follow my own routine. Perhaps the lack of breaking and the urge to push through when you see everyone else going 90 mph has something to do with it. I refuse to be left behind so I'm forced to get my butt in gear! It's rather fun as well. Fun music, adrenaline and lots of energy! My leg muscles are severely strained and hurting like nobody's business. I'm most definitely feeling the (good) consequences. If you have not tried it, I highly recommend! You will not be disappointed and you will get a good work out!

I am really trying to actually use my gym membership who so generously deducts that nice amount out of my bank account each month. It's a shame that I have not taken full advantage of the membership that I pay for and I am determined to change that entirely. I need to work out and not just because I'd like to shed a few pounds but also because it just makes me feel better altogether.

I'm definitely no health nut and my eating habits are TERRIBLE. I rarely eat breakfast because the thought of food at 6:00 am literally makes me ill. I go to lunch at 2:00 pm everyday and by that time I am starving, so I eat whatever we have at the house of which is easy and quick and that usually comes down to mac and cheese, leftovers from the previous night, PB&J (I actually LOVE PB&J) or just whatever I can find (and is hardly ever healthy). Come dinnertime, I am not the least bit hungry simply because I have eaten just a couple hours before during my late lunch hour. So, at around 9:00pm-10:00pm I get really hungry again and of course, that is the WORST time to eat! How do I change this?! I have tried, really. But once those later hours roll around, I just want to binge on any food I can find and it is utterly awful simply because most of the time it is junk and I tend to ashamedly consume fairly large portions. Oh the shame. =/

I want to be a healthy eater, I really do. I love various vegetables and fruits but I also love sweets and candy =/ haha. I often skim all of these healthy blogs, vegan blogs, and vegetarian blogs and get all inspired to start eating healthier and then wham, I get a craving for something not so healthy and completely give in. (Would you believe that someone just came in my office with a bucket FULL of halloween candy and chocolate and insisted that I grab tons of it, in which I did. For shame.)

I'm pathetic.

I'm motivated.

I'm hungry.

I want chocolate!

I hate chocolate.

I'm starving.

I'm never eating again.

It's a vicious cycle, my friends.

Does everyone struggle with this or were you all just born healthy?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Weekend findings and savings, getting in the holiday spirit and other randoms...

After much thought and consideration, I splurged. =/ I told myself I needed it because I was running low in the fragrance arena and since I had owned it before and LOVED it, I just knew I wouldn't be disappointed. I have such a difficult time spending $80.00 on perfume!! For a bottle of liquid, $80.00?!? It's just crazy. So, I was on a hunt to find my all time favorite fragrance for a good deal because I am all about a bargain and yes, I will hunt all day until I get my deal! After trying all of the department stores and being sorely disappointed by their prices I remembered that our mall contained a "Perfumania"! I waltzed over there and sure enough, they had it! I asked the price for the big bottle and the medium bottle in which she responded, "$79.99 for the big bottle and $59.99 for the medium sized bottle". Wow, a whole .01 cent cheaper! So, I of course played the "I'm not interested, it was the same price at Dillards" card and attempted to walk off when she abruptly stopped me and offered me the BIG bottle for $59.99! How could I resist or turn that down. She was offering me the big bottle for the same price as the small bottle. I took it and I basically smell amazing now. I'm happy to say that "Envy Me" By Gucci is my signature scent, again! =)

Can I just say that I love Uggs?! I never thought I'd actually say that. I never tried a pair and I found a knock off camel and dark brown pair at Ross for $14.99. Of course, they were NOT the real Uggs. I wanted to see if I really liked them before I went out and spent $150.00 on boots! I still don't know if I can bring myself to spend $150.00 on them actually. As much as I love them and having the "real" brand would be cool, I'm stark happy with my off-brands and they are just as cute! =) It's the little things in life. I'm really not high maintenence and I don't necessarily need name brand apparel although I'm not completely opposed either. I guess I'm somewhere in the middle. I like my name brand perfume but I can stand to wear the off brand Uggs, there you have it!

Now you know that I am pretty frugal but do feel the need to splurge every once in a great while. ;)

Now, to all of you on your "spending freezes", please let me in on your secret because I assure you, this would be VERY difficult for me! I'm not a big spender but I do spend money on a lot of little things and I am most definitely a bargain shopper thus resulting in me spending money on useless material or things simply because it's only $3.00!! RIDICULOUS! I did pretty good this weekend though.

The holidays are QUICKLY approaching and this cold weather is a nice usher in! Last night my parents and I went out for dinner and then went around to some stores and looked at the Christmas displays as we sipped on starbucks. I know, it's a little early for that right now but I was SO in the mood! This is the absolute best time of year in my opinion! I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and looking forward to it all is so exciting. Of course, I was raised in a very loving home where we have silly, yet meaningful traditions, we decorate nearly everything, cook and bake until our hearts are content or our stomachs are full, have numerous parties, shop together and still never stop going until it's Jan 1. We're pretty crazy fanatics and we have so much fun! I love it. I bought a Frank Sinatra christmas cd for $4.00 last night. I love Frank! Who doesn't love Frank??

I've neglected to talk much about Halloween simply because I don't really celebrate it. I don't particularly like what it stands for but have nothing against those who do celebrate it. I love pumpkin carving, dressing up and candy but I just don't like the feeling that the word "Halloween" gives me. Call me crazy. We're having a masquerade ball at The Red Door on October 31 and I have yet to find out what I am going to dress up as. I can't bring myself to spend money on a costume and I really don't have much to work with. I suppose I could serve the punch in black and white attire should that be my last resort.

Well, I suppose I should get back to work now. Did I mention that it was 35 degrees this morning??! For those of you who don't know, I live in Florida! We're not used to it being that cold in October. I love it though, oddly! We're going to have a fire tonight, carve pumpkins and drink coffee! Oh and my mom promised to make me a pumpkin pie! Could it get any better?

Hope you're all having a wonderful week and all you northerners are staying warm as I can imagine how cold it must be up there considering our unlikely conditions down here!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Weekend in pictures! :)

My beautiful best friend, Meagan and I.

Meagan, Brittany and I

Meagan, Mandy and I

And Meagan and I again at Starbucks :) Love this gal!

And just for kicks, look how long my hair is getting!! (Okay maybe it's the way I'm tilting my head, but it's still growing!)
Thats all for now! =)

Friday, October 24, 2008

I have problems...


Remember this? That procedure was well over 2 months ago and I STILL have numbness in my lip from it that seems to be getting worse as time progresses =/ I've called my dentist and they stated that it's a bruised nerve. Uhhh, okay. Well, will it ever actually un-bruise and feel NORMAL again?? I hate this. I hate the dentist and I hate having a numb bottom lip. I know that there are surgical procedures that can be done to repair it but I think I'd rather put up with a numb lip than have surgery. Odd, I know but that is just the way that I am.

My contact lenses suck. I buy them at least once every three months when they are supposed to last 6 and they cost quite a bit! It's so annoying. I use Acuvue Advance because I have horrible astigmitism and these are supposedly better for that problem...NOT. My left contact always gets cloudy after about 3 days of wearing it which is NOT cool. I do what every contact wearer is supposed to do, take them out every single night, thoroughly clean them, daily change the solution in which they soak in overnight and I even buy the most expensive saline solution! I have very sensitive eyes and I can't use the cheap stuff. However, after all of that, this problem presumes. I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the actual contact brand. I'm just so sick of it. Any other contact wearers out there who face this problem?

In short, I have a numb bottom lip and a cloudy left eye causing slightly blurred vision...awesome.

I guess it could be a lot worse...

At least it's Friday.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


Ughhh, this guy came into the office today asking about my job description of which I politely replied, giving him a list of all the things I am responsible for (customer service, bank sales, auto sales, quoting, receptionist duties, customer retention etc.).

He so nicely responded, "Your job isn't really THAT HARD and I'm sure you don't work THAT HARD."

And then proceeded to state "You should trade jobs with me for a day and see what a hard worker really does."

First of all Mr. Whatshisface, I never asked your opinion or implied that my job was "THAT HARD".

Second, you are the one who asked me this absurd question and I politely responded to your odd questioning as your demeanor was entirely familiar to that of a "smart a".

Third, you really have NO IDEA about my job, what I do daily or the stress that I have undergone, the nasty people who call simply to cuss me out about something I had absolutely nothing to do with, the people who come in to yell at my face, the sexist biggots I have to put up with EVERY MONTH, the studying I have done, the learning curve I have somewhat gotten, the millions of crazy little complications that come up throughout the day of which you have to dig for answers and the list goes on.

I love my job and I DO apply myself. I do not appreciate you demeaning me simply because I sit at the front desk and smile at jerks such as yourself.

Note* Though all of that is true, there are MANY amazing, wonderful and totally awesome customers whom I love to see and talk with. Thankfully, the good far outweigh the bad. Among those who suck, really suck and when I see them approach from the outside, my spine stiffens at the thought of what they might say or do. I try not to make eye contact and shew them away as quickly as possible.

I will not be a victim of your sexism nor will I allow you to belittle me by your "smart a" remarks about my job description.

The end.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dreaming, living, learning...

Why is it that the totality of what is real retains our desires and keeps our dreams as being simply dreams and nothing more?

Fearing to pursue your dreams and desires is a waste of dreaming.

Why have hopeful thoughts and wish for something attainable if you'll fail to make strides toward a goal in order to fulfill a purpose you believe you were created for?

Stepping outside of comfort and stability is the first stride you must make, yet is probably the most difficult. Believing in yourself, clinging to your faith and trust and staying true to who you are and what you believe defines a person. I believe I have not fully encountered and pursued that which I was created for. I believe that God has a much bigger plan than I even have for myself, yet my human mind cannot grasp nor can fathom the mystery of His purpose, the secrets of His heart and the vastness of His thoughts. I guess there really are no words I can say, write or even feel to describe what I feel, it's utterly impossible. I could sit here and type a million words and probably never get my point across because it goes far beyond myself and this english vocabulary that I humbly attempt to utilize hoping to successfully convey that which is confined within my small brain and big heart seem to be more of a strain. Words spill over blunderingly, severley straining the powers of endurance in hopefulness. Hopefulness that whoever reads this isn't totally and completely confused and can somehow and in some way remotely understand ?? If not, then still my time was not spent wastefully. No. I'm entering a new place where opinions of man are not of highest value to me, I've allowed that to get the best of me and to consume a good percentage of my thoughts, thus enforcing my actions and greatly affecting my self esteem. I know who I am. My identity lies not in myself or my striving efforts to be someone, but in He who created me and knows my every thought, hope, desire, wish, intricate detail, feelings, hurts, weaknesses, pride, what I'm going through, and how I truly feel even when I, myself don't understand. My mind cannot comprehend this truth but I know that it is truth.

If I don't have faith and if I don't believe then I am of no value or worth and life is of no importance. How am I supposed to live without a purpose? I can't begin to believe that life just "happened". I'm a dreamer, I wish, I believe, I have faith and I know that my faith is what keeps me going because if not for that, I would be in a dreadful place right now.

If not for the fact that this is all for something more, something holding meaning and something beyond me then I would have given up long ago. Nothing has been wasted, no time has been consumed, no tear has been in vain and no pain has been without reason or without deep meaning. I've hurt. I've withstood. I've backed up. I've observed. I've kept silent. I've said much. I've been doubtful. I've been fearful. I've lost hope. I've lost trust. I've been bitter. I've let pain overrule me and I've had shame but I've also forgiven and been forgiven and I've objected to everything that poisons my heart and that taints my pure thoughts.

My Faith has kept me strong and I've continued dreaming. Don't kill your dreams for fear of what they might say. Don't neglect your heartfelt desires because they seem impossible. There's more than I thought, there's more than I know and there's so much more that I've yet to discover.

Endeavoring on a journey so adventurous, bewildering, alarming and totally frightening, I must.

Life is what you make it. I have the power to change my perspective and to look beyond my current circumstances. I am no longer subject to that which brings me down and wishes to defeat me.

I got the cutest dress...

Adorable, eh? And the best part- a mere $24.00 is all that was spent!!! If that is not a deal, I don't know what is, my friends! I just felt the need to share. No clue why, but there you have it. Don't be jealous. =)

I needed a "break" from the political stuff, thus I figured I would simply share my most recent and fabulous purchase. What a deal.

Have a spectacular night and happy shopping!

Psalm 139

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me

You know when I sit and when I rise you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down, You are familiar with all my ways

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn if I settle on the far side of the sea even there your hand will guide me your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake I am still with you.

If only you would slay the wicked, O God!

Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

They speak of you with evil intent your adversaries misuse your name.

Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?

I have nothing but hatred for them I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

Monday, October 20, 2008

Did that really all just happen?

Wow. What a crazy weekend.

It kind of all feels like a blur. Or a nightmare for a lack of better words. I'm exhausted and it took every bit of strength inside of me (which isn't much) to pull myself out of bed at 6:00 am this morning to get ready for work. Had I not taken Friday off due to the tragic circumstances, I so would have called in sick this morning because I really do feel sick. Perhaps it has something to do with the lack of sleep, lack of eating and the plethora of emotions that have been released in the last couple of days. I am beat.

My sister came home today. Thank you all for your prayers and comments. Your encouraging words and scripture references really helped and it means a lot. Thank you again.

Obviously the worst is over, thank God. However, we're well aware that this is not the end and there is bound to be trials and circumstances along this journey that will try an trip us up again. I just thank God that we're all okay, we're all alive and we're all making strides toward improvement.

My Dad wants to take us all to the Interstate Fair tonight to help get everyone's minds off of everything and have some good fun, fair food and have our stomachs in knots from all the rides! I am looking forward and I think it will be good to have that family time together, of which we have been lacking. I love my family so much and I am blessed that despite our challenges and circumstances (in which every family faces) I know we are always going to be there for one another.

It's cool outside today. Cool enough for a jacket! I wore a sweater and I even had to turn on the little heater by my feet. So, I am very happy that it will be this way tonight considering we will be going to the fair. I just can't enjoy the Fall Fair when it's hot and humid outside! This crisp, cool weather is perfect and funnel cake and candy apples sound amazing right now!! :)

Goodness, I am so exhausted. I hope I make it through these next two hours and I hope that I can enjoy the fair considering I feel like a zombie right about now.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The worst part...

Leaving her in that Psychiatric Center for rehab was the equivalent of someone knowingly ripping my heart out of my chest. Her demeanor was enough to make my heart feel as though it was in my chest as a steady flow of tears streamed from my tired eyes.

In that moment I wished we were 5 & 6 again, the unbelievably close relationship we had was inseperable. We were attached to each other and though we fought, as all sisters do we always knew that no one could ever break or share the bond that we shared. She was my first friend and the only one who has been with me through everything, close to me.

I realize now more than ever in my entire life that I need her. I can't lose her. I felt like I was going to die that night in the hospital. I couldn't breathe and my body was fighting itself. It was all so surreal and all such a wake up call to reality at the same time for me.

When I broke, I really broke. I had so much pent up inside of me that when released, completely depleted me. I wanted to punch something, I wanted to curl up in a ball and just weep, I wanted to throw things, I wanted to yell at God and I did. I yelled at God.

I just keep remembering David in the Bible and his honesty toward God and how he never held anything back from Him. I felt like that. I felt the urge to tell and scream at God and be so honest with Him about my feelings. I had to do it.

She was terrified last night.

That place was awful, like something from a scary movie. I would never have been able to sleep in there and I doubt she did.

I held her as we both wept before we departed and I felt her reach out to me for the first time in a very long time. I felt that a mending has begun to take place and in that instance I realized how blessed I was to have her in my life and how important our relationship as sisters is.

I was restless all night as I pictured her in there and how alone and crazy she must have felt. I would have stayed with her if i could.

She doesn't belong in her unit- the people are insane, she is in her right mind.

Today her Doctor will do an evaluation to move her to the other side which is not on lockdown and she will have her own room.

I'm so worried about her. I know she must be feeling so awful.

Continue to pray for her, my family and I. My mom is taking all of this so hard as you can imagine a mother would. Pray that God gives me wisdom, love, and the words to say to Ashton. Pray that I would be sensitive to this situation and that God would take all of this and turn it into something beautiful.

Thank you all so much, your prayers have worked. Her organs are functioning properly and there is no damage- I'm telling you- considering the situation, that is a miracle! Only my God is able to do what was done. So, all of the prayers thet were lifted did not go unnoticed. God is so faithful to hear our cries and His grace and mercy is unfathomable.

Thank you.

Much love,

Friday, October 17, 2008

Waiting rooms suck.

Here I am at Sacred Heart hospital sitting in the coldest, most uninviting and cruel waiting room there could possibly ever be. I never have understood why waiting rooms seem to always be this way. Sitting in a hospital all day has the same effect as working out in the sun all day. It completely drains you. I feel as though the life has been sucked out of me and I know I am not myself right now.

Oddly enough, I found an internet connection. Thank God. I can only take so much cable tv in a day. I've been here since 9am this morning.

I am exhausted. I haven't slept at all. My mom is beyond exhaustion. Thankfully, my dad has just arrived. Such a relief.

She is doing okay. She is in a lot of pain and there is potential that her liver and kidneys could suffer permanent damage which is very serious. I'm praying that this is not the case.

Thank you all for your prayers and comments. You have no idea how appreciated they are and how much they mean to me.

There is a long journey of recovery ahead for her and our entire family. I know that God has spared her life for a reason. There is still a purpose and a divine plan.

I am doing okay, for those of you who have asked. Though I have gone through every emotion possible in one day- calm, collective, hysterics, denial, bitterness, angry, worried, overwhelmed to once again feeling nothing. Such a strange cycle, this is.

I am blessed with an amazing family and the amount of people who have been in and out is astounding! At one point last night there were probably 40 people here. She is so loved (moreso than she'll ever know) and our family is so blessed to have such great friends and people who care and are there for us.

Continue to pray if you will, that my heart would be guarded and that love would pour incessently toward her, that my family would come in harmonious unity and that Ashton's body, mind and spirit would soon begin this process of healing.

Rehab is next...

That will not be fun to say the least but hopefully it will be an eye opener to her.

Thank you all again. Your comments and prayers helped me so much today. I cried as I read everyone of them and I just wanted to give you all huge hugs!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Much Love,


My sister overdosed and is in critical condition. I feel awful.

Please pray for her and my entire family.

I'm so numb right now.

I know that God has a greater plan and I'm really trying to keep my focus on Him and my trust in him.

God is in control and I'm praying that this opens her eyes.

Last we heard is her liver had started failing and that her enzymes were really high. Her heartrate is steady as of now but they will have to keep a close watch for the next 72 hours.

Pray for my mom. My dad is out of town and coming home tomorrow.

I can't feel anything right now.

I guess sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to open your eyes. I sure hope this does.

She's going to be okay, she has to be okay.

They wouldn't let me see her.

I can't cry in public and my frustration, anger and hurt is so bottled up within.

I feel like I have to be strong, always have. Even though I am so frail and broken.

Please pray for me as I and my entire family are in dire need of it right now. Especially my sister, Ashton.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sweet Abbi

I almost forgot to mention this...

My first cousin has a little girl named Abbi and she is the most precious little girl you will ever meet. She is beautiful inside and out and has one of the sweetest little hearts a little girl can possess. I am so proud of my cousin for raising such a polite and sweet girl and I hope that one day i can be the type of mom that she is. She is 4 now (almost 5) and oh so adorable and hilarious! She has quite the sense of humor.

They live in Knoxville, TN so I do not get to see them as much as I would like. We are going there for Thanksgiving this year to meet up with them, my uncle and aunt, cousin Sonya and her fiance and my other younger cousins. We've rented a big cabin in the Smoky Mountains with a hot tub and all! I'm very excited!!

Anyways, yesterday Tamera (my cousin, Abbi's mom) sent me a text message that read...

"Abbi and I are sitting here and she said mommy, I really miss amber".

That message made my week. I could just hear her little voice and see her cute eyes as she said that. I love that little girl. Some say we look alike, I dunno I'll let you decide...

Isn't she a doll?

I can't wait to see her and smother her with lots of kisses!! :)


Is love inspired by affection or is it the unselfish, loyal, and benevolent concern for the good of another?

I agree that both are very obvious crucial components but which do we lean on entirely? Do we strive for a love just because we desire and feel we need affection, affirmation and adoration from another? Or do we love because we are unselfish, loyal, and devoted?

Love is the purest form of devotion, the giving of ones self for another and the willingness to lay down your life for another.

The word "love" in our culture today has lost the pure and beautiful meaning that it once held. We say "i love you" so casually in shallow relationships that don't last more than a month or even a week. Adolescents and young teens are referring love to sex and truly believing that something so childish and immature will last forever, only to get their hearts shattered and their innocence stolen, never to be obtained again.

Love is a choice. We must embrace true love, not "love" as we may know it but true love. To love is to give, it is to surrender every part of you.

I love what Amy Carmichael says: "One can give without loving, but one cannot love without giving."

It is impossible to truly "love"someone and not be willing to sacrifice. If you aren't, then I would question your love. Love is forever.

Such beauty the human heart can possess. For from out of the very depths come feelings so strong, deep and indescribable. The core of who we are craves a love and acceptance from someone, anyone. The tendency of falling and being broken time and time again is possible and most likely to occur. Some give so freely, others grasp tightly and don't ever take a chance. While we desire something so true and everlasting, we become disappointed and defeated in expectation when we discover the shattering truth that we are in fact, human. We are susceptible to the frailties of human nature. Therefore, we fail to be perfect and love perfectly. We are defined by our actions, our failures, flaws and inconsistencies. To love and to be loved is the greatest, most incredible feeling you will experience. When someone looks past your defects and imperfections, yet loves you despite them is true love. Some search their entire lives for "true love", yet never encounter it. Some find it. In searching for a depth, a steadfast, essential, real, raw, and honest love and devotion, we fail to meet such pure love here. No matter how hard we try, how much we love or how much we give we are still human and we are still imperfect.

Imagine if you could experience this. For just one moment, in your deepest darkest hour you could feel something that seems impossible, something that you ache for. Why do we long for this? Our creator designed us with these desires and feelings knowing that we would never be satisfied by anything on this earth He placed us on. He knew we needed His love, He knew we would find it if we searched for it. It seems so far fetched, I know. What is there to lose in accepting? Nothing. You gain. What is there to lose in believing? Nothing. You gain faith. What is there to lose in searching? Nothing. If you truly search with your whole heart, you will find. I break at the fact that some will never encounter because they are afraid or they don't believe. If you seek, you will find. "Greater love has no one than this, that he would lay down his life for his friends." This my friend is the absolute meaning of love. How great of love that our father sent His son to be chastised, broken, beat, battered, mocked, and killed when He was perfect. He bore our sins and shame. He was bruised for our faults. He took our place. If we can't lay hold of this profound love, then we are missing out on the greatest thing that was ever given to us. Once we accept and understand, we become enveloped, consumed, and completely overtaken that we can't help but demonstrate the act of love. When we find this love, we can truly love.

Love is never easy but it turns life into a song, it gives vitality, hope strength and purpose.

1 Corinthians 13- read it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Weekend Recap

This past weekend was a lovely one. I spent time with my dear friend, Meagan. We haven't had much time to catch up lately and it was long overdue. We were able to squeeze in some shopping, ultimately resulting in major spending on my part. =/ I am a sucker for sales, it doesn't even have to be something I particularly love for me to get excited, especially when a shirt is $5.99! I just love getting good deals, really. I got an adorable, long, somewhat oversized dark gray cardigan from Gap for a mere $8.99! I seriously considered purchasing every color they offered as I loved the style and fit. I kind of wish I had now that I think about it. I also bought skinny jeans for $6.99! I was so excited about this find because I am VERY picky about skinny jeans. They have to be a dark wash and fit a certain way for me to like them and the very ones that were on sale fit and looked perfect and to top it off, they were a size 3! My lucky day! I know that I have definitely not lost any weight recently, so I'm pretty certain that they may have been tagged wrong, hence the "sale". Who knows.

Shopping is very therapeutic for me which is NOT always a good thing especially when you're trying to save money. I digress.

Meg and I drove out to Daphne, Alabama for church on Sunday morning. I had not been in a very long time and it was really great to see people whom I have not seen in what seems like ages!

It's a very long and complicated story of how I am connected with this church. I am not going to go into depth about it because you will be confused out of your mind and it would take me forever. This pastor used to be the Pastor of Brownsville Assembly of God, the church I began attending in 1996 during a nationally known "Revival". God changed my whole family during those years and my dad ended up graduating in the Pioneer Class at BRSM (Brownsville Revival School of Ministry). He would commute back and forth during the week and weekends from our home in Sopchoppy, FL (Tallahassee Suburb) for two years. He graduated in 1998 and was asked to come on staff at the school as the head of Pastoral Care, eventually taught classes and acquired many other titles throughout the years. Well for times sake, after 2 church splits and us ending up leaving and coming back within the span of 3 years- my dad became the Pesident of the school. The Pastor has changed 3 times within the last 5 years and yeah it's all really crazy and totally complicated. So, the original Pastor, John Kilpatrick is now the Pastor of a church in Alabama and most of the people whom I grew up in church with at Brownsville go there while all the people at Brownsville now are newbies. Crazzzzy. It's a crazy life we've lived, I'm tellin ya!

So, every once in a great while I will make the 45 minute drive from P-cola, FL to Daphne, AL to get my crazy blast from the past, see familiar faces and hear a good sermon from Pastor K. who really is awesome.

After church we went to lunch with some old friends and met a new friend named Brittany who is so totally sweet! It was a lot of fun and the fellowship was great. We went shopping at the outlets in Malbis (as if I needed to do anymore shopping!) and what do you know- Charlotte Russe was having a massive sale! I bought 2 handbags and a shirt for $16.00! Yes, all their handbags were on sale for $4.99 and again, I was tempted to purchase every single one of them! Come to think of it, they would have made for great Christmas gifts! Dang.

After our shopping adventures and fabulous finds we headed on over to Bass Pro Shop aka "Bubbaville". If you have never been inside a Bass Pro shop, you must! It is phenominal. I had been to one in Charlotte, NC before but this one even surpassed that one! I felt like a little kid in that store and wanted to run around crazy, walk through every display and try on camo! It was great. They have an indoor waterfall and a huge aquarium filled with huge fish! It was fun and we walked around there until my feet could not handle it anymore! I wore pointy heels and between all the walking at the outlets and there, the life had been sucked out of my poor feet and they were screaming for relief.

Random sidenote- I am really into the oversized knit cardigans right now and I want one in every color! They are so cute with skinny jeans and boots, don't you think? Gray is not my most favorite color but lately I have really taken a liking to it. I just love the style and fit of this cardigan...I love long sweaters! Not to mention, they can be very slimming as well.

I could very well go on. My style and taste is so very versatile. I love being casual and comfortable and I also love dressing up and looking chic. Vintage is fun and yet classy/business dress is great as well! My closet has such a variety which I love! I get paid Thursday and due to some recent loans and applications I've done I am expecting a generous bonus! I do not need to do anymore shopping, yet I know I will..."sigh".

That was a very random blog. Then again, I am a very random girl, seriously.

I hope you're all having a spectacular week! Mine is off to a good start, so far! =)

Much Love,

Monday, October 13, 2008


A place once safe, where freedom was found and peace encountered. Where morals and values prevailed in our lives, homes, communities, jobs, marriages and families. Love was encouraged and the act of building one another up was practiced. Life was sacred and valued and was lived to the fullest degree of productivity in every aspect. The Bible was not just found in almost every home, but read and practiced. The basis and foundation of education was this Sacred Book and it's spiritual truths. Such acts of violence, perversion and evil intent that we hear of everyday were unheard of and certainly never talked about or even considered.

Little by little, we've dismissed God from our homes, schools, workplaces and even in some aspects of our churches. We've politely preceded to allow violent murder of tiny lives as they form and grow and call it a "choice". We blaspheme God by holding sacred ceremonies of unity between two of the same sex and call it "rights". We deem the slaughter of innocent lives by producing entertainment that does so, whether it be video games, movies, photography, etc and call it "entertainment".

We only live our lives for the moment whether it be a moment of fame, power, satisfaction, gratification or wealth. We are constantly seeking pleasure no matter what pain it might entail in the end. We are a selfish culture consumed with ourselves, our wants, our needs and our desires. God forbid we take a few minutes out of our day to go out of our way to help someone.

We wonder why our lives are such a mess. We wonder why our families and marriages are broken. We wonder why children turn against their fathers and mothers. We wonder why students steep to such a level of depression, self neglect and rejection and it ultimately leads to the killing of their classmates and eventually themselves.

We've become desensitized, nothing phases us anymore and even now our homes and places of worship are not the safe havens and places of refuge as they should be. We turn on the tv, witness a tragic breaking news story and are bewildered by it's truth and reality, but we quickly forget until it occurs again just moments or days later. Then it's too late. It doesn't phase us. Life is of no value anymore.

Grieved I've become. I'm disgusted by the condition of our country and our world. What will it take to get our attention? What will it take for us to stand up? When will we wake up? When will we enforce change? My heart is broken for I fear it could be too late. We've let too much slip between the cracks.

Small and what may have seemed insignificant things kept us silent and began tragic change in this Nation. Our forefathers would be appalled at today's society. True History conveys the beauty of the founding fathers of this nation and the holiness, righteousness, Godliness and purity each man and woman possessed. This country was founded and established upon the reverent awe of God and God was sought after for wisdom in writing the constitution. We've deterred, distorted and twisted our history and look at the mess it's caused.

But you know what?

We didn't stand up like we should have, we remained silent for those who couldn't speak, we backed down, we justified impure actions and I'm so ashamed. May God have mercy on us, for that is what we need. May a holy fear of God grip our hearts and change us. May we all experience burden and grief that we've escaped. Pray for this nation, for this world we live in. Don't be ignorant to what is going on today. Only you are blamed for what you do not know. Pray for this country. Find your voice. You can make a difference.

I believe that if we begin to put our families and the value of life and morals before our pocketbooks we may begin to see a shift in things. God is more concerned about life, family, values and morals than he is your money and the condition of Wall Street. We need to re-prioritize and remember what is of utmost importance. We put our careers and our wallets before the ones who are so dear to us. When we put God first, family second and money last- He always provides. We are blessed, we are beyond blessed, really. God has given us so much and required little of us. It's time we show a little appreciation and it's time for me to really get things straight. Money isn't everything. It sure does help but my value is not in my money, savings, or investments. I will not be remembered for how much I had, but for how much I gave and to the degree I lived.

Prayer is the most powerful weapon we possess, yet we hardly use it anymore.

Faith is the most important thing in my life. Without it, I am undefined, I am simply empty and lifeless. Faith gives purpose and faith redefines this dark life as we know it.

God, have mercy.

Friday, October 10, 2008

I've been tagged!

Eastofknoxville tagged me for a Meme (?)! Like her, I have no idea what a "Meme" is but I was tagged for it, haha. So, I'm doing what a tagged person does, filling this out and possibly tagging you ;)

1. Clothes Shop

Gosh, there are so many! I love Forever 21 because they have some of the cutest and fun things and it's not awfully pricey, Urban Outfitters, AE, and Charlotte Russe. I also like the Limited because for my job, the apparel is great and of course, cute! I could go on though, really. I love to shop.

2. Furniture Shop

Well I don't really shop too much for furniture seeing as I do not have a house or apartment and live at home. I do love vintage and antique furniture, my bedroom set is antique and beautiful! I love it. I also like more modern things as well. Rooms-To-Go is a fun place oh and I love Pier 1 too!! I used to work there and it was oh so fun!

3. Sweet

I do have a sweet tooth :) Cheesecake is a weakness and I love cherry cobbler and of course pretty much anything chocolate considering I'm female. haha

4. City

NYC- hands down! I've been there twice and I love it! I love the different cultures represented, the hustle and bustle, shopping, museums, food and everything! It is such a fun place to visit and I recommend that you do. I also love Washington DC. Of course my hometown of Pensacola, FL is very near and dear to my heart. I've lived here for 10 years and it is home. I love all the quirks and sights, the beach, graffiti bridge and all the other landmarks. Pensacola is a little bit of heaven and a great spot to vacation as well! I'm definitely a southern gal!

5. Drink

I drink a lot of water because it's healthy and I like it. Mama's sweet tea is the best!

6. Music

Are you serious?! I could never list it all here. My taste is music is very versatile. I love everything from worship, pop, indie, oldies, to even some country! I love music and being a musician I can learn to appreciate all types EXCEPT hardcore. I despise hardcore/scream-o music- it gives me a headache and to me there is no point to it but whatever, some kids like it. Why? I'll never know. Some of my fav bands are...coldplay, keane, sleeping at last, sigur ros, death cab for cutie, onerepublic, the gills, phil wickham, kim walker, jesusculture, jason upton, hillsong united, kari jobe, bethany dillon, nichole nordeman,, corinne bailey rae, carrie underwood, keith urban, rascal flatts, faith hill, the beatles, frank sinatra, bob marley, jack johnson, colbie calliat, jason mraz, copeland, the ember days and the list goes on forever!!! I like to find and listen to talented artists who are not known very well known and are not mainstream. Gosh this topic could very well take up this whole blog! I'll refrain for your sake though :)

7. TV Series

Law and Order, and I'm not really "sucked" into a series. I get really into American Idol when it's in season but not much else. I basically watch FoxNews religiously. I have yet to see "The Office". Isn't that pathetic?! I have got to get my hands on the first series. Oh, I also do like the OC for some strange reason.

8. Film

Loved the Notebook, makes me cry everytime. Classics are the best, for sure! :) Anything with Audrey Hepburn is great! I also love Musicals even though they can be corny.

9. Workout

Spin class!! It's a great workout and it kicks my tail, but it is so worth it and I always feel great afterwards! Speaking of, I have got to get back on schedule with that. I haven't been in weeks, for shame! I'm feeling it too =/ I love to work out once I'm at the gym, it's just a matter of getting me to the gym, haha.

10. Pastries

Hmm, I really don't know at all. I don't really eat a lot of pastries nor can I think of a specific one at the moment. Bagelheads has an amazing fruit wave cobbler bagel that is to die for!! Sooo good!!

11. Coffee

I'm a coffee addict. I love foreign coffee. I love strong coffee and of course coffee-mate must accompany in flavors hazelnut, coconut and french vanilla. During the holiday season, peppermint mocha is the best! I like starbucks but think it's overrated. $4.00 for a cup of coffee is just a bit crazy to me, although I admittedly indulge every once in a while :)

There ya have it! I fulfilled my mission in the "Meme tag!" I still don't know what "Meme" is but that is irrelevent at this point! Mission accomplished! :)

Now it's my turn to tag. Hmmm, I'll tag...
A peek into my life...
In her Shoes
Ophelia's Revival
This Girl's Life

Thursday, October 2, 2008


The new Puffs with Vicks are MAGICAL!

I swung by FoodWorld on my way home from work in search of something to help my tired, swollen and oh so dry little nose and there sitting on the shelf, this little box just screamed my name. "$3.19 for tissues!" I thought. "That is just crazy!" I was thinking about something more along the lines of $1.50-$2.00 but, hey I'll try whatever it takes at this point.

I picked these babies up and it was love at first blow.

I just can't stress to you how amazing it felt to bury my nose into this tissue. It opened up my nasal passage and I feel as though I'm addicted to a tissue! Amazing.

Thank you puffs. You have done an amazing thing in my life and I will never go back.

I most definitely recommend, should you encounter problems such as I in the sinus arena. They are well worth the money and work wonders!

Ahhh, I can breathe! It feels so great!

*VP debate is in 2 hours! Mom and I went all out and made brownies and have the coffee ready to brew! This should be an interesting night!

I'm going for now. I just had the urge to share with you my pure joy in this treasure of a purchase. =)

Much Love,

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

In the works.

My heart has endeavored on an endless journey of seeking fulfillment in crooks and spaces in which I find myself increasingly lost and alone. Indefinitely, I've ceased to dream and I've allowed myself to become so complacent and comfortable with the way things are, though I am so unhappy and dissatisfied. My crooked little fingers have tightly clutched every bit of stability and comfort I encounter because it makes me feel safe and free from vulnerability and harm.

In moments passing, I have become numb, devoid of emotion and indifferent to that which used to make my heart beat fast, live and dream. I have permitted doubtful, uneasy and fearful thoughts and emotions to invade my mind and negatively influence my demeanor stealing from me, my vitality, vision and passion.

I've become a victim of complacency and as much as I hate to admit that, if I avoid it I am simply lying to myself. Things that used to grieve and offend me, I now take part in because I am desensitized. Not particularly evil or gruesome activities but certain things that I would have never considered in the past have slowly crept up on me whispering "it's okay, Amber. It's okay to think those thoughts, it's okay to feel that way, it's okay to say those words, it's okay to watch those movies, it's okay". All along, my conscious reassures me that it is in fact, not okay nor permissable.

I create excuses for myself and justfy my reasoning only to find myself deeply grieved and saddened by my actions because they are not who I am. They are not me and yet, they have defined and changed who I am lately.

I am a dreamer and though very human and imperfect, I am striving to live a life pleasing unto the Lord and in submission to Him as well as my authorities. I desire my heart to reflect His and I desire my actions to reflect my heart- His heart.

I'm learning many lessons day by day, week by week and year by year. I'm learning what it means to surrender, to lay everything down and to give every burden to Him. I am learning what it means to be truly broken and how in my brokenness, my true light shines. The things which I can mask and hide from everyone else can not be hidden from Him nor myself, and in those moments of pure brokenness, where I admittedly confess my imperfections and failures is when I yield to His hand and and relinquish my own strength that is oh so weak. I am learning how in need I am and how I do not have all the answers, nor will I ever.

In essence, I am learning who I truly am and who I do not wish to be.

I'm cleaning house. I've become so disappointed in myself and in my efforts lately that it has done nothing but lacerate me and attempt to deplete me. I do not want to be who I was in the past and I do not want to be who I am now. I want to be Amber. My life has been a culmination of many different things that have undoubtedly shaped me, either for the good or the bad. I've attempted to be something that I clearly wasn't, I've been what others wanted me to be, but I still don't think I have it down yet. This has been a very interesting, eventful and a sometimes disheartening road to travel to say the least, but I believe with each day and with each new decision, I am becoming me all over again.

I wrote a Me blog recently, dissecting my personality and evaluating myself and I discovered and was able to lay hold of my heart again. I believe for the first time in a very long time I have finally begun to somewhat grasp who I am. There are so many things that I left out, and so many things that have yet to be fashioned and perfected or shattered and ruined about me that will be in time. With every situation, change, circumstance and situation I will discover so much more.

I surrender. I am allowing my grasp to be loosened as I release my wants and my desires and exchange them for His. I am going to live again, dream again, have faith again and trust again. I'm a materpiece in the works. Lately I've taken the brush and tried to paint something and in doing so, I completely interrupted the process. Thankfully, the true artist realizes that despite my efforts to make something beautiful and totally making a mess in my attempt, I am only proving that I am in need of His grace. He tenderly retrieves the utensils from my hands and places mine in His as he delicately and gracefully revives and renews with each brushstroke and splash of vivid color.

I'm coming alive again.