what a week. what a lesson.

Glorious. Crazy. Chaotic. Stressful. Fun. Hot. Expensive. Crazy. Amazing. Sad. Disheartening. Lonely. Peaceful. Relaxing.

These words pretty much sum up my week/weekend.

From having my family here, accommodating everyone, taking people where they needed to be taken, Hannah's graduation, being with loved ones, my car breaking down and costing me an INSANE amount of money to fix it, going to the beach and my little cousins getting caught in a rip tide at the beach thus forcing a lifeguard rescue to saying goodbye to my dear family, making a very difficult and heartbreaking decision yesterday that most do not or will not understand and feeling so saddened and lonely. Yes, you could say it has been a crazy week/weekend.

What a whirlwind of emotions I have gone through in a matter of only a few days. So goes life.

I have SO many pictures that I will share at a later time but right now, I just don't have the time.

My heart feels a little lighter today. It was most heavy yesterday. I had to make a very tough choice on Sunday. One that broke my heart, yet was most likely the prevention of shattering it. I'm simply too fragile. People don't understand. My heart would not have been able to handle it. And as much as I would've loved to have been there, I knew it would only pain me more and cut me deeper. So, after many tears were shed and discussions were had with the most important people in my life. People who know me and love me influenced me to make the decision that I did. I'm much too sensitive. Selfish? I would like to think not, but possibly? I was definitely thinking of how much my heart would hurt and what others might think, say and/or do and yes, this influenced my decision. You may call it selfish. I like to think it was being cautious. Nonetheless, I did what I had to do. What my gut was telling me to do.

I'm at peace with the decision I made. Really and truly.

I was going through one of my beloved old journals last night and came across a beautiful sermon/lesson I had heard years ago. I was about 16. It was one that I NEVER forgot as it spoke volumes to me. It was entitled "Turning Lonliness into Aloneness" and Jeanne Mayo was the one who had written it.

One paragraph that stood out to me was...

"Loneliness is that aching, depressing emotion of isolation, but aloneness is a positive experience. Loneliness is depressing, demotivational, self-centered, spiritually debilitating, and takes no emotional energy to create. Aloneness is peaceful, motivational, other-centered, spiritually positive, and takes a choice of my will to create. The two most important words in step three are, "I choose." Far too many of us are content with shallow levels of intimacy with the Lord because we allow loneliness to cripple us rather than choosing to press through the depression and neutrality. It takes work to meditate on the Scriptures when you have no emotional energy. It takes work to control negative self-talk when feeling sorry for yourself is so easy. Those choices genuinely convert loneliness into aloneness allowing it to become a platform for deepened, authentic intimacy with the Lord."

She also quotes the Velveteen Rabbit (which is one of my favorite children's books ever).

"Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and are very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all because once you are real, you can’t ever be ugly, except to people who don’t really understand."

Love it. Love everything about it. In a world of facades, I so desire to be real. And I know that this comes through true aloneness and intimacy with my Savior.

A lesson I'll likely never stop learning.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

♥