nightmare.

I had a nightmare last night.

I dreamt that I was getting married and for whatever reason, I was alloted two weeks to plan the entire event. Not only that, but I wasn't allowed to help. I was forced to trust others to plan MY wedding.

Needless to say, it was an absolute disaster.

The colors were mauve and white. Mauve? Seriously? Who even likes mauve?

The bouquets were made up of dusty old plastic flowers. And worse, my bridesmaids were told to wear their "best easter dresses". So, just imagine pastel peter cottontails with bouquets of plastic, dirty mauve and white flowers as my bridesmaids. It just doesn't get much worse than that, my friends. It was really awful.

My dress was pure lace and hideous and for some God forsaken reason, I was forced to wear a white top hat with an off white dress. DISGUSTING.

Right before I was to talk down the aisle, I quickly changed my mind as I just could not sucuumb to the idea that I was having the world's ugliest wedding.

So, I quickly ran in the opposite direction, ditched the top hat and left poor Ben standing at the altar.

Later on, after the shock of it all had subsided I attempted to reach him by phone and he would not talk to me and proclaimed to my mother that we were in fact, "over" , for good.

I just wanted so badly to tell him that I wanted a better wedding and that I didn't want to feel like the cat in the hat with easter bunny bridesmaids on my wedding day.

I was devastated and hyperventilating in the dream. Panic set in and I was beside myself. So upset.

I literally woke up crying and was 20 minutes late to work this morning because of this ridiculous dream.

So intense.

wheat.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

-John 12:24-

Thus beautifully and forcibly does Jesus teach the necessity for death, and the results which shall follow. Great was this teacher and wonderful the simplicity of His doctrine.

Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few".
-Matthew 9:37-

I'm more than realizing that through seasons of death, the divine beauty of life is brought forth.

I desire to be a vessel, even in my brokenness.

(moreso in my brokenness)

abandonment.

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
do with me what you will.

Whatever you may do, I thank you:

I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures.

I wish no more than this, O Lord.

Into your hands I commend my soul;

I offer it to you

with all the love of my heart,

for I love you, Lord,

and so I need to give myself,

to surrender myself into your hands,

without reserve,

and with boundless confidence,

for you are my Father.

-Charles de Foucald-

Introspective today.

Good for the soul.

priceless.

My sister, Ashton sent me this picture in a text message today and I LOST it.

Ashton and I- Christmas 1991.

We wanted that Jeep more than anything. I'll never forget waking up to that thing in our living room on Christmas Morning. We were so estatic!

She's in the light pink jacket, totally pimpin' it with her one arm on the steering wheel and other propped up behind her. Not to mention, she's literally being swallowed by her enormous hood.

SO freaking cute.

We were two peas in a pod, I tell you.

Those were good days.

Oh to be little again.

picture post.

Today I'm really missing...

Mom and Dad,

My sisters...

and my best friend.

But I'm thankful for a wonderful boyfriend,

My beautiful cuban friend

The way my decor turned out in my apartment since I changed it since the last time I posted a picture. Ben got me a sweet rocking chair (pictured on the right) and I added some frames to my collection :) (sorry the quality is so crappy- I took this with my blackberry)


Homesick hit me like a ton of bricks last night.

I do miss my family but I am so blessed all at the same time. I have a great job, good friends (though some of them live far away) a wonderful boyfriend and a great place to live.

Actually blessed is an understatement.

Happy Monday! :)

fabuloso.

Just wanted to share a photo of my beautiful baby sister, Hannah. She had her senior pictures done by one of our good friends, Jonathan Volk and he did an AMAZING job. Of course, she's gorgeous so naturally, the pictures would be grand. I can't believe she'll be graduating high school next month. That hardly seems appropriate.

(my favorite)

Google "Jonathan Volk Photography" and become a fan on facebook. He has mad talent and if you live in the Charlotte, NC area- Hit him up for your photo needs :)

fear.

My mind is on overload these days.

I feel strange. Mainly due in part to some out of the blue dreams and statements said to and/or about me that others have dreamt and/or said. Definitely has me on edge.

Kinda scared to move.

Fear suffocates. Kills joy. Steals peace. Consumes minds.

I will not be it's victim.

Truth be told- I live alone.

In all actuality, I do not mind this. I quite like having my place to myself. It's nice. However, I do get scared at night. (Childlike I know) I simply can't help it. I love living alone but I do not like being alone at night time. I actually hate it.

So, over the course of just two weeks- numerous people and random people have had dreams about me that have caused them to urge me to "take caution".

Ummm, ok?

I usually do not give much thought to all of this during the course of my day but at night "what if"s" begin to circulate in my mind and I end up totally freaking myself out.

I also have never been so scared to get into my car to drive somewhere.

I had a dream about myself, too. It was extremely unpleasant.

Walking into work the next morning to your boss saying "Amber, you have no idea how glad I am to see you this morning! I almost called you at 3am to check on you because I had a terrible dream and I wanted to make sure you were okay." doesn't necessarily help either.

I'm not really sure what all of these dreams and cautions mean but I'm being extra careful. Maybe even to a fault.

Praying for peace and a sound mind.

I don't deal well with fear. At all.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isiaiah 41:10

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

recap.

Celebrated sweet Alex's birthday on Thursday night.

The birthday beauty queen and I.

Alexandra and Filipe = World's most gorgeous couple. Quite sickening. Love them both.

Danielle and Alex- Models much?

My love and I. :)

Beach day with Ben and Danielle on Saturday

Date night with Ben on Saturday night. I'm not the best at angling the camera for self portraits. This will have to do.

It was a lovely weekend, indeed.

:)

Now to get through this work week...

The hug poem.

I love poetry.

Yes, I write poetry but I rarely share it with the blogosphere for a number of reasons. It's very personal to me. I take pride in it and there have been a few instances where someone has stolen what I wrote and stamped their name on it.

Not cool.

In any case, I love to read poetry and there is a poem that I wanted to share with all of you. It's very different. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Bradley Hathaway or not but he's an artist and poet who actually performed his music and shared his poetry in our home last year.

His songs, lyrics and poems are among the most raw and real. He literally makes you uncomfortable with the things that he says. Some of it is very shocking, some prick your heart and some just make you want to cry. He's different, yes but genuine and I have so much respect for people who do what they do with full confidence and with their entire hearts.

Anyways, among his many songs and poems one of my favorites is entitled "The Hug Poem".

The Hug Poem

I read about how you touched them and they were healed

Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed

You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tearsA

And you washed your best friend’s feet

I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people?

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you?

But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell

I think I’m caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here

I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything

Because all I really need is a hug

That is ok for me to imagine right?

That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it?

Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs

Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back

Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing

Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN

Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard

But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because

I WANT TO CRY

But I just can’t seem to do it on my own I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek

Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose

Randoms.

-I'm currently running on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night. The strangest thing is, I'm really not feeling it. I feel as though I got a full 8 hours and when night falls, I'm not even tired. So strange.

-I watched the movie, Orphan last night. Oh.my.gosh. Freaky. I hate scary movies anyway and this one was just absolutely ridiculous. The only good thing about the movie was the sweet little deaf girl who happens to be one of the cutest kids ever. There is a crazy unexpected twist at the end but the awful images haunted me all through the night. I'm a baby, though.

-Tomorrow, I have a lunch date with my boss. He's taking each of us to lunch this week to do a quarterly review. A lot has changed within the office in the last 4 months and he just wants to go over everything with us. This morning he kindly notified me that I need not worry about a thing and the reason that he saved me for last is because I'm the easiest. So sweet. I love my job.

-As of yesterday Ben and I have been officially "back together" for 4 months! So much has happened in 4 short months. It's crazy. These have been 4 of the best months ever! I love him.

-Last weekend was great as I was able to spend some time with two of my dearest friends, Alex and Beth.

-Crossing my fingers and hoping and praying that my dear friend, Ashley will become my new roomie in May! Looks as though it might be happening and I am so excited about it!

(Ashley and I- December 2009)

-I seriously have the most beautiful friends in the world. Sheesh.

-I am thankful today.

I struggle.

I struggle with wanting so badly to do and be what everyone wishes, that I completely deplete myself in my effort to attain a very unattainable goal.

I struggle with burying hurt and pain so deeply within me that it only eats away at me internally and robs me of sufficient sleep and makes me physically ill.

I struggle with feeling inadequate and feeling as though I don't really measure up to what other's expectations are of me.

I struggle with self worth.

I struggle with my outward appearance, weight, body type and proportion and comparing myself constantly to others.

I struggle with pushing people away for fear that they might hurt me and I, in turn end up hurting them and myself more.

I struggle with criticism. I struggle with over analyzation. I struggle with feeling as though I am weak and unable.

I struggle with things from my past. People who have hurt me, used me or abused me haunt me and if and when I am forced to confront them, I feel fear and anxiety.

I struggle with over achieving as to not fail because, failure, in my eyes is completely unacceptable.

I struggle.

God says...

"You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men."

1 Corinthians 7:23

I have become a slave to other's expectations, thoughts, critical opinions and self inflicted "worse case scenario" type of thinking.

I can't live like this any longer. I simply cannot. It's going to kill me, my relationships, friendships and it's going to completely steal every bit of joy, life and vitality that essentially, Amber is made up of.

I am not myself lately. At all.

I am so thankful for a love who has stood by me as I've allowed myself to become consumed by these feelings and emotions. I'm so ashamed that I've allowed myself to get to this point as it has affected every area of my life.

Ben prayed the sweetest prayer over me last night. Hot tears streamed down my face as he prayed and my heart began to feel just a little lighter.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Matthew 11:28-30

I must exchange this heavy load for the rest he promises to give me when I am weary. I struggle with feeling as though I must bear this burden alone but that is not what my father wants for me. He desires to give me rest and peace and I need that more than anything right now.

I'm laying it down...

Prayer Request.

Please pray for the family that my sister babysits for. Their 3 year old little boy fell into their pool and drowned. The parents were home but were seconds too late.

Tragic.

My sister is taking it exceptionally hard, which is to be expected.

Please pray for this family. The little boy's name was Drew and he has an older sister as well.

I can't even wrap my mind around what they are going through right now. My heart just breaks for them.

Thank you for your prayers. They need all that they can get right now.

hmmm.

I'm sick as a dog. As a dog, I tell you. The black out, almost fainted, feel like throwing up kind of sick.

Welcome to town, Aunt Flo. You suck.

Meanwhile, I just wanted to brag a bit more about my dear because I am just absolutely smitten by him every single day. I believe that I failed to mention that he surprised me last week by painting my dressers and nightstands black and buying the most amazing collection of vintage knobs for them. When I arrived to my apartment after work, he had everything all set up. So freaking sweet. Pictures coming soon...

I'm not near as good as he is with surprises and all of that stuff. I mean, I planned a picnic for us together the other week, I got him an Easter basket and I like to write him notes and sweet texts but good grief, he out does me every day.

I believe I have a trick or two up my sleeve. Let's hope so at least. ;)

growth.

My hair, I mean.

I actually took the time to straighten it the other day and it's longer than I thought it was.

Exciting :)

Proud.

Not sure if I've mentioned it on here before but my love plays drums, professionally.

Seriously, he's incredibly talented and has had a lot of experience playing with artists such as Rebecca St. James, Ashlee Hewitt (who was second runner up on the tv show, Nashville Star) etc. He's played numerous shows, conventions and he even had the opportunity to play at the super bowl last year! He played at the Amway Arena this past February after the Orlando Magic game. He's good. Really good. I'm proud. Really proud.

He's currently playing with a band called Chris and Conrad. In 2009 they were named the #2 "Artist You Oughta Know" by CCM magazine and their single, "Lead me to the Cross" was #1 on Billboard magazine's top Christian Songs chart. Huge. And my boyfriend is their drummer. Impressive, huh? ;)

As proud as I am, I am not so excited about the fact that he will be leaving me next month for an extended amount of time for an east coast tour. :( I know it will be amazing for him and I'm so excited about all that he will get to experience and do! I just wish I could tag along.

Photo found here.

Check out Chris and Conrad's, "I'm at Home" music video here. Ben is playing in it.

I love my guy/rockstar/sweetheart/best friend in the world who takes tremendous care of me and showers me with the sweetest love every.single.day.

I am blessed beyond belief.

Just wanted to brag a little bit. Hope you didn't mind. ;)

Now, go buy their cd and check their website for tour dates and if they're near you, go and see them. Thanks. :)

abbreviated recap.

Thank you all for the comments you left about my wall art. I had so much fun doing it and appreciate your comments :)

This weekend was glorious...

Beth came into town!

It was a beautiful time spent with some of my most favorite people in the world, beach time and lots of laughing. Perfect. (Minus the sunburn I'm currently suffering from.)

[pure bliss]

I love my friends and I adore my boyfriend.

I feel like I had a little "pick me up" yesterday from quite an emotional week. Trying my best to focus on all of the blessings in my life.

I am so blessed.

Project frame wall.

Remember this? Well, I finally did my very own and I am more than pleased with the outcome! Ben helped me and I think we did a pretty good job. He also reupholstered an awesome chair for me. I'll post pictures of it later. We make a great team :)

Decorating is too much fun.

Note: With the exception of the lamp, table and big black center frame, everything was purchased from a second hand store. Yes. Truth.
I ♥ thrift stores.

Oh Life.

Wishing that I could go a day- just one day- without crying over a situation that has had me bogged down for quite some time now.

"When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul."

Psalm 94:19

Here it is...in all it's glory

The beautiful, wonderful, amazing record player that my love bought and refinished for me. I just adore it. He also bought and refinished the table. How cool does my dining room look? LOVE it. I'm so blessed. SO blessed.

Easter Weekend recap.

A beautiful Easter weekend, it was.

I spent all day Saturday baking lots of goodies for my friend, Jesse's benefit show. As of Friday, he has been cancer free for 7 years and he and his band (The Gills) are starting a foundation for Leukemia. I love the idea and wholeheartedly support them, so it was the least I could do. It was a good time and they raised a generous amount for their cause.

Matt, Alex and I getting everything ready for the bake sale!

Sweet Alex and I. I'm fully conviced that she is the most gorgeous girl in the world. Not even joking. She's also got an incredible heart. Just love her.


Danielle, Alex and I.

Saturday was a bit lazy to begin with and then Alex came over and we hung out for a bit and then had a birthday party for our friend later that evening.

Ben was being mega sketchy and kept putting off coming out to meet up with us. Honestly, I was getting super irritated being that I had hardly seen him all week due to all of the rehearsals and such he had to attend as he played in the church band on Easter Sunday. I think I may have projected that annoyance in my voice on the phone with him and soon after I received a text that read, "babe, just trust me".

Later on that night he came out and met us all for our friend's birthday and then afterward, he drove me home, making a pit stop at his house first and foremost. He demanded that I close my eyes tightly and follow his lead...which I did. He led me through the garage and around one of their vehicles and then told me to open my eyes. Before me was a GORGEOUS piece of furniture/record player (that still works!) that he had bought and refinished for me. He worked on it all day long in the heat of the sun to make it perfect and perfect, it is. I'm in love! Such a sweet and thoughtful easter present. I just love that guy. He is too good to be true.

I admittedly felt ashamed for acting out of my annoyance earlier in the day and apologized profusely. Sheesh, what a way to make me feel bad.

This picture isn't very good quality and due to the position of it, I had a difficult time getting a good one. I'll post a better one once it's in the apartment. I just absolutely adore it!

Sunday was obviously Easter Sunday. I braved and went to the 8:00 service (barely got out of bed in time) and then went downtown to hear Phil Wickham at the Saenger Theater. It was great. Afterwards, I went home and crashed as I waited for Ben to finish playing drums at all 4 services that the church had. Insane. OH and on Friday night at their Good Friday service, there was a technical difficulty and due to a sound spike, he suffered an acoustic rupture of his eardrum that caused bleeding and severe pain. He's supposed to be going to see a specialist today. Poor thing had to play drums at 4 services in pain. I felt/feel so bad for him! :'(

I made him an Easter basket filled with some of his favorite things. He loved it :) He took me out to dinner and then we went back to my house and watched a movie. It was glorious.

Such a good weekend!

I hope you all had a marvelous weekend and a Beautiful Easter as well!

Reflect.

With Good Friday and Easter quickly approaching, I've taken a few moments to reflect upon these most sacred days that we observe.

Here I sit, sipping my coffee on this most glorious spring morning and I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. I'm admiring the outrageously blue skies and the sun is boldly shining through the windows reminding me that life and vitality is of this season- this season that is always so welcome after the cold and bitter winter. I don't think it to be a concidence that we observe Passover, Good Friday and Easter during the spring season. A season of refreshing, renewal and life.

I reflect with an inward and outward dimension. When we reflect, it is good for the soul and spirit.

So, I reflect on the death of our Savior. A pure and spotless man who lived his life blamelessly came to give His life so brutally, that we may experience the sweet power of forgiveness, grace and mercy. There is no love greater than this.

I reflect on my sweet Savior's resurrection. His resurrection means eternal life for me. Amazing love, indeed.

I reflect on restoration and renewal. Renewing my commitment to my Lord. Renewing relationships and friendships and allowing God to restore my broken heart. Making the decision to pick up the pieces and make things whole again with His divine assistance in my life. Heaven knows I can't do it myself.

I reflect upon the vast amount of blessings in my life. Blessings that I take for granted on a day to day basis. I am afforded luxuries day in and day out that some may never have. I am truly thankful and sadly, I do not show my appreciation often enough.

I reflect on the lost and the hurting. The ones who have no direction in life. The ones who are undergoing immense pain and agony as they search for something of value, something to believe in and something to live their lives for. My heart aches as I refect upon these that our Father's heart longs for. May my life be lived in such a way that I would be a light in the darkness, peace in the chaos and a voice of truth in this dismal world. I desire that my hands and my heart would always show love, pure love.

I encourage you to take a moment at some point this weekend and look inwardly as we observe these next few days.

Let not the painted boiled eggs, pastel colors, peep sugar highs, bunnies and honey glazed hams distract us from the true meaning and purpose of this beautiful Holiday. I thoroughly enjoy all of those things, believe me. However, the fact remains that these days represent when my Lord and Savior was ruthlessly crucified and died and rose again so that we may experience love, mercy, forgiveness, grace and abundant life. May my eyes and heart be fixed upon what is of utmost importance this beautiful season.

And as I reflect, I feel refreshed. The resurgent energies of the vastly approaching spring, the boundless, sweet and precious love given to me because Jesus gave his life. What peace, happiness, and unimaginable blessings He has given to us. We are so blessed.

"Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, He has risen." -Luke 24:5