wants vs. needs

There are so many things that I want right now and my patience is wearing thin. Just because I want them doesn't necessarily mean that I need them.

I'm going to concoct a list of "wants" and "needs" for you (okay, mainly for myself) to decipher and perhaps counsel me? If not, this could very well be therapeutic for me. I like to make lists.

Wants
-A macbook
-Canon EOS 40D
-Tripod
-An iphone although I am somewhat biased to my blackberry
-New Furniture
-Home decor (for my imaginary apartment/house that WILL someday become a reality)

Needs
-To find a decent, safe and reasonably priced place to live ASAP
-Used furniture (bedroom, living etc.)
-A visit to Charlotte to see my family
-A workout/gym routine
-A flat stomach in time for summer
-New glasses that I won't be so insecure about wearing. Maybe some designer lenses? ;)
-A tan (yes, I consider this a necessity)
-every.single.thing from anthropologie.com yes. need.
-An oil change for my car

Is that too much to ask?

I sound like such a brat.

Happy Friday! :)

*Going to look at an apartment later on today. Wish me luck!

My petty situations and the bigger picture.

Currently suffering from yet another corneal abrasion aka scratch on my cornea that has got to be one of the worst forms of pain and discomfort I've yet to experience. These abrasions occur all too often, though. I've had 3 since Christmas. Horrible.

I had to take Monday and Tuesday off work. My right eye was enflamed, pulsating, extremely sensitive to light and so sore. Not fun.

I stayed at Ben's with he and his Mom and they took tremendous care of me. So so sweet. I'm so blessed.

Still unable to wear my contact in my right eye and because I'm much too insecure to wear my glasses, I've been walking around only able to see half of the world clearly. Tomorrow I go back to the Doctor for a check up and hopefully by then, I can wear my contact again. Hopefully.

I'm still anticipating getting my own place. I've looked around only to be somewhat disappointed in what I've found. It's going to take some time and will be worth it once we find the perfect place. I'm eager to settle somewhere, finally unpack boxes that have been packed since mid October and have a place to call my own.

I did want to mention some tragic news that I got word of just yesterday. Remember this? Yes, the infamous Mexico trip that inevitably changed my heart and life. You can go back and read all of my documentation from the trip if you'd like. I think there are 3 posts and they are all a bit lengthy as I did not want to leave one detail out due to the amount of work that God had done inside of me. I wanted to be able to go back, re-read and remember. I'm so glad that I recorded all of it. Anyway, I received an email yesterday from the missionary there (Chacko) who has worked and built this unique ministry for years informing us that someone had set fire to their church/compound. They believe it was intentional due to criticism and persecution that they have recently suffered. So sad. In his e-mail, though he was his usual positive self giving God the glory in all things. So inspiring. If only we could all walk in this faith. Here I am finding myself all frustrated about petty little things when really, I have absolutely nothing to be concerned about in comparison to what so many others are experiencing. This example alone strengthened my faith and really put things into perspective.

The last couple of days I have been somewhat introspective as I've watched vast coverage from the quake that devastated Haiti. Millions affected by this horrific nightmare- losing loved ones, homes, any sense of safety and even, sanity. My heart has been heavy and burdened. While I know I am not in a place where I can physically go and lend a hand, hold a child, rebuild walls or feed the hungry like I would so love to do, I can very well do my part here by caring, praying and even sending what little that I can toward the relief efforts. It really is heartbreaking in so many aspects. I can only imagine what those poor people are experiencing at this time. My mind can't fathom the intensity of what they're going through. May God bless them and be with them as well as every team that has gone in to bring relief and help.

My prayer today is for those who are suffering, lonely, hurting, lost, afraid and aimless. My desire is to be used in whatever way that I can be to bring life and show light. My heart is to remain simple-hearted and grateful in all things. I am so blessed. We are so blessed. I never want to take all of the luxuries that I am afforded every single day for granted. Sadly, I do.

Sisters.

I'm really missing them today. I wish I could stay up with them all night, watch movies, go shopping, thrifting and even fight with them. :( I'm not sure when the next time I see my family will be. That sucks. Hopefully sooner than later.

The day we said goodbye to our beloved home of 11 years and each other. Rough. We look absolutely pitiful. We were pitiful.

I love them so much.

Ben is great :) Beth is gone :'(

Since I've happened to somehow find a minute where the phone is not incessently ringing and I'm actually somewhat caught up on today's work, I figured I'd take a moment to update this thing.

Life is good. Amazing, actually. I'm so blessed and every day I am amazed at how much God has given me. I don't deserve it. Any of it. I am so grateful, though and I am doing my absolute best not to take any of these precious minutes, hours, days and weeks for granted. I'm learning so much.

I'm learning how to let someone take care of me. I've always had a problem in this area of my life. I prefer to be independant. I like to prove that I am fully capable of doing things on my own- financially, emotionally and practically. Believe it or not, I have quite a bit of stubbornness ingrained in me and I tend to allow it to dictate my actons. Not always a good thing.

Having Ben back in my life has been such a blessing in so many aspects. I know I've said this an inumerable amount of times but he really does treat me perfectly. I have never in my life had anyone treat me with so much respect, kindness, patience, tenderness etc. It really is mind blowing to me. However, I have a problem with allowing him to "take care" of me. I know he does it because he desires to. So sweet. I don't want to be that "needy" girlfriend though. Haha. I am perfectly capable of paying for my own gas but he often insists that he pay for it. Little things like that. So sweet. I'm learning to ignore that "stubborn, independant, I can't do it myself" attitude because I know that it brings him joy and it really does make me so happy as well.

Things between us are great. We're growing closer and learning more about each other even after all these years. There is still so much to discover and learn. I love it. We've talked a lot about things we wish to change in ourselves and I can see us making strides toward improvement. It's so encouraging to see how far we've both come. I only hope that we become even more in tune with what God wants for both of our lives, individually and together.

My dearest friend, Beth moved to Atlanta last week. My heart has been heavy at the fact that we will not be apart of each other's everyday lives anymore. She has been a huge part of my life for the past year and I thank God for allowing me to know her. She has got to be one of the most beautiful, genuine and kind hearted souls I know. I know in my heart that we will always be friends. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that.

In all of his thoughtfulness, Ben surprised me with a picture frame filled with pictures of Beth and I. He was with me as I cried the night she left and he thought to do this soon after. He's SO sweet!

The frame- LOVE it!

Beth and I last summer.

One of our infamous picture days.

Halloween 2009- She was the old man from UP and I was a black-eyed pea.

The day my family moved. Needless to say, we were emotional wrecks.

Beth, Alex and I. Their gorgeousness sickens me ;)

I am so blessed with so many amazingly wonderful people in my life. I am thankful that God has allowed me to know some of the most wonderful and beautiful people on this planet.

Hope you're all having a splendid week!

The Happy Couple =)

Here are some more recent pictures of us. Happy as can be. I've never been treated better.

Better late than never.

I know, I'm lagging. Wanted to post some pictures from Christmas! I still need to update about New Years as well. I will soon. :)

Life has been utterly crazy in every aspect. Two new people were hired on at the office this month and a lot is changing, I'm looking to get my own place as soon as possible, I've been spending nearly all of my time with Ben when I'm not working. I just haven't been as prone to stay online long enough to update this thing.

Hope you're all staying warm. It's FREEZING here in Pensacola. We have temps in the 20's with wind chills in the single digits. In Florida?! That is just not even right.

Without further adieu...

The view from my cousins cottage tucked in the snowy mountains of West Virginia.

Hannah and I attempting to take a sweet sister picture in the snow

And again.

Really excited about snow.

moms, aunts, cousins and sisters

Hannah and I at our Great Grandma Smith's Piano

The whole family around the piano. We did this for HOURS. Loved it.

Hannah Banana and I attempting to moonwalk, I think?

There you have it.

2010

If I had to sum up 2009 in one word, I think I would have to choose unpredictable. Never in a million years would I have imagined that this year would turn out the way that it has, ever. Seriously.

I'd have to say that this year has been one of the best, yet also one of the most difficult years for me. This summer was incredible and was spent with amazing friends whom I love dearly. Some great memories were definitely made. Lets see, In January of this year when I wrote my new years resolution, goals, plans and ambitions, I definitely didn't see my family packing up and leaving by October. I didn't see Ben and I getting back together after being seperated for 3 and a 1/2 years and I didn't imagine that I would make the decision to stay in Pensacola without my family. There has been a massive turn of events and my plans and goals were altered quite a bit but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

To say that I've learned alot with these last 12 months would be a mere understatement. I've learned, changed and grown a ton and I can definitely feel it. I feel like I have a more vast perspective on things rather than the pinhole perspective that I possessed before. It's amazing how being on your own away from your nest ie family will inflict changes and affect you so much. Has it been hard? Most definitely. I miss them every single day and I miss my home, pets, familiarity etc. However, I'm proud to say that I am capable of being on my own. Independance has taken on a whole new meaning. I made a somewhat selfish decision to stay here and in doing so , am discovering so much more about myself and what I want and need. I've learned to love, let go, move on, glean from each and every situation, trust and give. It's beautiful, this life. So full of unexpected turns and bumps, yet never dull.

I'm 2 days away from bidding farewell to my dear friend, Beth. She's moving to Atlanta. Our friendship has been strengthened this year. I met her at the end of 2008 and now feel as though I've known her my entire life. Pretty much every memory this year involves her. I can't even fathom her not being apart of my every day life. Life is certainly full of greetings and partings.

On to 2010. What to expect? I honestly have absolutely no idea. I'm excited though and maybe a little anxious. I pray that this year would be filled with God's grace and direction. I hope that I continue learning, striving and growing. I desire to be used to influence another and I hope that I become more selfless and make helping and loving others a priority.

Tonight I will be counting down to the new year with all of my best friends in downtown Pensacola for the annual Pensacola Pelican Drop. Here is my post from all the fun that we had last year. I'm looking forward to it!

May this year be beautiful in every aspect, even in the challenges that it may bring.

My Christmas.

Hope you all had an incredible Christmas! I certainly did. It was the most wonderful white Christmas spent with my dear family and I enjoyed every second of it. It went by all too quickly, though.

This Christmas was much different than former Christmases as for the first time in my life, I did not wake up in my own home. However, I believe that this Christmas was by far one of the absolute best and memorable ones I've ever had. Undoubtedly.


My whole family has been affected by this ever failing economy in some way, so this year was quite refreshing as the focus was shifted away from materialistic gifts and onto what was/is of utmost importance. Honestly, the fact that I didn't "get" an enormous amount of presents to unwrap as usual didn't affect me one bit. I would have much rather preferred the Christmas we had over any elaborate gift money could buy.


Being with my family on my Mom's side was amazing. I love them all so very much and we all have a very special and deep connection due to our heritage and beautiful family history. We spent hours all gathered around the piano that belonged to my great grandma as my uncle, aunt and mom played and sang beautifully composed songs and lyrics that my incredible Grandma wrote. (She passed into eternity in 2003.) It was precious and undeniably sentimental. They literally had us all in tears. It was very enriching and meant more to me than any gift that wrapping and bows could adorn.

We all went sledding in the 20+ inches of snow that fell and then sat and got all toasty by the fire as we all laughed until we cried. When we get together, there is always a LOT of laughter. We had a Michael Jackson dance party, naturally and proceeded to all watch the Office together which entailed much more laughter. It was great. I believe that I excercised muscles that I hadn't in quite sometime due to laughing. Thank you, satire.

The food was phenominal as to be expected and every sort of cookie, candy and sweet treat was easily found within my aunt and uncle's home as my mom literally baked for weeks beforehand.

Those 3 days went by rather quickly but some of the most precious memories were made within them. I am so very thankful that I was able to join them all.

It was definitely a Christmas that I will always remember fondly.

I was of course eager to get back and see Ben as we had gone 8 days without seeing each other. I wish he could have accompanied me and experienced this Christmas. It was truly wonderful in every aspect. I am so blessed and thankful to be apart of such an incredible family.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! Here's to a new year that begins very shortly.

-Amber

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

I'll be boarding a flight to Pittsburgh in just a few short hours to meet up with all of my dear family in the snowy mountain state of West Virginia!

In case I'm not back on here before I return (which I kind of doubt I will be), I wanted to go ahead and wish ALL of you a very...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I truly hope that each and every one of you have a beautifully blessed Holiday with your families and loved ones.

Much Love,

Amber

Christmas happenings.

Ben and I had a most lovely weekend together. Friday night we had dinner and exchanged gifts in which I received a most beautiful Michael Kors designer handbag as pictured below AND he freaking got me a new 55-250 mm zoom lens for my Canon Rebel! So sweet. I gave him two sweaters and a wallet/money clip. As you can tell, he definitely outgifted me =/ It was a good time spent together, though. I really enjoyed it.

Saturday night we attended an "Ugly Christmas Sweater Party" and this was my creation...




















Light up earrings!




















He left today for Michigan where he will be spending Christmas with his family and I leave Wednesday for West Virginia where I will be spending a WHITE Christmas with my family. We won't see each other for a whole week. :( This is quite strange considering we have seen each other every single day since late October when we started talking again.

I'm very much looking forward to spending Christmas with my wonderful family. I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving and I miss them tons!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

I can't believe Christmas is in 4 days! That is totally insane. So much to do...

Love, Amber

Updating!

I am currently counting down the minutes until it's 5:00! I know, hard to believe.

I am so ready for this weekend! Tonight Ben and I are celebrating Christmas together as we will both be in totally different parts of the country for Christmas celebrating with our families.

Tonight shall entail a nice dinner at my all time favorite restaurant in Pensacola, The Fish House, our gift exchange, Christmas movies and hot chocolate. I am very much looking forward to it.

Kelly Clarkson was amazing last weekend. She puts on a fabulous show and her vocal talent is absolutely phenominal. Her band is also insanely talented. It was a lot of fun and I throughly enjoyed it.

I fly out to Pittsburgh, PA on Wednesday to meet up with all of my family at my aunt and uncle's house in West Virginia. I'm getting very excited and eager to see my family and celebrate with all of them. It looks as though I just may be having a white Christmas this year. I haven't had a white Christmas since I was a little kid! I'm stoked.

It really hasn't felt like Christmas to me all month. It's weird. The other night, Ben and I went to a big Christmas tree that our hospital puts up on a main street in town and took a picture with my phone. I think that may be the most christmasy thing I've done all month! Haha. We have an ugly Christmas sweater party to attend tomorrow night. Now, I just need an ugly Christmas sweater.

Tomorrow I'm going to look at a house that I may potentially be moving into in January! Yes, you heard me. I'm looking at getting my own place SOON and I couldn't be more excited about it.

Oh so much is going on my my little life.

That's all for now, friends. I hope you're all having a blessed Christmas season. I'm off to catch up on my reading and commenting!

Love, Amber

Oh my.

What a week it has been!

I've been the only one at the office this week due to my co-worker being out sick. Ay. It's been a week, I tell you. So ready for this weekend that begins in exactly 2 hours and 10 mins!

Ben bought tickets to take me to see Kelly Clarkson tonight!

So so so excited! That guy. My goodness.

This weekend shall be filled with lots of fun. The Christmas parade is tomorrow night and our friends are playing a show downtown. It's supposed to be cold cold cold so maybe it will start to feel more like Christmas to me. I'm so looking forward to all of it.

I hope you all have an amazing weekend! :)

The gift.

As mentioned previously, Ben made me the most beautiful gift ever as he collaborated hundreds of pictures from my lifetime and made them into a montage that sits in a gorgeous frame. It will always be a a prized possession to me as it essentially screams "me" in so many aspects. Every era of my life is documented in this most thoughtful gift. No one has ever gone to such lengths to do something this special for me. I love it so much and wanted to share a picture of it with all of you.

Please disregard the somewhat grim quality of this photo as it was in fact taken with my blackberry. You get the idea.

:)

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

However, it doesn't necessarily feel like Christmas to me right now. I'm assuming that the absence of my family fully contributes to this feeling. We have so many sweet traditions that I will not be able to participate in this year. Sad.

I'm going to make the most of this blessed season, though. I'm surrounded by wonderful friends and I plan to seize and treasure every moment spent with loved ones. Plus, I will be spending Christmas eve and Christmas day with my wonderful family! God totally provided a way for me to fly to West Virginia to be with them. We're all meeting up there at my aunt and uncle's house. I couldn't be more excited!

I'm really happy in so many aspects of the word but the last couple of days, I have been feeling a bit down. This growing up stuff isn't easy. I'm trying my absolute best to be positive and excited about the future and I really do love how things are right now. Plain and simple- I miss my family and my home.

Ben is wonderful and treats me like a queen. It's insane, really. I've never been treated with so much respect and care by anyone. It's so precious and inevitably makes me feel amazing. So blessed. I think I mentioned before that our history goes back 5 and a 1/2 years, didn't I? Isn't that insane? Seriously, our story could be a book. It's that crazy and sweet. I love it. I'm still in disbelief about it all but I'm savoring every moment we've been able to spend together. Our times together are so pure and sweet. There's a definite comfort given our past but also a new intrigue and mystery which makes it all the more exciting and precious. Seriously, every girl should be treated the way he treats me. EVERY girl. I'm amazed at the amount of thoughtfulness he displays towards me. He knows exactly what makes me happy and goes beyond measure to give it to me. It's so sweet and melts my heart. Slow strides though. Slow strides.

I'm learning to discover beauty in the unpredictable and contentment in the curves that life consistently throws at me. It's a lesson to be learned every single day.

I hope you're all having a beautiful holiday season thus far.

Love, Amber

I'm here and new news!

I can't believe it's December. That is so freaky to me. This year has flown by way too quickly for my own good. My goodness.

SO much has happened since I last posted. SO MUCH.

This year has just been absolutely crazy in every aspect, honestly.

Remember this?

Well, I went to Charlotte for Thanksgiving to be with my family and Ben came with me. We had an AMAZING time, by the way. It was so great being with all of my family! My cousin and her husband showed up and surprised us. It was an incredible weekend filled with lots of good food, fun, laughter and amazing people. It was difficult leaving.

So, Ben is the guy that I dated 3 and 1/2 years ago. The only person that I have EVER dated in my life actually, and we're talking again. There is such a crazy, long, insane story that goes with this whole situation. I'm basically still in complete and utter shock with regard to everything but strangely find myself to be completely content with it. It's crazy. Beautifully crazy.

I've never been treated with so much care and respect by someone and I'm finding myself falling.

I'm still in disbelief, honestly. When things ended between us 3 and a 1/2 years ago, I never ever imagined this happening.

Life is so unpredictable. There are so many winds and bends along the way that you can in no way be fully prepared for. So exciting and yet terrifying all at the same time.