Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I struggle.

I struggle with wanting so badly to do and be what everyone wishes, that I completely deplete myself in my effort to attain a very unattainable goal.

I struggle with burying hurt and pain so deeply within me that it only eats away at me internally and robs me of sufficient sleep and makes me physically ill.

I struggle with feeling inadequate and feeling as though I don't really measure up to what other's expectations are of me.

I struggle with self worth.

I struggle with my outward appearance, weight, body type and proportion and comparing myself constantly to others.

I struggle with pushing people away for fear that they might hurt me and I, in turn end up hurting them and myself more.

I struggle with criticism. I struggle with over analyzation. I struggle with feeling as though I am weak and unable.

I struggle with things from my past. People who have hurt me, used me or abused me haunt me and if and when I am forced to confront them, I feel fear and anxiety.

I struggle with over achieving as to not fail because, failure, in my eyes is completely unacceptable.

I struggle.

God says...

"You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of men."
1 Corinthians 7:23

I have become a slave to other's expectations, thoughts, critical opinions and self inflicted "worse case scenario" type of thinking.

I can't live like this any longer. I simply cannot. It's going to kill me, my relationships, friendships and it's going to completely steal every bit of joy, life and vitality that essentially, Amber is made up of.

I am not myself lately. At all.

I am so thankful for a love who has stood by me as I've allowed myself to become consumed by these feelings and emotions. I'm so ashamed that I've allowed myself to get to this point as it has affected every area of my life.

Ben prayed the sweetest prayer over me last night. Hot tears streamed down my face as he prayed and my heart began to feel just a little lighter.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

I must exchange this heavy load for the rest he promises to give me when I am weary. I struggle with feeling as though I must bear this burden alone but that is not what my father wants for me. He desires to give me rest and peace and I need that more than anything right now.

I'm laying it down...


Crazy Shenanigans said...

I think you have to do what's right for YOU! No matter how it may effect some others.

alyssa said...

aw, honey!!! that made me sad! to know that you struggle with these seem just perfect to me!! you look perfect, your boss loves you, and your boyfriend loves you! don't let the devil do that to you! you are a doll!