Monday, June 30, 2008

Psalm 139

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me
You know when I sit and when I rise you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down you are familiar with all my ways
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD
You hem me in—behind and before you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn if I settle on the far side of the sea even there your hand will guide me your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake I am still with you.
Search me, O God, and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

This Psalm has been a favorite of mine for many years. How amazing is it to think that God knows our every thought, desire, dream, feeling and he knows every word before it has even been on our tongue! Wow, that is almost impossible for me to comprehend. In all honesty it somewhat frightens me to know that God knows EVERY single thought of mine. Yet, He still loves me. No matter how tainted my thoughts may be, His thoughts are still precious toward me. Wow. There really is not much more i can say, this passage says it all. Read it a couple of times and let it seep in. There is a God, He is real and He knows you and He desires for you to know Him.

Lately it seems that God has been speaking to me through what may seem to be the smallest things. I guess we can get so caught up in life and it's routine that we forget to stop and appreciate the beauty that it has to offer. I pray to be made more childlike and simplehearted.

Friday, June 27, 2008

God please help us

"A democratic president is essential for america to become a nation at peace again . We must have a democratic president come next January. A democratic president will restore america's values."
-Hilary Clinton

Are you kidding me?!?!

I'm listening to the "Unite for Change" speech Hilary Clinton is giving pretty much commending and campaigning for Barack Obama.

I'm about to throw up.

I can't say much more than that.

God help us.

In the previous months they were like enemies and now they're "Uniting for Change"? Uhhhhhh okay?

Meanwhile, there are three small screens to the right of the speech showing 3 natural disasters in the US. Wildfires, flooding and levee breach, and tornadoes and oil hit $142 a barrel today (record high). Ummm, I'm definitely not supersticious or anything like that but I honestly think that this world is near ending. I fear for what will happen after this election. I'm not going to freak myself out just yet but I am going to pray because really that's all I can do. All I know is, this really is not a time to be playing around.Call me stupid for being a FOXnews junkie but I like to know what's going on in my country and I want to be aware. I don't get all depressed about it, I just care. I just think that is what is wrong with our generation, a lot of them DON'T CARE. Not good, not good.

"Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ, ' and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. "Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come. [Matthew 24:4-14]

10 random facts about me

I fugured I'd write some random facts about me to get us better acquainted. I must admit, this whole blogging thing could very well become addicting if I'm not careful. I've already posted twice today! Nerd? Uhhhhhh

Ten Random Facts About Me

10. When I was around 5 or 6 I actually thought that I had once been an adult, like as if I had lived a previous life and I used to talk to all my friends about “When I was Big” and I would tell them stories of what my “Big Life” consisted of. Makes me wonder. Haha

9. I love to eat weird foods anything from kibbi, hummus, falafel and cous cous to sushi and weird Spanish and european dishes. I’ll try anything at least once and chances are I’ll actually like it (most of the time :)

8. I tend to be ocd about certain things. I absolutely can not and will not leave my house without my bed being made or it will bother me all day long, I also color coordinate my closet. However, the rest of my room can be a wreck. Weird, I know.

7. I could literally sit at a piano and sing for hours and not get bored with it. There is something about making music that is so soothing and it does something deep inside of me that is indescribable.

6. Stationary and journals are some of life’s little necessities.

5. I can nap anytime, anywhere and in any setting. In fact, I could fall asleep at this desk right now sitting upright. I should’ve been a cat.

4. When I’m upset, I often give the silent treatment or leave and just drive. I can’t stand yelling and it helps me cool off and become calm and collective.

3. I have an odd way of doing things every day, I have a routine that I follow every morning and I don’t like to get off track, such as this morning there was no creamer! That threw me for a spin, my day is just not going right because of it either.

2. I press the lock button on my keyless entry like 10 times and then I forget when I get inside and go back out to make sure the doors are locked!

1. I have had many near death experiences from being bit by a copperhead snake, busting my head open, having a vent fall on my face as a baby and ripping my eyelashes out, to having a possum fall out of a tree, hit me in the head and knock me down (I am not lying). I’m pretty sure I have some of the craziest stories you will ever hear and one day I’m going to write a book.

Fabulous Friday

Once again, the sky is black today. It has rained every day this week, literally. It's good though, we've needed it for sure.

So, my boss got back from his cruise to Italy today and when i got to the office everyone was in his office listening to all the stories and hearing about all the things he got to do and see. It was pretty interesting. It brought back memories of when I went there. Italy is a wonderful place, beautiful and just absolutely amazing! I want to go back to Europe so badly. I love it there. Anyway, he brought back gifts for all of us! Isn't that so sweet? Jackie and I got these delicate little hand carved jewelry boxes and Brian got some nice Italian liquor. Seriously I am so blessed. I love my job and i like the people i work with. They're all older than me but so nice and no one talks bad about each other. It's great! I love the environment and despite the fact that some people can be testy and can get upset easily when it comes to their insurance and accounts , but the ones that come in and pay faithfully every month and are pleasant company make it so much better. In fact, just yesterday I received a sweet phone call from a lady who has her policies here and there was actually a time where she was a little preturbed about something and was considering taking her business elsewhere. I went out of my way to accomodate her and cater to every need she had when it came to her bills and you have no idea the difference that made! She has called me on two different occasions and just told me how thankful she was and how I made her want to stay with the company. You have absolutely no idea how good that makes me feel! I mean it's pretty common to have people call to complain, whine about their premiums and get upset at you for something that you had absolutely nothing to do with and is out of your hands. So when someone calls primarily to thank you it is like the best feeling in the world! I absolutely love people, I love meeting them, helping them and talking to them. It's crazy all the different encounters I've had with some while working here. I've had people sit at my desk and start crying and talking to me about very personal things. I've also had some that I just felt that instant connection with their spirits.

I am still waiting on my authorization fromTallahassee to go and get my 4-40 license. I passed all the testing and such but I have to get appointed and actually go and get the license. Then I can officially begin to sell insurance! I am pretty excited, I feel like I've actually accomplished something important =)

Well today is favorite! I have this itch to go shopping today, kind of unusual. Lately I have hated shopping for some reason! So weird. It might have something to do with the fact that I have put on a few pounds :( I am really trying to work out and eat right. I'd love to be able to fit back in my size two jeans! I get so discouraged when I have to go up a size...ahhhh! I have a gym membership but I rarely have time to go...I need to start attending the spin class once a week at least...that class will kill you! (in a good way)

Meagan (my best friend) is moving back home on sunday!! I am so excited! I love that gal.

Last night I went with Allison, Cary and Lisa to B-ville. I hadn't been there in so long! It was kind of weird. It's so crazy how something can be your entire world and life for so long (in my case more than half of my life!) and then you leave and it becomes so foreign to you. What used to be my home away from home is more like a place I don't recognize anymore. It's so sad. I mean I have nothing against anything there and I still love everyone but it's just so different! I sometimes wish I could go back to those good old days. It was crazy seeing everyone and they were all really sweet. We got wristbands to go to BBF. I think I've been to every BBF since like 2000. Wow, those conferences were the highlight of my year as a teen. I lived for summer youth camp and Branded by Fire youth conferences! I loved being apart and giving of all my time to help and stay up until 5 am vacuuming and setting up chairs with this crazy excitement inside of you and then when 3,000 kids would flood through the doors and the whole place would erupt in prayer and worship. Nothing like it. I loved those days. I was so fortunate to be apart of such a great youth group with amazing leaders.

God did a lot inside of me through all the years I was at brownsville. I treasure that place dearly. It's sad how man can so easily corrupt and ruin what God does. But we're human, we're prone to pride. God has a way of humbling us though and despite all the crap that happened I really believe that he has done and is doing restorative work inside of a lot of people.

I am not one to judge the motives of man's hearts, I can judge their works but not their hearts. Only God has the ability to see what is truly on the inside. The inward motives of our hearts, our selfish ambition pride, and even ulterior motives. "The heart is deceitful above all things.", how true that verse is.

Well, I guess I better conclude before this gets even more jumbled up. My mind is all over the place today, can you tell?

Have a fabulous Friday and a wonderful weekend!!!


Thursday, June 26, 2008

Random things and Eternity

Buenas Dias!!

Thursday it is! We all know how much I live for the weekends and again we're only two days away, how wonderful!

Last night was nice, I did not do too much. I just took time to myself and took my time in doing so. I went around town for a little bit after work and did some shopping :) I did not make many purchases, just one. There is this little goodwill down the road from my office and you can often find the neatest little things there. I found these amazing dishes! I know I do not have a house or anything yet but they were just so cool and cheap. They're brown and teal, square and kind of modern looking. I like them a lot.

Last night I went out to eat at Sonny's with my mom, Ash, Hannah and Ash's boyfriend Sam. There is really no reason in saying I went out to eat at Sonny's unless something happened that is worth reading, right? I mean don't get me wrong, they have great ribs and wonderful BBQ but the point is that something really great happened! ha Well maybe not "great" but extremely funny. There we were minding our own business and just chatting a bit when a family of five came in with three little ones. Two little girls and one little boy. They had apparently just been at VBS or something considering all their matching lime green shirts with their church logo, so cute. They sat directly in the booth behind us and of course the kids were a little loud and crazy which didn't bother me too much, they were just being kids. Well the little boy was sitting up against our booth and he turned around and with the biggest grin on his face, eyes shining and mouth open and let out a loud and somewhat long burp! And he just stared at us smiling the whole time he was doing it! Of course there was an uproar of laughter from our table and then all the kiddies were laughing so hard they could barely breathe. His mother didn't look too thrilled about it and I imagine that she was a little embarrassed but we found it to be hilarious and it totally made my night! Haha, kids are great!

On another note, I was downloading some music onto my ipod last night and I came across a brief teaching by Misty Edwards accompanied by music. I had heard it before, quite a few times but it had been a while. The teaching is entitled "Eternity", it's really just more of a speel than a teaching. It's absolutely amazing and extremely sobering. I listened to it like 3 times and each time it seemed to hit me harder than before as if I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. She basically addresses the truth of eternity and how real it is, how real God is and how real His love is for us. Everything is going to fade away, we are only a vapor. Time is not our friend and we are not promised tomorrow. God is calling to our hearts and there is an urgency for us to get right with Him before we enter eternity. That can be a frightening word for a non-believer. I would recommend listening to this teaching, shutting everything off around you and paying attention to every word, it will grip you. I pray that God would write eternity upon our hearts, that it would become more real than this life we are living. I love what Leonard Ravenhill said, "This life is only a dressing room for eternity".

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"Scream the Prayer" and God's Heart

I am so unbelievably exhausted today, I simply can not put it into words.

Last night was quite a scene. Between the sweltering and almost unbearable heat and 600+ bodies crammed into our venue (which has the capacity to hold 350+), the loud music, enormous amounts of trash and literally the feeling that you might just pass out from a heat stroke and dehydration to running around town to pick up pizzas and extra water I just feel like I may not possibly make it through this day without having to lay my head down on this desk and just pass out.

It was a great show altogether. "Scream the Prayer" was the name of the tour and there were 14 different bands who performed. The event began at 2:00 pm and we did not get out of there until 1:30 am. Needless to say our dear venue was a sight to behold after the stampede was out. Endless amounts of water bottles covered the floor, gum still somewhat fresh and chewy pressed and mashed into the carpet (that's always lovely), and a floor vacuumed and cleaned just the day before looks as though it's never been cleaned. Ahhh, the venue life. I'll tell ya though, last night was pretty intense and amazing. The bands were so bold about their faith in Jesus. I loved that. Kids came from all over the place to see and hear their favorite "Hardcore" band and lo and behold they were presented with the Gospel. I am not a fan of the hardcore music, not one bit. I find it to be disturbing, obnoxious and harmful to the ears. haha. I will say this though, I have no place to judge whether or not this so called "christian" music is pleasing to God's ears. I used to think it sounded hell-ish and there was no way that it could be titled "christian", but you know what? I really don't think God cares about what the music sounds like and whether it's a beautiful melody played gracefully on a piano or a barking guitar and ridiculously loud drumbeats, God looks at the heart. He looks at the heart, period. We seem to get so easily caught up in this whole mindset of "Tattoos, loud music, breakdowns and hardcore dancing=rebellion and is Anti-God, we're stuck in a rut. Now, I'm not saying that there are a lot and I mean a lot of hardcore bands who do not live for Jesus and their music is born out of hatred, jealousy, bitterness and lust and that music is of course extremely unpleasant because it is accompanied by an dark and evil presence.

Now, again let me emphasize that I am not a huge fan of hardcore music and there was a point in time where I judged it harshly, I didn't see the point of it, it simply hands me headaches and makes my ears ring. But would you believe it if I told you that it brings kids from all over, they like eat this stuff up. Maybe it's the passion and energy the music gives off and it literally causes these kids to like lose control of themselves and dance like a crazy person! It's really a sight to behold, let me tell ya. How could we limit God's ability to reach these kids? Obviously this is something they absolutely love, it's their passion, it's like their escape or something. Don't get me wrong here but don't we believe that God works in mysterious ways? He totally does and I think he loves to shatter our mindsets and pull us out of the rut we so easily get ourselves into.

I am a firm believer in repentance and in abandoning your old ways when you come to know Jesus and surrendering your heart and life to Him but honestly would he require abandonment of that which has the potential of actually bringing glory to His name and proclaiming His truth to this generation to this group of "hardcore" kids or whatever you want to call them. They have souls too. They really are open to hear and trust me they are looking for it and when you present it to them in love they simply cannot resist it. I understand that these kids have been hurt and wounded because of the impression their appearance has given, it's almost like they're automatically categorized as awful human beings who have inked themselves and get wasted every night which is most likely true but shouldn't we be reaching out to them all the MORE?? I know a lot have wounds have been caused by "christians" and churches but I am not here to say that that is any excuse for anything. I am not bitter against the church nor do I place the blame entirely on them. I think we can get so caught up in placing blame and finding fault that we excuse their behavior because of hurt. Of course wounds do cause you to often do things that you probably wouldn't normally do, thats just the truth. We shouldn't get so caught up in finding fault and error that we forget the bigger picture. We don't need to bash the ones who inflicted pain, but pray for them. How are we different from them if we attack them and talk negatively about them. Either way, it isn't right. That is why there is so much discord among the generations, it is hard for the older people to understand the younger and vice versa. But can you imagine the radical movement that could very well take place the moment that we refuse to accept and believe the lies, the moment that we say, "you know what, they did treat me like crap but Jesus has changed me and I know what true love is and no matter how much they hurt me or neglected me, I am still going to love them and forgive them." Wow! What a heart, what a love, what a picture of the love of Christ.

No more back-biting and talking trash about each other. There is a place we can come to where we don't necessarily have to agree that their music and tattoos are pleasant and you know what?They probably would hate your music and don't like what you wear either but is that really what it's all about? I don't think we're all that shallow, I think we all know that despite our outward appearance, that is not how we are judged in the end. Our hearts, our inside, our spirit and our love is what defines us. They will know us by our love. Now, I'm not going to like go and get all tattooed and pierced now, not my style but I sure can love those kids just as much as I do the ones who have a neat appearance but could very well possibly be atrocious inwardly.

I really could go on and on. I feel like I have this revelation of love and of God's love for us in a deeper way than I've ever understood it before, probably because I was so caught up in what I "thought" it looked like. My little human mind thought it could actually comprehend such things, wrong-o! I have found myself to be very wrong in many aspects and I have let my guard down and I have dicovered a whole new place in my that I didn't even know was there. When I see these kids and see their desire to to be loved for who they are, it's like they're screaming inside for someone to accept them that they've developed this kinship among themselves and they've become more like family who would probably literally die for each other. Now we introduce the vast love of God to them and they become the Body of Christ. I see so much potential and I have such a desire to see God come and mess them all up and competely overtake them with His love. There is a movement taking place, I can feel it. I really believe that God is about to do something miraculous, something only He has the capability of doing. All these "atheists", "agnostic" and "God-free" kids are being confronted with the truth of His love and I can see that they can't deny it any longer. We all have a spot inside that only God can fill and I see them already scoping all this stuff out and testing the truth of it. We can't put limits on God, it's impossible. He always does things a different way. Partner with us and pray for the Red Door venue.

This minstry is unlike any other I've ever experienced. It's hard, tiring, depleting, and it can easily discourage you if you're not careful and if you don't continually pray and seek God. However the reward is always much greater than the sacrifice and the greater the sacrifice, the greater the reward. We are sowing into what I believe is going to be a great harvest of souls who will advance the kingdom of God. May we not become weary in doing so. Our strength is drawn from Him, He is our supply for every need and the way we live speaks so much louder than the words we speak. They are watching us, every move we make. Let's set a standard, one of holiness, of purity, of righteousness and of truth.

“I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” -John 13: 34-35.

"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Never Fails Me...

"Jesus' Blood never fails me."

This lyric and melody has been ringing through my head constantly. I'm not sure what triggered it or why but it's been a tune that seems to play over and over again in my mind.

If you think about it, singing about blood can seem somewhat gruesome and grotesque but when we sing about Jesus' blood is seems so sweet and delicately pleasing. "How precious is the flow that makes me white as snow", speaking of the blood of Jesus. We use words like precious, sweet and powerful to describe this blood that was shed so brutally. It's become something we've become contigent upon, something that blankets our sins and heals our diseases. It's become a beautiful picture of love. This flow has the ability to completely transform our hearts and lives, it can wash us of every filthy sin we've ever committed, it can cleanse our minds and thoughts which constantly corrupt our being. It purifies our hearts and our hands. It's boundaries are endless, it is not limited to anything, not any one religion or denomination. This blood applies to all of us, it is efficient, sufficient and able to do the most incredible work deep within our hearts. This cherished and highly esteemed blood can change us and make us new, it cleans our slate and brings us to our knees away from ourselves. It never runs out, it never ceases. Innocent blood poured out for us so that we might gain, so that we might be healed, so that we might find forgiveness though we're so undeserving.

It's beyond me how vast and selfless this love is. I, in my human-ness cannot comprehend it.

Love willing to die and suffer severely for the betterment of us, for the future of us, for the forgiveness of our sins, for the healing of our disases and for our protection. It also has provided a way for us to come before God freely, to have relationship with him and truly know Him.

How can we neglect so great a sacrifice? There is no way a price could ever be placed upon what was done for us. How can we not accept this gift of eternal life, the grace that covers our sins and frees us and allows us to enter into a relationship with our creator, king and loving savior?

May His blood be applied upon our hearts. May we not take lightly the truth of our Savior's love. May it become more real to us than the air that we breathe. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, it allows room for error or weakness and still loves us though we've failed. It does not keep a record of our wrongs. This is the truest love you will find here on earth.

How precious is the flow that makes me white as snow.

Jesus' blood never fails me.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Quite Terrifying

I'm certainly not one to dwell too intensely upon public affairs or politics but I do not ignore them or drown them out with everything else that my little bubble of a world is made up of.

Uhhh, have you been following the news lately?

Okay, so maybe it is adult-ish to watch the news every morning with coffee in hand before I leave for my office job. I guess now that I am an adult I should intend on acting like one. I think we should be concerned about what is going on in this present election. I am alarmed at the fact that a man such as Barack Obama is even a candidate, it blows my mind. I am not one bit prejudice, I have nothing against the man's pigment but I do have a problem with his superior attitude and the fact that the man has the audacity to stand during the pledge of allegiance or national anthem and not show an ounce of respect by placing his hand over his heart. The fact that he was mentored by a man who has boldly proclaimed that he was "Anti America". Now tell me, why would we want someone leading our country who does not believe in it? He rants and raves about this "Change We Can Believe In" but has he stated just exactly what this "change" is? He is a shady man. Not only that but many other figments of scary truth have made up a man whom we have come to know as the democratic candidate for the President of the United States.

I'm not as educated on this subject as I wish to be. I have read and researched a number of things regarding Obama and have found everything I read to be dissatisfying and terrifying. I do not know what the future hold for the next 4+ years but I can assure you that this is not a time to be playing around.

Our future, our children's future, and our country's future and fate hangs in the balance.

I suggest prayer, major prayer.

I need a keyboard!

I REALLY want to buy a keyboard. A nice keyboard might I add. I've been wanting one for a while now and I've been looking but all the ones I want are way too expensive. Hopefully something will come up soon. I'm pretty picky when it comes to keyboards =/ I hate that I am but I guess I'm so spoiled by the sound and feel of a real piano that it has ruined me. Anything that doesn't have that authentic sound and touch sounds so toy-ish to me.

I really want to start playing more and it's difficult to do so on my piano because it's located in our family room, which is the most active room in the house and when the tv is on or people are scattered all over the room the last thing they want is the noise of a piano to talk or listen over. So, I'd really love something I could have in my bedroom to play whenever I feel like it.

I'm continuing to write as much as I can and I'm trying to keep singing as much as I can as well. Hopefully something will become of all of this, God willing.

Until then, I'm still on the lookout for that perfect keyboard ;)

Monday =/

That awful dreaded Monday has once again arrived and it came quite quickly might I add. I was so pleasantly greeted by a rather large load of messages, pending notes and many payments that needed entered into the system and while trying to juggle all of this the phone decided to ring about every 2 min. How I just love Monday mornings, ha. They sure know how to put a damper on the mood. Thankfully the last two hours have gone by rather quickly. Now if only the rest of the day would stay at this pace.

This past weekend was somewhat uneventful. We had a family reunion to attend in Opp, AL on Saturday. It's as small as it's spelled. Then Sunday consisted of a whole lot of nothing on my part. I did some minor cleaning and didn't really feel so good, so I slept a lot and just lounged around.

Last night there was some heavy duty cooking to be done for the "Scream the Prayer" tour that is on Tuesday. Mom is trying to have everything prepared beforehand so things don't get too out of control. It's most likely going to be the biggest event that the Red Door has ever hosted, so we want to be sure that everything goes smoothly. It should be interesting. We're looking forward to it. Hopefully everything goes as planned.

That's really all.

Maybe I'll get inspired and write something worth reading later.


Friday, June 20, 2008

Show LOVE, show hope

She carefully examined her mirrored reflection in the tainted glass. Her small frame and sunken eyes greatly displeased her. Peering for several moments she did not make any attempt to fix what she saw and became a victim of indirect criticism. Words flooding her mind only intensifying the hatred toward what she beheld. "Ugly, fat, repulsive, unfashionable, pale"- all words that ran through her head repeatedly. The scars on her frail wrists told the most truth and the emptiness deep within her eyes spoke the facts. No glimmer of hope to be found, only pure worthlessness, betrayal, feelings of anxiety and hatred filled her core. Her innocence trespassed and violated leaving her with nothing but absolute fear. Rejected by her world, her family, herself. Why go on? Why face it all over again tomorrow? Why hurt, Why cry? Why bleed? They're all silent cries, unseen and uncared for. Lonliness becomes her dearest friend and deception seeps into the core of her soul, withdrawing and feeding on every lie that resounds within her mind. She's become a victim of her own, inflicting pain upon herself and punishing herself for who she is not. Her scars display rejection of self, a need to release pressure by obstucting her tender vains. In a sense it's a relief to her. Temporary highs give her an escape, to flee the current pains and dissatisfaction she feels. Her heart senses no love, peace or hope only fear and distrust.

How many have I crossed paths with? How many have I had the profound opportunity of speaking with? How many have I left "with hope"? My prayer today is that I would be drawn to these young girls and women whom I know I come in contact with often and that in someway I can offer something that can in fact ease their pain and soften their hearts. How my heart breaks for them. How I cry when I just think about their lives and the constant pain they face within their broken and dysfunctional homes. I do not know their pain, I do not know their heartache, I can not relate but I have a hope to offer them. I can show them love, I can show them acceptance when the world and even sometimes the church shuts them out because society calls them "emo" and categorizes them as though they're compartmentalized and not possessing a human heart, soul and feelings. If we would just be the body.

Let's be like Jesus and embrace these, God forbid we get our hands a little bit dirty in doing so.

Love. Love. Love.

I've said it so many times. I know there are SO many facets of the word of God that we are to follow and obey, but love is the greatest. Love sent Jesus to die for us, LOVE laid down His own life for us, LOVE conquered death, LOVE rose again, LOVE has a purpose for us. I PROMISE you that when you love someone it completely changes everything. It goes from you trying to change them to being their friend and someone they can talk to. God will give them conviction and bring them to repentance, that is NOT our place, nor our job. For when and if we enforce "conviction" I believe that they get saved out of guilt or condemnation and that will take them no where. It's a divine work of the Holy Spirit in which we cannot interfere. We simply love them, pray for them and speak into their lives.

I know I must sound like a broken record, but I just feel so strongly about this whole subject and matter.

Show love. Love is the movement.

Friday, coffee, thoughts, passions...all in one :)

Finally Friday! The day I look forward to most during the week! It seems to never get here fast enough and then those anticipated weekends just fly by and before you know it, it's Monday again.

So, I broke my commitment to the whole "no more coffee" thing. I simply could not resist it anymore. The aroma lures me in the mornings, awakens my senses and i simply cannot oppose the ever so wonderful taste of hazelnut. However, I have been drinking more water than usual which is always good! It's so much more refreshing than anything else to me, well besides really sweet tea :) Okay, I'm going off way too much on beverages. I will refrain for your sake and my own. You'd think I'd have nothing to write about.

Lately I've had this ever growing desire inside of me to start singing and playing piano again. I know for many years I suppressed this passion I had for music and worship and then God began to give me confidence in Him and opened doors for me to do so. I've found that the sweetest place to worship, sing and write is within the confines of my bedroom where I am alone, not performing and not trying to impress anyone with my gifts and talents. It's so wonderful to just be alone in worship sometimes. However, I have not been as faithful as I wish and that breaks my heart. I know this is what I was created for and that this longing inside of me to know Him more is ever intensifying yet never satisfied because I don't go to Him enough. How sweet it is when i do though. I don't know why it's so easy to get caught up in the here and now that I neglect spending time with Him. My hearts desire is to be closer. I love to play music and sing but my passion and hearts desire is to worship. I have written quite a few songs lately. I do not know if I will ever play them or if they will remain secure within the boundaries of my heart and in my rugged little notebook. Perhaps they were just meant to be between me and God or maybe one day I will have the incredible opporunity of recording them. I do not wish to be noticed for my talents, I wish to be noticed by my heart, a heart that is pure above all things. In my humanness it's easy to become prideful and take delight more in compliments or accolades than in the Lord, the one who gave and inspired this passion.

I have a long way to go, the road on this journey is ever winding and ever changing. When I think I finally have it all figured out, I'm harshly proven wrong and it simply brings me back to my knees and away from "self". The world is constantly trying to grip and lure me and when I'm all caught up in "self" it's easy to become distracted and give in to what may seem to be harmless. I've learned that it's a slippery slope and going back up is a lot more difficult than going down.

I'm thankful for His grace, mercy and His way of bringing me back to Him in every circumstance and situation even when it's somewhat unpleasant. He never lets me wander too far off. =)

I hope you have a beautiful day! =)

Love, Me

Thursday, June 19, 2008


I live: In pensacola
I work: At a State Farm Insurance Agency
I think: about things way too much
I smell: the air freshener at the office
I listen: to music all the time
I hide: my feelings a lot
I walk: everyday
I write: a lot, it's one of my favorite things to do
I see: this survey
I sing: every day!
I can: play the piano
I watch: the news every morning
I daydream: too much
I fall: when i trip
I want: to know God more
I cry: alone
I read: books
I love: my family and friends
I rode: in my car today
I sometimes: bite the inside of my cheek
I fear: losing someone I love
I hope: to get married someday
I eat: anything
I drink: water
I miss: my grandma
I forgive: because it makes me better
I drive: everyday
I lost: my earrings
I dream: every night
I kiss: hahaha no one
I hug: everyone
I have: so many things to be thankful for
I remember: my childhood very well
I don't: want to grow up
I believe: in God
I owe: on my car
I know: that I am loved
I hate: it when people lie to me
I wish: i could go on vacation right now
My ex: is my ex
Maybe I should: eat healthier
People would say that I'm: nice ? I hope
I don't understand: a lot of things
Life if full of: adventure, surprises and pain
My past is: my past, I've learned from it
I get annoyed when: I am lied to
Tomorrow: is Friday, thank God!
Never in my life have I: smoked a cigarette
When I was younger, I: was inseperable from my sister
When I'm nervous: I'm quiet

When I was 5: I was carefree and had no worries or fear, i was queen of the castle
My life is not complete without: Jesus
If you visit my hometown: I won't be there
I once dreamt that: I could fly
The world could do without: drugs
If I ever go back to school: I'll be come a teacher or pediatrician
And, by the way: smile :)

Thoughts for the day

This morning I was so delightfully greeted by a sweet and cool summer breeze when I opened my door to leave for work. How refreshing! My windows were not all fogged up from humidity, nice! And the sun seems a bit pleasing today as opposed to yesterday. Love it. And here I am sitting in an office until 5:00, at least I have windows to look out and I will seize every opportunity I can to take the mail out and check the payment box ;) I love the outdoors when it's accepting of me and does not attempt to plaster me with it's heat.

Speaking of the outdoors being accepting (that is just a figure of speech in case you're wondering) but has anyone seen "The Happening". I did and I was very displeased. I do not reccomend. I wonder if the film was really directed and written or at least funded by Al Gore. It was lame and dare I say one of the most horrible movies I've ever seen. Just a thought, haha.

Last night I'm pretty sure I had the worst migraines known to mankind. I do not know why but they were horrible. My family went to dinner to my favorite italian restaurant (Carrabas) and I was unable to join. That tells you how bad it was. I fell asleep shortly after taking about 5 advil and completely covering my head for darkness.

I am in a reflective mood today. Thinking a lot about the last couple years and how much things have changed, drastically. I do not know what the future holds, I'm not even going to try and plan it really cause it always changes. I certainly would have never imagined myself working in insurance, me?! What? Crazy enough, I am and I'm in the process of beginning to acquire my licenses for it. I don't even know how I got here.

I would have never thought that my mom would open a music venue! That alone is crazy. I love it and despite the criticism we are getting it's great. I do not understand why people have to say negative things about something that is doing good for so many. I mean no one else is reaching these kids so what is so bad about what we are doing? Yes, we allow secular bands on our stage, WE ARE NOT A CHURCH. We do not intend on being a church. We are a place where kids can come and hang out in a safe environment. We have our rules and regulations and for the most part the kids respect and abide by them. Of course there have been times where we have had to deal with issues but you'll get that anywhere. Please get off of your high horses and stop acting like we're doing something horrible.

Sometimes I wonder what it is that makes people do and say the things that we do. Aren't we supposed to be Christians? Let's start acting like it. Judging them by the way they look and act will only drive them further and further away than they already are. God doesn't wait until we're clean and pretty to take us. He takes us as we are and that is what we are supposed to do as "Christians". Love them and accept them no matter what and then when God gets a hold of them he will change their hearts and he will clean them up, that is NOT our responsibilty. We love them and then lead them. If we condemn them first then they will never follow. Love and then lead them to truth. Love conquers all things, it is what we are called to do among many other things but ifI recall correctly the Bible clearly states that "The greatest of all these is love".

I desire to demonstrate true love, accepting love and patient love.

Love, me :)

P.S. Has anyone listened to Coldplay's new cd, Viva la Vida? It's incredible! I've been listening to it non stop. How I do love that band.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


It's so unbearably hot and humid outside. I am a complete and total southern girl but the Florida heat in the summertime can easily get the best of me. It can be very overwhelming. I just went to lunch and in my short walk from the office to my car I felt like the sun was beating me only to climb into my car and not be able to breathe because of the severity of this awful humidity. Thank God for air conditioning and one that works! I have had to drive two different cars with no air conditioning in this sunshine state and well let's just say that it was pointless to take a shower before you got in the car to drive anywhere. Needless to say, I am exremely grateful for a nice car with air conditioning this summer! Thank you Lord!

I'm not meaning to seem like I have a cloud hanging over my head but I have been having these terrible headaches all day since this morning. They like get really intense, die down a bit and just linger only to get really intense again. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't had any caffeine today or what. You see I'm on this kick where I want to stop bad eating habits, work out and stay in shape. So, I joined a gym and I have not been as consistent in going as I thought I would be. I guess the nights I have nothing to do, I don't want to do anything and working out can seem a chore. However I am determined. I did not have my wonderful and faithful cup of hazelnut coffee this morning, I refrained and it was hard but I did it! I guess I have developed a dependancy on caffeine without even knowing it. I suppose that maybe this is the cause of these awful headaches. I am so tempted to go across the street to Starbucks and grab a frapp or something but I will resist the temptation and stick with this because I know I will feel better about it in the end, hopefully. (I'll let you know how my rebound goes ;)

On a lighter and happier note, Wednesday is almost over and that means only two more days of work until the weekend! How that excites me. I love my job but I LOVE my weekends :)

I suppose I should get back to work now. I just felt the urge to write, imagine that? ;)

much love. amber

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


I did it. I signed up to sponsor a child through Compassion International. It's an organization for children in poverty stricken countries and for those in unfortunate circumstances. I don't know what compelled me to do so, but I just had a desire to do it.

It may seem like an insignificant amount every month but it could very well promise a lot to this small girl from Guatemala.

Her name is Reyna, she's from Guatemala and she is 5 years old and adorable. I don't know why but her small face just stood out to me among the hundreds of frames of innocent little faces.

It's a really neat program. You basically sign up to send a monthly contribution and you keep in contact with the child through writing letters. I read a lot about it before I signed up and it is a very sincere organization that wishes to provide these unfortunate little ones an opportunity to attend school, and to reach out to children and young people who suffer from spiritual and physical poverty.

Words will never hurt me?

Your words cut into me like a jagged, yet dull knife. What did I do? I'm sorry that my concerns upset you. Maybe I should not have worded it the way that i did, perhaps I could have been more gentle, couldn't we all?

I'm not right, I don't wish to be proven right.

Maybe I am a horrible, wretched, ridicuous people pleaser.
Maybe I do care a lot about what you think and about what you say, possibly too much. Which is why I recoil when you hurt me.

Those words never go away, they have a dull ring that resounds deep within.

I'm not saying I don't forgive. I do forgive but I have a hard time forgetting and thats just the truth.

Time doesn't heal ALL wounds. I'm sorry but I disagree with that infamous quote.

It takes a lot more than time.

I still love you but I'm hurt. The things you've said can never be erased.


Flooding your beautiful mind
Distortion and distractions invade
Feeding lies that originated inside of you but not from you
Clutching and clinging
Self depravation
Self denial
Self destruction
implying critical inspection of yourself
Numb to what you feel
Image twisted and constantly compared
Never measuring up
Never quite good enough
Tears, blood and starvation have become regular pattern
Lies have a ring of truth
Deception has a cunning way of making life seem worthless
Love is found nowhere
Acceptance is non exsistent

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful you

Your pain does not go unnoticed.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Rain =)

The rain is falling like crazy right outside the window and it's absolutely refreshing for many reasons. 1, it has been so unbelievably hot and dry here the last couple of weeks, almost unbearable, bless those who have to work out in the heat. 2, our grass is in dire need of a drink as well as everyone's I believe. 3, I am looking forward to a lazy weekend on the couch or just doing nothing and rainy weather is absolutely perfect for that :)

I can't tell you how happy I am that it is Friday! It's been a somewhat stressful week but I've survived!

Have a wonderful and beautiful weekend. Drink a cup of coffee, read a book, do something for yourself and don't forget to tell your Dads how much you appreciate them for everything they do and for who they are! Mine is in Canada, unfortunately =\

Love, Me*

Thursday, June 12, 2008

To live for, to die for

We're all roaming about this lowly planet trying as best we can to find something to live for. Some of us live for our jobs and careers, some live for the moment and some live to simply live. Some live as though they'll never die and some die as though they've never lived. We all desire a cause to live for and something we can die for. I know it's not something we like thinking about but death is real, as real as life. Suppose you believe that after you die it's just over. Just like that, life taken from you never to be obtained again. The ones you love that have already been victims of death are nothing but a mere and distant memory to you now. You live for yourself and of course the ones you love, so the sting of death can seem to strangle you when confronted with it. Suppose you don't believe in God, suppose the bible is a fairytale to you and nothing more than exaggerated stories and fables. Suppose that you don't go to church because you feel as though you don't "fit in" and suppose you've heard the name and the story of Jesus but it wasn't realistic enough to make you believe.

I'm not here to argue, I'm not here to debate and I'm certainly not here to shove anything down anyone's throats and prove that "I am right". I don't have all the answers, I can't answer all your whys, whats, whens and hows. I am as human as you are, as frail as you are on the inside. I'm as weak and as prone to stumbling as you are. I'm not here to judge you, I'm not here to look down on you and I'm not here to prove you wrong. I am simply desirous to share the hope and faith that I have. That's the only thing that makes me different. All I know is that when I am at my weakest, there is someone that always proves to me He's there. Not by me seeing but by this overwhelming feeling I get inside that is impossible to convey. It's like even when there are times that I've wanted to deny or question the exsistence of God something would happen that would make me realize how impossible it is. You could sit all day and read article after article about scientific "proof" that there is no God and build a belief based on them. You choose what you believe, God is never going to force Himself on you. He'll never force you to believe in Him. Whatever the case, you have a faith in something whether or not it is God or not believing in God. You still believe in something.

Now I could sit here and write scripture after scripture about the exsistence of God and the sacrifice of His son, Jesus who bore our sins and shame and died so that we may gain eternal life. I could try to pursuade you into believing in what all my hope, faith and trust is in but it wouldn't work. You have to want to believe.

I can't imagine living with no faith and hope. I can't imagine living as though when i die it's just over. I know the truth not because I was raised to know it but because deep in my heart of hearts I know it's true and I believe with my whole heart that we ALL have a place deep within that knows the truth, we can't deny it. We can mask it, we can ignore it, we can even hide it but we can't get rid of it completely. We're designed to know our creator, we're made to love, we're created for love and true love came and gave His life for us so that we can truly know and we can truly be changed.

I have a deeper revelation of love than ever before.

There's a song by Nichole Nordeman called "What If" and it basically challenges the argument of God not being real. I absolutel love the words and I wanted to post them on here...

What If

What if you're right He was just another nice guy
What if you're right
What if it's true
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true
What if He takes His place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love, and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then

But what if you're wrong What if there's more
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for
What if you jump Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find
What if you pick apart the logic And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more than fokelore that must be told And retold

But what if you're wrong What if there's more
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for
What if you jump Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love

Cause you've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land
For so long But what if you're wrong
What if you jump Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love What if it's love

Friday, June 6, 2008

Live your song

And then we were. Utterly and helplessly human in every aspect, stumbling through this journey as best we can and attempting to keep our heads held above the water. Many things encompassing us and bitterly entangling our emotions and actions in hopes that we collide with the cold truth per say. They watch from the sidelines observing every action we take and harkening to every word we utter. Our conduct becomes tainted and our lips betray us. Peering from the outside in, judging every intricate detail and forming preconceived notions about what is heard.

In moments passing we become mere instruments, whether or not the tune we play be pleasant or disheartening, we all perform a melody. Notes meagerly plucked, strummed and tapped with every swift move of our fingers. The sound of beauty is far, yet coming into existence. Each intonation depicts your soul and the depths of your spirit. Every lyric portrays your heart of hearts compelling hopes and dreams or reveals the truth of what is held captive inside. Feelings of hopelessness, distrust, fear, brokenness and sorrow elude us. From those moments it seems we orchestrate the most lovely harmonies to pursue each melody. For when in despair we become vulnerable and our true colors emit rays of light and reflect upon each and every situation we've undergone. From the depths, truth is derived and revealed. Little effort is required for it isn't something that is forced, but abounds from within and is not strenuous. Heartache and sorrow are marked by peace and comfort and compose a symphony impossible to imitate. Once heard, never forgotten and persists to play intensely and occasionally, vaguely. You're not the only one who hears; many have the capacity of apprehending the sound which extends to all.

In time you perform a composition incomparable to any sound ever created captivating the heart of He who enforced the situations to produce such graceful sounds leaving everlasting impressions upon all who hear. Each medley is altered by every modifying moment, though positive or negative. It sometimes masks what we may be dealing with, but it always reveals itself in time. Inspiring and guided by divine influence it alleviates the constraint of a circumstance and opens our eyes to expose the view from above or below. Heights and depths maintain brilliance if only we could learn to see with doves eyes, undistracted and steadily fixed upon what is of significance.

Live your song.

So, I've come to the profound conclusion that "I" will never be perfect or meet perfection's standards. I know, deep right? Well in reality it is to me. I'm well known for allowing everyone's opinions and expectations of me dictate what I did and how I lived. Always afraid of letting someone down, so I let them walk all over me as I politely gave them the permission to do so. I do love to be a source of help and someone that can be depended on, but you know it's gone too far when you feel bad for staying home and sleeping rather that working when you're overly exhausted and drained. Guilty for wanting to rest? Sounds lame I know. There are days that I just want to go to the other side of the country all by myself and just do whatever I want and go wherever I want with an endless amount of money to waste and just see and do all there is do to. Then again, I am not THAT independant. I'm afraid of going to wal mart by myself at night. I can dream though. I often wonder what it would be like to do something like that, forget all of my responsibilites and just take off! Most know that Amber would never do such a thing, she's always everywhere on time and she always has everything together. But just for one day to be irresponsible and do something so totally out of the ordinary would be so exciting but I know I'd feel guilty the entire time...haha. So, I refrain. Maybe someday I'll conquer that and do something crazy, until then I'll be in the office every day from 8:00-5:00 =\

It doesn't hurt to dream.

Summer is here! I'm ready for weekends at the beach and sunkissed skin! I'm sure I'll be there all this weekend! =)

much love.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

At the Foot of the Cross

By: Kathryn Scott

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have given me life
Through the judgement you received
And you've won my heart
Yes, you've won my heart

Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me love
Through the death you bore for me
And you've won my heart
Yes, you've won my heart

Now I can trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

I absolutely love this song. It amazes me and continually reminds me that no matter what I've done or where I've been, I can always come back to the foot of the cross and find forgiveness though I am so unworthy. I must admit, although in the past I have tried to maintain this "perfect" image of what a christian was, a lot of it was just pleasing man and living up to their expectations of me. I went out of my way to make sure I was doing everything right that they needed me to do and in the midst of it all, I failed to do that which was so much more important. I guess you could say I was more martha instead of mary. Although my heart was pure toward my efforts, I was neglecting the one whom I was doing everything for. The other night I just stayed home alone and prayed to God to change my heart again, to do a deeper work inside of me and really bring me to true repentance. It's amazing how you can feel so exhausted and depleted one minute and within a matter of seconds feel so saisfisfied and refreshed. That's what God's presence does, it satisfies, it purifies, it releases your burdens and it fills you. I need to go there more often.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


Last night I rested. It was very refreshing to just not do anything at all! These past few weeks have been jam packed with so many things and I feel like I've been on the go non-stop!

I took and successfully passed my 440 class to get my property and casualty insurance license this past weekend! What a relief that was! I am "almost" equipped to actually quote and sell insurance, I guess we'll see how that goes. =)

I am very much looking forward to my glorious weekend!

Hope you're all doing well :)