Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I wish man's negative opinions didn't influence me as greatly as they most always do.

I wish I was more motivated to do what I absolutely love to do.

I wish fear didn't strangle and wrap around me the way it consistently does.

I wish I were more open and honest with myself about my dreams and aspirations.

I feel as though I settle too easily. I'm constantly telling myself I could never do this or that and if I try that, I might fall flat on my face and bomb it. In doing so, I believe I have missed out on so much. I don't allow opportunites to present themselves because I shun them. I keep to myself, in my comfort circle and stick to my routine because it is familiar and I like familiar.

I'm tired of this.

It's a vicious cycle. I get a passion and urge to pursue something and bam, I'm right back where I started. Being the over analytical person that I almost always am, I refrain from talking about these things as to not seem too "self-centered" to others. Because for some very odd reason, I have this mindset that if I throw up my insignificant problems or issues on you, that automatically makes me "self-centered". How confusing and ridiculous, right? I know, it makes absolutely no sense. I make no sense.

I have issues, but then again, don't we all?

All of this pales in comparison to what so many others are going through, I know. I can't help but feel so blessed to have a steady income, a roof over my head, a wonderful family, incredible, friends and so many other blessings that would be impossible to list. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, yet I do. Not materialistic things, per se. Material is so temporary. My heart breaks at those who live for "things" and to always have the best of the best.

I'm talking about dreams and goals I have penned within the confines of my journals, hidden within my heart of hearts. Things I haven't even shared with others and dreams that are rooted deep within my spirit. Small and big. Should any come to pass, amazing. If not, fine. At least I dream.

My prayer lately is that I would become more reliant upon the Lord than what anyone says or thinks. He is the one who placed these desires within me in the first place.

What have I got to lose?

I knew something smelled strange. For the past few days, after work when I would walk into the house, I could smell something abnormal, something awful. Like that of mold or mildew. Gross. I kept complaining of this to my mom but we could not figure out where it could be coming from.

Until yesterday, that is...

It seems as though our hot water heater has been leaking and finally decided to give out on us yesterday. Oh joy. Half of our great room is soaking wet and we have no hot water, ultimately resulting in cold showers, not being able to run the dishwasher or the washing machine. On top of that, our carpet is soaking wet and our house smells horrible from it. It's amazing how one faulty hot water heater can negatively effect SO many things. Ugh.

It looks as though we will be getting it fixed as it is covered under my Parent's' Home Owner's policy. Of course, they have to pay an enormous out of pocket deductible first. Like anyone has that kind of money right now? What an unfortunate situation.

Of all things.

Other than that, all is well! =)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

More randomosities.

I just finish filing my 2008 tax returns and the number that jumped on the screen notifying me of my return baffled me! I am uber excited!

What to do with this extra lump of cash? Save? Perhaps buy myself what I have been wanting forEVER...a Macbook? Maybe use it for vacationing this summer? Ahhh, the possibilities are endless! I am still in shock. Yay for tax season!

It's freezing today. I'm growing tired of these constant weather changes. My sinuses are not fond of them either. I'm so unbelievably ready for warmer weather. I've already started some of my summer shopping and scored some really great summer tops for amazing prices! My best friend works at an adorable little boutique in our mall and she gives me her 30% disount...she is the greatest!

I am trying to figure out my vacation time for this year. I'm itching to travel! I'm definitely planning on taking off a couple of days in the very near future as both of my co-workers already have. My boss just told me to "let him know". I assure you, I will!

Mardi Gras was a lot of fun! We were among a crazy crowd, I tell you. My sister and I had to walk nearly two miles from our parking spot to where the Gills played. It was a pilgrimage. I got hit in the face and head quite a few times with Mardi Gras beads, of which I hate. My friend, Danielle started a new thing called "Reverse Mardi Gras" and started throwing the beads back. It was hilarious. The show was great, as was the dancing. It was an extremely late night (or early morning) but we had a great time with awesome people!

I love all of my friends. New and old. They bring much joy into my life.

Friday, February 20, 2009


It's Friday! Those words scream "relief" to me at the end of every week. I love Fridays. I live for Fridays. I love the thought of being able to sleep past 5:45am for two days, it brings me much joy.

Tonight I'm going downtown to join in the Mardi Gras festivities. I've never celebrated Mardi Gras before in my life and don't even plan on doing so tonight. However, the Gills are playing and me, being a good friend and faithful attendee to most all of their shows is looking forward to a fun night and a good time with great friends, though it's going to be FREEZING. Downtown Pensacola is right on the bay and the cold wind from the water will be nothing less than chilling. I'm certain that it will still be a good time, as it always is. Better bundle up! They don't even begin playing until 10:00pm. A late, cold night it will be.

I'm very much looking forward to sleeping in as late as I want to tomorrow and hopefully spending some quality time with my mama! We're planning on going to a lovely little Italian restaurant, Petrella's. The prices are fantastic, as well as the food! It's nothing fancy, but adorable and their food is really wonderful. Toasted Ravioli is my absolute good! I love my Mom and I really treasure the times we get to spend together. Sure, she has the ability of driving me insane but above all, I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything in the world. I'm truly blessed. I'm not always the most pleasant daughter either though. I guess every mother/daughter relationship has struggles. I love her dearly and I have no doubt in my mind that she loves me.

Many exciting things are on the horizon. One of my dear, dear friends is due to have her baby in the next couple of weeks! I've known Katie since we were 14 and 15 and we swore to always be "Bosom Friends". (Anne of Green Gables was our favorite movie, in case you were wondering.) I was honored to be a bridesmaid in her wedding last March and her and her husband surprised us all with the news of an expected baby soon after they were married. Katie is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out and she will without a doubt be an amazing mother! I can't wait to meet this new little joy to enter their lives and watch her grow. Katie is the first of my close friends to get married and start a family and it's so exciting to watch and be apart of!

I turn 22 in 3 weeks! That is just so crazy. I just had my birthday, didn't I? I have no idea what I will do for it, but hopefully it will be something fun! I'd love to take a weekend trip to New Orleans with all of my close friends. New Orleans is only 3 hours away from us and the city is truly unique and the shopping is amazing! They also have some of the most amazing antique shops ever. I love antiques. I love anything vintage. I love the old hotels in downtown New Orleans as well as the French Quarter. The culture there is just so interesting to me. After Hurricane Katrina, much of New Orleans was destroyed, but the French Quarter remained in tact and is still such a neat place to visit! Oh and Cafe Du Monde is a must when you visit New Orleans. You will taste the most heavenly Beignets there. Love it. Okay, I'm ready to go to New Orleans now. Anyone care to join me?

I'm SO excited about springtime and beach weather. You really have no idea how excited I am. Usually we start gearing up for beach days mid-march, which is right around the corner! Eeeeek. I've recently started going to the tanning bed (I know, BAD) but only because I'm tired of being so pale and I want to get a nice base tan before I'm on the beach every saturday. Don't be jealous. I'm not bragging, I just live in paradise! :)

Well that's all I've got for now, friends! I hope you all have an incredible weekend filled with lots of fun and RELAXATION!

Much Love.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tapestry of me.

I was not a timid toddler to say the least. Conversation came natural to me and I never met a stranger. I began communicating quite efficiently at the tender age of two. I watch home videos of myself now and am absolutely stunned by my annunciation and word usage. Very impressive.

I was the epitome of "big sister", as in, I always felt the need to sort of lead. Looking back on tapes, I see myself constantly assuring Ashton that she is a "good girl" and using words such as "sweetie" and "honey" as if there is more than the mere 16 months between us. It's actually quite adorable. It's amazing to look back on pictures and old home movies and watch this little person who is essentially, me. Amazing. I remember my childhood extremely well and was always such a happy little girl. I absolutely loved to talk and sing and would entertain anyone and everyone. I was in love with making people laugh and smile.

I would love to travel back in time and revisit those sweet memories. Being little had so many perks. There were no worries or concerns other than when you left your play-dough out by accident and it dried out, or worrying that we'd get caught doing something we knew was wrong. You know, such as sneaking cookie dough, staying up past bedtime giggling, and not being allowed to play with the neighbor girl for some reason that we were not aware of. 'Twas an easy and carefee little life we lived. Oh how things change as you grow.

I'm quite positive that I had the wildest imagination. This may have been due to the fact that I began reading earlier than usual. I was hungry to learn and found delight and pure pleasure in books. I remember how excited I was when I went to Kindergarten and learned that there was a vending machine for books! My heart skipped a beat as I slipped my quarter in to retrieve my first "Clifford, the Big Red Dog" book. From then on, I developed a vast love for books and proceeded to absorb all that I possibly could while reading. I thank for my Mom for passing this down to me.

As I grew older and changed, I became more reserved. A shy-ness creeped in and plastered me with insecurites. I was no longer the "entertainer" and I withheld much. My sister and I actually switched roles. She was the one with hoards of friends and acquaintences while my close circle remained in tact. I sort of kept to myself and was overly sensitive. I cried over the most ridiculous things. I didn't whine, I genuinely shed tears because I was so easily hurt. I look back now and realize how utterly ridiculous I was, but at the time, my tender heart was so fragile that if someone ignored me or said my hair looked funny, I would hide and bawl my little eyes out. Little things would bother me for weeks, even months. I felt as though I had to gain and keep my friends by doing favors for them and even found myself doing their homework at times in order to keep their friendship. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and I did it with a smile on my face. I didn't know how to be tough and I was most definitely NEVER one to tease back, nor was I one to exclude. I hated the thought of hurting someone, as it essentially hurt me.

In 3rd grade, my teacher was a close friend of our family and she did not want to seem as though she was favoring me in any way, that she actually ended up shunning me. I remember coming home on several occasions crying because I was hardly allowed to demonstrate during class and during competitions and contests, I wasn't allowed to win. It was hurtful. Little things like this had a huge effect on me. I over analyzed even as an 8 year old. My brain is just programmed to think much too hard and come up with ridiculous scenarios as to terrify myself into believing the craziest things.

I was an extremely awkward and insecure pre-teen and teen. You really have no idea. It wasn't until I was about 15 that I began to come into myself as I grew and learned how to do my hair and make-up. (Thank God for that!) I can honestly look back on my teen years as being absolutely amazing though there was much heartache to endure. I had a blast and do not feel as though I missed out on anything. I thank God for allowing me to be apart of a church that, though in the end was a huge disappointment and let down, ultimately taught me more than I ever would have dreamed to know. I'm thankful for everything that occured, even the most difficult of situations. God shone through everything and shed light on so many things in my life through it all.

It's amazing how I can see attributes and characteristics that have carried down from my toddler, childhood, preteen and teen years. Of course, it all makes me who I am and I am all of this...
I am talkative and still feel the need to "mother" my siblings.
I am outgoing, silly and love making people smile and laugh.
I am introverted, shy, reserved, insecure and still a people pleaser.
I am sensitive, analytical and secretive, as in I bottle up my emotions easily.
I love to read, write and learn.
I am awkward and crazy.
I am loving, faithful and loyal.
I am learning and growing every single day, with every single situation I undergo and every aspect of life is uniquely beautiful.

My life is like that of a tapestry and though what I may see from below is a mess of colors and string, when turned over is a crisp, clear, colorful picture that screams, me.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I wish had the time to blog like I used to. Actually, I take that back. I still have time; I just don't have the ability to formulate a subject worth writing about after I spend hours and hours in front of a computer in an office all day. My mind turns to mush after so much.

Life is grand. I really do have the best friends a girl could ask for. I absolutely love the fact that I am connecting with so many new people who are absolutely amazing and are undoubtedly making my life so much brighter.

I'm entering a new season and chapter of my life and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. There are so many unanswered questions in the back of my mind about an array of things, important and not so important. God is teaching me to love unconditionally and though it can seem dueling at times, it is what I am called to do above all else.

If I do not love, I am nothing.

It is incomprehensible to me, the fact that there is a vast being and magnificent Creator who loves me unconditionally and longs to love through me. This fascinates me. Unconditional love can be so hard to grasp, but it exists. I am living proof and so are you.

"Songs will fade to silence,
Stories, they will cease.
The dust will settle, covering all my selfless deeds.
So as I strive to serve you,
Won't you make it clear to me,
If I do not love, I am nothing."

If I cannot live my life loving my brother, then how can I love the one who lived his life for me?

I know that this subject has been reiterated on numerous occasions since I started this blog but I feel as though it is a vital lesson and necessary characteristic that I am continually striving to possess.

Keep it real.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Thought I'd share.

I'm not sure if any of you were able to catch the Grammy's on Sunday night or not, but I unfortunately did not. I'm so upset that I missed it. =( We are ghetto and dont have DVR yet, so I suppose I'm forced to watch the performances online.

It was no surprise to me when I learned that Alison Krauss and Robert Plant won various nominations for their album released in 2007, Raising Sand. I have been addicted to the album recently and I most definitely recommend purchasing! If you like a bluesy/pop/folksy/slight rock sound then this is the album for you, my friend! They introduce unlikely, sublime harmonies and the two are simply divine together. Alison Krauss and her seraphic voice mixed with Robert Plant and his ethereal, earthy tone create a most definite classic collection with a timeless sound. Their producer is genius. You don’t have to be a fan of the country, blues or folk genres to appreciate the brilliance of this inspired collaboration. Call me crazy but I'm completely enamored with this music.

You all should know that my taste in music is widely versatile. However it may come as a surprise to you that I thoroughly enjoy bluegrass/folk music. Bluegrass as in, mandolins, banjos, fiddles, violin and all those sweet stringed instruments. I'm enchanted by pure musical talent and luring harmonies. I've always been a fan of Alison Krauss. Her voice is one of perfect pitch and her harmonizing abilities are simply angelic. Love her. Love him. Love the album.

Stick with me Baby is my personal favorite.

Now go listen and tell me what you think! :)

Hope everyone is doing well! I'm off to catch up on all of your blogs!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Oh how He loves us.

Hectic week? Yes.
Exhausted? Most certainly.
Stressed out? To the max.

Yes, work is taking it's toll on me. I'm getting weary of giving the same spiel regarding the decision State Farm has made concerning Florida Homeowners. Yet, i continue to do so with a smile stretched across my face because it is my job and it's so much easier to do with a pleasant attitude. :)

So, enough about all of that.

Today I was contemplating my walk with the Lord. I reached down for my ipod and out of the thousands of songs I possess, I stumbled across one that I had not heard in a long while and one that always has the ability of moving me. He Loves Us by Kim Walker. It is absolutely amazing and talks about the deep love of God, His affection, His jealousy for us, His zeal and passion for us. I've felt so empty lately and have neglected His love for me by ignoring Him. It breaks my heart.

The thing that amazes me so much is that even though I've become so numb to things and so blindsided, I am still moved. Tears still surface my eyes when I think about the sacrifice that was made for me and a heaviness weighs in my heart when I attempt to comprehend a love so vast and so selfless.

This gives me all the hope in the world.

Monday, February 2, 2009

I'm mentally, spiritually and physically exhausted.

I think I just began to realize how tired I was.

I don't know what I want.

Last night an old friend kind of put me in my place. It was good, in a weird way. I know that I needed it. I know that I'm slowly becoming accustomed to things that I should not be. I'm numb.

I know it and I'm not ever going to be a hypocrite again. I've lived behind a facade before and only ended up severely wounding myself.

Not this time.

I'm either hot or I'm cold.

Right now, I'm cold.

Just needed to get that out.