Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I wish man's negative opinions didn't influence me as greatly as they most always do.

I wish I was more motivated to do what I absolutely love to do.

I wish fear didn't strangle and wrap around me the way it consistently does.

I wish I were more open and honest with myself about my dreams and aspirations.

I feel as though I settle too easily. I'm constantly telling myself I could never do this or that and if I try that, I might fall flat on my face and bomb it. In doing so, I believe I have missed out on so much. I don't allow opportunites to present themselves because I shun them. I keep to myself, in my comfort circle and stick to my routine because it is familiar and I like familiar.

I'm tired of this.

It's a vicious cycle. I get a passion and urge to pursue something and bam, I'm right back where I started. Being the over analytical person that I almost always am, I refrain from talking about these things as to not seem too "self-centered" to others. Because for some very odd reason, I have this mindset that if I throw up my insignificant problems or issues on you, that automatically makes me "self-centered". How confusing and ridiculous, right? I know, it makes absolutely no sense. I make no sense.

I have issues, but then again, don't we all?

All of this pales in comparison to what so many others are going through, I know. I can't help but feel so blessed to have a steady income, a roof over my head, a wonderful family, incredible, friends and so many other blessings that would be impossible to list. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, yet I do. Not materialistic things, per se. Material is so temporary. My heart breaks at those who live for "things" and to always have the best of the best.

I'm talking about dreams and goals I have penned within the confines of my journals, hidden within my heart of hearts. Things I haven't even shared with others and dreams that are rooted deep within my spirit. Small and big. Should any come to pass, amazing. If not, fine. At least I dream.

My prayer lately is that I would become more reliant upon the Lord than what anyone says or thinks. He is the one who placed these desires within me in the first place.

What have I got to lose?


Joshua Woods said...

Hi. I came across your blog tonight through a friend's blog and enjoyed reading this entry.

I related to a great deal of this post... specifically where you mentioned 'having no reason to complain' yet still feeling discontent that you have allowed people and circumstances to sidetrack your dreams and passions.

That being said, I just wanted to encourage you as you attempt to place your trust more thoroughly in God and begin to seek dreams, desires and passions. May God be with you and his light shine on all you do.

God’s Peace.

Sarah said...

Amber, I have felt the same way. I still do. I know it can be scary to try and go for a dream, no matter how big or small. I like to think that God placed those dreams in your heart for a reason. To try and carry out those dreams means that you will have to rely on God --BIG TIME. hmm..I think it was intended that way! :)

Anonymous said...

I think of you as a butterfly trapped inside a cocoon. If I could come down to FL and adopt you, I would... I'd break you out of that cocoon and teach you how to fly... You might fall a few times first, but falling is part of learning - and living. If you try to stay sheltered inside your cocoon forever just because you're afraid of falling or messing up or looking silly to others, you're missing out on a heck of a lot...

I'm a very very disorganized person. Sometimes my desk gets so messy that I look at it in such disbelief because I have no idea where to begin or how to go about cleaning it up - where do I start? Eventually, I just dive right in. I reach for something and I just do it...'s the same with everything else in life... That's how you reach your goals and live out your passions. You just do it. You start at something small that makes you happy and you build on it... one road leads to the next, you just have to start walking.

Lindsey said...

I can really relate to this post!!

Shanny said...

I totally "get" what you are saying. I suppose I'm the same when it comes to change and I question every detail of a decision. But I hope that you can find a way to get passed that and follow your dreams. Your issues don't make you self-centered if you talk about it.. it makes you human. And they are important so I'm glad you have this blog to let it out.
What makes me more happy? You having such faith in God, this way you can never go wrong. ((hugs))

RunTX said...

"What have I got to lose?" Wow! When you get to that point that's when God steps in..because the walls that we have built up or have allowed things to build up are finally coming down..As Oral Roberts use to say "God is a good God! and Expect a miracle!" Something good is going to happen to you today!

Jessica said...

I think I'm a few years older than you, and I can definitely relate to what you're saying here. I have dreams that I keep telling myself and others will happen one day, but truth be told, I'm scared, I think, to try working toward them because I don't want to fail. Failure is the scariest thing of all, I much so that it overpowers my fear of always wondering "what if...?".

As I was reading this, Psalm 118:8-9 came to mind. (In NIV.....I don't know how other translations read.) Those verses spoke deeply to me a few years ago.