Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tapestry of me.

I was not a timid toddler to say the least. Conversation came natural to me and I never met a stranger. I began communicating quite efficiently at the tender age of two. I watch home videos of myself now and am absolutely stunned by my annunciation and word usage. Very impressive.

I was the epitome of "big sister", as in, I always felt the need to sort of lead. Looking back on tapes, I see myself constantly assuring Ashton that she is a "good girl" and using words such as "sweetie" and "honey" as if there is more than the mere 16 months between us. It's actually quite adorable. It's amazing to look back on pictures and old home movies and watch this little person who is essentially, me. Amazing. I remember my childhood extremely well and was always such a happy little girl. I absolutely loved to talk and sing and would entertain anyone and everyone. I was in love with making people laugh and smile.

I would love to travel back in time and revisit those sweet memories. Being little had so many perks. There were no worries or concerns other than when you left your play-dough out by accident and it dried out, or worrying that we'd get caught doing something we knew was wrong. You know, such as sneaking cookie dough, staying up past bedtime giggling, and not being allowed to play with the neighbor girl for some reason that we were not aware of. 'Twas an easy and carefee little life we lived. Oh how things change as you grow.

I'm quite positive that I had the wildest imagination. This may have been due to the fact that I began reading earlier than usual. I was hungry to learn and found delight and pure pleasure in books. I remember how excited I was when I went to Kindergarten and learned that there was a vending machine for books! My heart skipped a beat as I slipped my quarter in to retrieve my first "Clifford, the Big Red Dog" book. From then on, I developed a vast love for books and proceeded to absorb all that I possibly could while reading. I thank for my Mom for passing this down to me.

As I grew older and changed, I became more reserved. A shy-ness creeped in and plastered me with insecurites. I was no longer the "entertainer" and I withheld much. My sister and I actually switched roles. She was the one with hoards of friends and acquaintences while my close circle remained in tact. I sort of kept to myself and was overly sensitive. I cried over the most ridiculous things. I didn't whine, I genuinely shed tears because I was so easily hurt. I look back now and realize how utterly ridiculous I was, but at the time, my tender heart was so fragile that if someone ignored me or said my hair looked funny, I would hide and bawl my little eyes out. Little things would bother me for weeks, even months. I felt as though I had to gain and keep my friends by doing favors for them and even found myself doing their homework at times in order to keep their friendship. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and I did it with a smile on my face. I didn't know how to be tough and I was most definitely NEVER one to tease back, nor was I one to exclude. I hated the thought of hurting someone, as it essentially hurt me.

In 3rd grade, my teacher was a close friend of our family and she did not want to seem as though she was favoring me in any way, that she actually ended up shunning me. I remember coming home on several occasions crying because I was hardly allowed to demonstrate during class and during competitions and contests, I wasn't allowed to win. It was hurtful. Little things like this had a huge effect on me. I over analyzed even as an 8 year old. My brain is just programmed to think much too hard and come up with ridiculous scenarios as to terrify myself into believing the craziest things.

I was an extremely awkward and insecure pre-teen and teen. You really have no idea. It wasn't until I was about 15 that I began to come into myself as I grew and learned how to do my hair and make-up. (Thank God for that!) I can honestly look back on my teen years as being absolutely amazing though there was much heartache to endure. I had a blast and do not feel as though I missed out on anything. I thank God for allowing me to be apart of a church that, though in the end was a huge disappointment and let down, ultimately taught me more than I ever would have dreamed to know. I'm thankful for everything that occured, even the most difficult of situations. God shone through everything and shed light on so many things in my life through it all.

It's amazing how I can see attributes and characteristics that have carried down from my toddler, childhood, preteen and teen years. Of course, it all makes me who I am and I am all of this...
I am talkative and still feel the need to "mother" my siblings.
I am outgoing, silly and love making people smile and laugh.
I am introverted, shy, reserved, insecure and still a people pleaser.
I am sensitive, analytical and secretive, as in I bottle up my emotions easily.
I love to read, write and learn.
I am awkward and crazy.
I am loving, faithful and loyal.
I am learning and growing every single day, with every single situation I undergo and every aspect of life is uniquely beautiful.

My life is like that of a tapestry and though what I may see from below is a mess of colors and string, when turned over is a crisp, clear, colorful picture that screams, me.


aMbErDeNaE said...

I love this! I am positive that no one could have written this better, but I love that you have such a grasp of who you are. You are a beautiful gilr! Love that I know you!

xoxo a

Shanny said...

Wow what a great post! The Tapestry of you is a really great and beautiful one. Your old and new characteristics makes you such a strong and admiring woman. All the mess that you see and all the hardship and dissapointment you went through definitely shaped an amazing human being. You should be very very proud of your tapestry!

RunTX said...

Your thought brings to memory
the verse:
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

Lindsey said...

Beautifully written! I love this post!

Danya said...

Amber, Thank you soooo much for your kind words of encouragement! I certainly needed that! I love you so much, you are one of the most beautiful people I know - both inside and out! I loved this post, you too are a beautiful writer! I love you girl!

Jessica said...

I love this post! Self discovery, I think, is one of the most important things we can do. I think it's wonderful that you know yourself and who God has made you to be.

Anonymous said...

Amber, I loved this post! I have had the distinct pleasure of watching you transcend the years of babyhood to toddler, child to adolescent to (gulp) an adult. Nothing has ever been sweeter and more inspiring than to watch you grow and become the beautiful amazing and complex woman that you are.The last 22 years have been the best in my life! I LOVE YOU FOREVER! -Mom

Anonymous said...

Oh and you couldn't play with the neighbor because she had LICE!