Thursday, August 19, 2010

Tapestry.

I was not a timid toddler to say the least. Conversation came natural to me and I never met a stranger. I began communicating quite efficiently at the tender age of two. I watch home videos of myself now and am absolutely stunned by my annunciation and word usage. Quite impressive.

I was the epitome of "big sister", as in, I always felt the need to sort of lead. Looking back on tapes, I see myself constantly assuring Ashton that she is a "good girl" and using words such as "sweetie" and "honey" as if there is more than the mere 16 months between us. It's actually quite adorable. It's amazing to look back on pictures and old home movies and watch this little person who is essentially, me. Amazing. I remember my childhood extremely well and was always such a happy little girl. I absolutely loved to talk and sing and would entertain anyone and everyone. I was in love with making people laugh and smile.

I would love to travel back in time and revisit those sweet memories. Being little had so many perks. There were no worries or concerns other than when you left your play-dough out by accident and it dried out, or worrying that we'd get caught doing something we knew was wrong. You know, such as sneaking cookie dough, staying up past bedtime giggling, and not being allowed to play with the neighbor girl for some reason that we were not aware of. 'Twas an easy and carefee little life we lived. Oh how things change as you grow.

I'm quite positive that I had the wildest imagination. This may have been due to the fact that I began reading earlier than usual. I was hungry to learn and found delight and pure pleasure in books. I remember how excited I was when I went to Kindergarten and learned that there was a vending machine for books! My heart skipped a beat as I slipped my quarter in to retrieve my first "Clifford, the Big Red Dog" book. From then on, I developed a vast love for books and proceeded to absorb all that I possibly could while reading. I thank for my Mom for passing this down to me.

As I grew older and changed, I became more reserved. A shy-ness crept in and plastered me with insecurites. I was no longer the "entertainer" and I withheld much. My sister and I actually switched roles. She was the one with hoards of friends and acquaintences while my close circle remained in tact. I sort of kept to myself and was overly sensitive. I cried over the most ridiculous things. I didn't whine, I genuinely shed tears because I was so easily hurt. I look back now and realize how utterly ridiculous I was, but at the time, my tender heart was so fragile that if someone ignored me or said my hair looked funny, I would hide and bawl my little eyes out. Little things would bother me for weeks, even months. I felt as though I had to gain and keep my friends by doing favors for them and even found myself doing their homework at times in order to maintain their friendship. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and I did it with a smile on my face. I didn't know how to be tough and I was most definitely NEVER one to tease back, nor was I one to exclude. I hated the thought of hurting someone, as it essentially hurt me.

In 3rd grade, my teacher was a close friend of our family and she did not want to seem as though she was favoring me in any way, that she actually ended up shunning me. I remember coming home on several occasions crying because I was hardly allowed to demonstrate during class and during competitions and contests, I wasn't allowed to win. It was hurtful. Little things like this had a huge effect on me. I over analyzed even as an 8 year old. My brain is just programmed to think much too hard and come up with ridiculous scenarios as to terrify myself into believing the craziest things.

I was an extremely awkward and insecure pre-teen and teen. You really have no idea. It wasn't until I was about 15 that I began to come into myself as I grew and learned how to do my hair and make-up. (Thank God for that!) I can honestly look back on my teen years as being absolutely amazing though there was much heartache to endure. I had a blast and do not feel as though I missed out on anything. I thank God for allowing me to be apart of a church that, though in the end was a huge disappointment and let down, ultimately taught me more than I ever would have dreamed to know. I'm thankful for everything that occured, even the most difficult of situations. God shone through everything and shed light on so many things in my life through it all.

It's amazing how I can see attributes and characteristics that have carried down from my toddler, childhood, preteen and teen years. Of course, it all makes me who I am and I am all of this...

I am talkative and still feel the need to "mother" my siblings.
I am outgoing, silly and love making people smile and laugh.
I am introverted, shy, reserved, insecure and still a people pleaser.
I am sensitive, analytical and secretive, as in I bottle up my emotions easily.
I love to read, write and learn.
I am awkward and crazy, even weird.
I am loving, faithful and loyal.
I am learning and growing every single day, with every single situation I undergo and every aspect of life is uniquely beautiful.

I'm in love with a man who knows and loves all of my quirks. Ben has stood by me through some of the most difficult times and I can honestly say that I don't even know if I could have put up with me through it all. He's so patient with me and though my setbacks can put a strain on things at times, he is always more than willing to listen to me and let me soak his shoulder, if need be. I am blessed to have a relationship where I can be myself at all times. I never feel as though I have to mask anything. I can say weird things and ask ridiculous questions without feeling as though I may cause him not to like me anymore. I'm secure in his love and affection for me and even though I may not be the best at conveying my feelings, they are there and they are very real.

My life is like that of a tapestry and though what I may see from below is a mess of colors and string, when turned over is a crisp, clear, colorful picture that essentially screams, me.

I am blessed.

4 comments:

Crazy Shenanigans said...

You always write such beautiful posts!

Shanny said...

Looking back to see where and what you come from really puts things in a different light. I can only imagine little you trying to mother your sister who was probably almost the same size at that point, awwww it makes me smile. Its great to see how your characteristics have changed and stay the same over the years, loved this post!

suzy said...

we're scary similar...
wonderful post. :)

A Moms Perspective said...

Beautiful! You are an amazing, complex, beautiful,thoughtful, loving and creative woman! I'm so blessed to be your Mom! I've loved you and seen the beauty in all your precious stages! You are one of the great loves of my life and I am forever proud of you and so amazed by your accomplishments and your depth and strength of character! Love forever-Mom <3