Sunday, September 28, 2008

Me.

My stubbornness weakens me. It’s a mere act and an unyielding behavior in which I think I win when in all actuality I lose to myself in the end. I can’t stay mad for very long or it eats at me continually.

I smile sweetly when I’m sad and stare blankly when I’m hurt. Pain has the opposite effect on me, it makes me stronger rather than weak. When annoyed, please don’t continually do that which you were doing just to "test" me.

I’ve held grudges and found that it only negatively influences everything I feel toward that person and it magnifies the simplest of things. It’s rather immature and it’s only a game of "revenge" in which you never win. Love always wins.

If you steal my pillow when I’m sleeping the consequences may be brutal ;).

I truly do love helping people, I am compassionate and my emotions often overrule me. My confidence is often an act, hiding the insecurities I bear secretly. I’m not perfect, never have been, never will be. I’m simply human and I’ve tried to be perfect, doesn’t work out so well because when you fail you’re much harder on yourself. I don’t judge you, that’s not my place. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, I often hide my emotions and mask what I’m truly feeling.

If I tell you something in confidence and you break it, that might be the last time. I don’t trust easily and if you break my trust, then it’s hard to regain. Don’t lie to me because it hurts me, it makes me feel unimportant or that I’m someone you have to prove something to. If I catch you lying, I won’t say anything until I can’t handle it anymore, I hate embarrassing people. I’m probably the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet, I can’t stand making someone feel bad even when it is necessary, I avoid it for as long as I can.

Sometimes I need space, aloneness. I only like being alone when I feel safe. I don’t enter relationships easily. I don’t know why. I guess I have this fear of being used or it being "superficial". I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than get married and not be in love.

Sometimes I just want you to listen to me. Advice is optional but appreciated at the same time. I over think and overanalyze pretty much everything, I annoy myself. When I look in the mirror I see flaws, what girl doesn’t? I’m told that my beauty is found within and yeah, I believe it, sometimes. It makes sense.

I’ve been a victim of compromise and I despise it. I’m comfortable with familiarity, I don’t like change too much but something is always changing, so I’ve forced myself to adapt. When I say I’ll do something, I will do it, no doubt. I create safe havens for myself, I don’t normally go beyond them.

I try to find humor in everything and I laugh at the most horrible and inappropriate times. I would say I’m an optimist with a pessimistic point of view. I always try to see the positive but I don’t live in a fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens. I guess you could say I'm a realist. I take life as it comes, I don’t really plan ahead much, I like to be sporadic.

Although most people think I’m the organized type, my closet may be color coordinated but my shoes are thrown all over the bottom of my closet. Your assumptions may be precise but I will purposely surprise you and make you think otherwise.

I cry by myself and laugh with my hand over my mouth. My emotions may get the best of me inside but I won’t let you see that. I’m impatient. When I want something, I don’t want to wait. I wish I were more calm and serene and then sometimes I wish I were crazy, fun, and really outgoing. I guess I’m a mix somewhere in between.

There’s probably something about you that I wish I had. I’m always comparing myself yet I’m satisfied with who I am. I’m weird, complicated and hard to read. I will challenge you. Don’t think you can understand me.

I’m really not high maintenance. I bargain shop, wear cheap jewelry and it takes me about 30 min to get ready.

I work but I have a life outside of it, I am not an over-achiever. I like to have fun, I like to relax and I like to take naps.

I’ve forgiven those who’ve caused deep wounds but I’ll always carry those scars. I won’t take you for granted, if you’ve marked my life you’ll always hold a special place in my heart and I thank you for the impression you’ve made.

Writing is an escape as well as music. I basically couldn’t live without them.

I love my family more than anyone. They’re loud, crazy and sometimes annoying but I’d die for them in a heartbeat if I needed to.

I’m content where I am but I always want to go further.

I like adventure but not alone. I miss being 15 without a care in the world and the highlight of my life was summer, beach days, swimming at the dock, laying on the roof under the stars, practically living at the Boren’s and the Prips’, weekend movies, sleepovers, moondance, shopping with no money, youth camp, making stupid home videos, and the list goes on and on and on. I love reminiscing. I’m very sentimental and I keep everything! If an M&M bag holds a memory of something, you’ve bet I’ve still got it, it’s pathetic. I have a hard time getting rid of things that meant a lot or that hold a special memory.

I’m me, wonderfully complex and perfectly quirky and I’m happy with who I am, oddly.

8 comments:

Mitzy said...

Wow!.. That was really good!

I especially like the part..
I’m really not high maintenance. I bargain shop, wear cheap jewelry and it takes me about 30 min to get ready.

You and I would get along beautiful!.. I LOVE bargins, and I can get ready in just under 30 mins!!.. Of course I have 3 boys, I dont have time to primp too much!..LOL

Sarah said...

I love the fact that you know exactly who you are and are open to sharing that with us. I like that you can't be summed up in one sentence! ;)

aMbErDeNaE said...

haha, don't we all wish we were fifteen! I swear I still have more in common with my fourteen year old sister than some of my life long friends! I feel as though I should copy and paste basically this whole post into my blog and title it.."Me Too":) You have such a sweet, beautiful soul! Take pride in the fact that you have such a grasp on who you are! I am learning this myself. It's amazing how as soon as you accept life as it is, you suddenly do become that calm/serene, crazy/outgoing fun girl at all the right moments! It's all a balancing act, and one we certainly don't have to have all figured out in our early 20's!:) Another inspiring read love!

xoxo a

truthobjective said...

Hey, it's Mark--we talk sometimes on MSN. Just wanted to say that your post was fantastic. :) I really enjoy reading what you have to say b/c it's very well put and expressed intelligently. Keep it up! :)

Ophelia said...

Good post. Very well written! I'm impressed :)

Most people use confidence as a shield to hide their discomfort or insecurities. You have to understand that people love you for who you are and no one expects you to be perfect. You don't need to be confident in every aspect of your life, no one is. I would rather be taught than pretend I already know.

You should have all the confidence in the world in yourself. You rock! ;)

Andrea said...

Well written!

We're all complex creatures, aren't we? Just today, I feel tired, frustrated, and fearful of my future. On top of that, I have little faith and feel as though I'm far away from God. I hate feeling this way yet my heart tells me this is temporary and I just need to persevere.

Elizabeth said...

Wow..
I love how you word things. Especially in this post. I really wish I had this much knowledge about myself by now! You do all the things the rest of us do (work, friends, family, church etc.) yet you still found the time to really get to know WHO Amber is. That's just really amazing to me.
If more of us knew more about ourselves (similar to the ways you expressed) can you imagine how our relationships would benefit, our jobs, the decisions we make on a daily basis, etc etc etc?
It seems so simple, but that's one of peoples biggest problems in life. We have no idea who in the world we are!
This post makes me feel challenged to look a little deeper within myself and really get to know ME. Elizabeth. And I'm sure others will agree.

thank u.
:)

Ashley said...

girl you are AMAZING and i love you so much!! I can't wait to go on the cruise!!!! yaaay!!!