Thursday, December 18, 2008

Confused.

Lately I feel dry, withered, wearisome, reserved and all of those other words that are synonymous.

I've gone through "dry spells" before but I believe this has been a record long state in which I have lingered. I'm not satisfied in Him anymore, nor do I feel a sense of purpose or direction. It's almost as if a haze has settled, completely blurring everything which is in front of me and I'm blindly gliding.

No aspiration or motivation.

Obviously, this is not something that I haven't experience before, nor is it something uncommon to go through. However, it gets old and it hinders. It hinders my relationship with God, family, friends and it makes me complacent. That word that I loathe so much, yet have sucuumbed to without much hesitancy.

Self satisfied. Not something I am proud of. Not something I wish to be.

I'm aware that my not being involved in a church or "body of believers" has most likely contributed to this feeling ultimately leading to me being disconnected. I feel completely disconnected, yet I am "okay" with it. I am not okay with being okay about that.

I recently wrote a post about change. My feelings toward it, my opposition and dislike toward it, yet somehow I think that some change could be just what I need. I say this with much reluctance.

I have no idea what that entails. I have not the slightest clue as to where I should begin. I just feel really far and I don't like it.

I don't know if God stopped speaking or if I just stopped listening.

2 comments:

Andrea said...

Thank you for being so unbelievably honest here. I admire that more than perfection or someone who "appears" to go through life without trials and tribulations. I really do.

We all go through this at one point or another. It's part of our walk. This is the time where we have to be completely honest with God and tell him how we feel. He hears, He listens and He acts on his time.

Praying for you, girl!

mrs.leah.maria said...

I'll echo off of Andrea.

Acknowledging where you're at and how your feeling means you're already on your way to where you should be!