Change is happening all around me. For one who is not fond of change, it sure is frequent.
I never do good during change. I find myself grasping every tiny bit of familiarity that I can cling to. In my mind I refuse to accept reality and pretend that it will all be the same, always. No matter how much I liked or disliked certain aspects of something, I was comfortable with that stability, even when unstable. Does that even make sense?
It's like clockwork. Every year something drastically changes in our lives. Every.single.year. Not the type of change that you adjust to quite comfortably and quickly. Really big changes. Whether it be exciting or completely devastating. I'm aware that life is always, always changing and it's all about moving on, adapting, searching and striving to do more and be more but is it wrong to want to just stay right where you are?
Maybe I get too comfortable. That could be my problem. I get much too comfortable with things I don't even necessarily like sometimes. I like routine. I get stuck in a rut and I'm okay with it. Not good, my friends.
So, I am completely unaware of what might possibly unfold over the next few months but things could definitely be changing drastically (as if they weren't already). I've known for some time the probablity of my Dad inheriting an agency in Knoxville, TN and while I know it would be an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity that he has worked so hard for, I can't help but shove it far into the back of my mind and dismiss it as a silly "perhaps".
"As if we'd actually leave Pensacola."
We've attempted to leave numerous times, putting our house on the market, making plans, home shopping to actually moving to another state for a mere 6 months to realize that we were definitely NOT supposed to be there. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. However, we had purchased a home there, attempted to settle there and all the while our home of 8 years sat empty and unsold of which we only dreamt of moving back into. The day we moved back into our home in Pensacola was one of the happiest days of my life. You have no idea. As crazy as it seems, the home we had moved into for those 6 months of being out of Pensacola was a dreamhouse, ginormous, gorgeous, it was like something out of a magazine. It was an amazing house. It had everything my mom ever wanted in a kitchen, an elevator, endless amounts of space and storage- it was simply divine. However, it was not home. Our hearts were not there. We were so very unhappy. The house could not make us happy nor could it give us what we wanted. I feel like I spent that year of my life packing and unpacking as we had done it 4 times over the course fo 6 months. However, when we heard the news that we were moving back home-back into our house, I couldn't wait to get packing! My heart was in Pensacola and I couldn't wait for us to be reunited!
Now, if you saw where I lived you might laugh at me. It's not a huge town. It's not all that glamorous. It's just a regular sized town down along the gulf coast. I will admit that we do have the most beautiful beaches in the U.S. No doubt. Sugar white sand and blue/green water make up our beaches. I've spent many sweet summers along these beaches. I know where all the hot spots are, good little hole in the wall restaurants are and how to get practically anywhere and everywhere. I could find my way around this town with my eyes closed. I love it here, really and truly. And though we've gone through an innumerable amount of changes, disappointments and heartaches here, it is still my home.
I'm desperately trying to imagine moving on and starting fresh and new but each and every time I do, that hard lump appears in my throat and tears begin to surface reminding me that it will be extremely difficult. I want to be excited, I really do.
I, of course have the option of staying here but honestly the only thing I would be staying for would be my job, which I really do love. But again, I think it may be a comfort thing. I can't imagine my family leaving me. I know I'm a big girl and all but I'm close with them and as annoying as they can be at times, I just can't imagine it.
It would be one thing if I were the one moving away from home because I would always have the comfort of coming back home, you know?
I'm rambling, I know.
I just needed to vent a little. I'm a professional at bottling up and being introverted and sometimes writing is the perfect outlet for such.