Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm not a chameleon, yet I have to be.

Change is happening all around me. For one who is not fond of change, it sure is frequent.

I never do good during change. I find myself grasping every tiny bit of familiarity that I can cling to. In my mind I refuse to accept reality and pretend that it will all be the same, always. No matter how much I liked or disliked certain aspects of something, I was comfortable with that stability, even when unstable. Does that even make sense?

It's like clockwork. Every year something drastically changes in our lives. Every.single.year. Not the type of change that you adjust to quite comfortably and quickly. Really big changes. Whether it be exciting or completely devastating. I'm aware that life is always, always changing and it's all about moving on, adapting, searching and striving to do more and be more but is it wrong to want to just stay right where you are?

Maybe I get too comfortable. That could be my problem. I get much too comfortable with things I don't even necessarily like sometimes. I like routine. I get stuck in a rut and I'm okay with it. Not good, my friends.

So, I am completely unaware of what might possibly unfold over the next few months but things could definitely be changing drastically (as if they weren't already). I've known for some time the probablity of my Dad inheriting an agency in Knoxville, TN and while I know it would be an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity that he has worked so hard for, I can't help but shove it far into the back of my mind and dismiss it as a silly "perhaps".

"As if we'd actually leave Pensacola."

We've attempted to leave numerous times, putting our house on the market, making plans, home shopping to actually moving to another state for a mere 6 months to realize that we were definitely NOT supposed to be there. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. However, we had purchased a home there, attempted to settle there and all the while our home of 8 years sat empty and unsold of which we only dreamt of moving back into. The day we moved back into our home in Pensacola was one of the happiest days of my life. You have no idea. As crazy as it seems, the home we had moved into for those 6 months of being out of Pensacola was a dreamhouse, ginormous, gorgeous, it was like something out of a magazine. It was an amazing house. It had everything my mom ever wanted in a kitchen, an elevator, endless amounts of space and storage- it was simply divine. However, it was not home. Our hearts were not there. We were so very unhappy. The house could not make us happy nor could it give us what we wanted. I feel like I spent that year of my life packing and unpacking as we had done it 4 times over the course fo 6 months. However, when we heard the news that we were moving back home-back into our house, I couldn't wait to get packing! My heart was in Pensacola and I couldn't wait for us to be reunited!

Now, if you saw where I lived you might laugh at me. It's not a huge town. It's not all that glamorous. It's just a regular sized town down along the gulf coast. I will admit that we do have the most beautiful beaches in the U.S. No doubt. Sugar white sand and blue/green water make up our beaches. I've spent many sweet summers along these beaches. I know where all the hot spots are, good little hole in the wall restaurants are and how to get practically anywhere and everywhere. I could find my way around this town with my eyes closed. I love it here, really and truly. And though we've gone through an innumerable amount of changes, disappointments and heartaches here, it is still my home.

I'm desperately trying to imagine moving on and starting fresh and new but each and every time I do, that hard lump appears in my throat and tears begin to surface reminding me that it will be extremely difficult. I want to be excited, I really do.

I, of course have the option of staying here but honestly the only thing I would be staying for would be my job, which I really do love. But again, I think it may be a comfort thing. I can't imagine my family leaving me. I know I'm a big girl and all but I'm close with them and as annoying as they can be at times, I just can't imagine it.

It would be one thing if I were the one moving away from home because I would always have the comfort of coming back home, you know?

I'm rambling, I know.

I just needed to vent a little. I'm a professional at bottling up and being introverted and sometimes writing is the perfect outlet for such.

6 comments:

Jessica said...

Oh, I hear you loud and clear. Change and I have become necessary friends, though our relationship has had many low points. I've never liked changing anything about my life, no matter how awkward or difficult the past was, because though uncomfortable, at least it was FAMILIAR. It was KNOWN. It wasn't mysterious like the future tends to be.

I have to say, though, that God has grown me so much through those times of change, and I'm grateful for every second of strife I experienced there. It's never easy, but when God takes me somewhere new, He never fails to blow my mind.

Pray about it. If you feel like you're supposed to go with your parents to Tennessee, God has something amazing for you there. If you feel like you're supposed to stay behind in Pensacola, God has something amazing for you there. It almost certainly won't be an easy adjustment whichever way He has you go, but it will be good in the end. He'll work it all together for good for you. He will.

Think of this not as a change, but as an opportunity. That's what I've had to do so many times. Changing the way you look at it makes it better sometimes.

Keep us posted, and I'm praying for peace for you.

Jessica said...

Sorry.....I didn't mean to sound like I was lecturing you. This is just something I can relate to all too well. =/

AmberDenae said...

Jessica,

I can tell you've been in my shoes. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that! It means a lot.

"Think of this not as a change, but as an opportunity. That's what I've had to do so many times. Changing the way you look at it makes it better sometimes." SO TRUE!

Thank you!

P.S. I did not think you were lecturing me AT ALL! You wrote a lot of really great things and I appreciate it!

Vicki said...

A move! Well, at least Tennessee is not as far away as Arizona is from Tampa, Florida!

When we moved out here, it was very hard. My hubby and kids were ok at first but that 1st year here was unbelievably H A R D. They were pretty unforgiving. I was trying to make a life out here for us.
They started to resent my family. We all came out here. anyway.
We were trying to get settled, I was taking 3 classes trying to get going on my nursing Pre req. courses and they were unsupportive ~ just wanting to go home. whining. etc.
Well, we have persevered and now it is 3 1/2 yrs later.
1. I start nursing school next month
2. The kids are liking their school and good things are happening for them.
3. Hubby appears to be ok. there are things about Arizona that he really likes.
YES we ALL still miss Florida something terrible, but we can see that there were good things that DID happen out here for us ~ if we had stayed there.....Things would have changed. Too many things would have been different and who knows what we would be doing today?

I like to say that, no one wins the what if.... game.

Yes, we can always go back, but not until my nursing school is complete.
A very good and dear friend told me. Once your kids get settled and make friends, they will not want to leave (Arizona)
Well, we can see that there have been MANY good things to come from our moving out here......
We are happy. We know that "this is not our home"
But temporarily we are living in Tucson and we will be content... for now. Only 2 more years to go!
:o)
OK ~ I did want for my children to have the experience of moving and living somewhere else besides fla... but I only wanted that for them to enrich them and give them a good life experience.

Alright.. you see that I could go on and on and on.......

Life is a choice. God is ALWAYS in control. He has totally blessed us in lots of ways. We are thankful and know he will take care of us. We will have what we are supposed to have!
Love ya!!

Sarah said...

Change is so unbelievably hard at times. There are moments when you feel scared and uncertain of what lies ahead. But know this, friend. You aren't going through this alone, and what is meant to be, will be. God has huge plans for you!!

Andrea said...

Hey hon,
Just wanted to let you know that I'm catching up on my blogs today and am still reading yours!

I could have written this post. I haven't divulged much on my blog, but I sense a huge change in my life soon and I'm really on edge as well.

I'm trying to see it as a test of faith and I want to do do well! I'll be praying for you and I both!