Friday, October 9, 2009

Mi corazon deseos...

For those of you who are not aware, I was apart of a Spanish Church for a year and a half back in 2007. It was a life changing and definite growing experience for me. I was stretched in almost every way possible and a huge love and stirring desire was planted inside of me for the Hispanic people and nations. I learned about their culture, their language and their hearts. I was honored to be apart of a worship team and sing in their most beautiful tongue and worship the Lord with a new song, literally! I was honored to help out with the youth group and love on and mentor young girls who were undergoing some very difficult home situations. It was so eye opening.

Amongst all of these things, I also served as an assistant to the Pastor and learned so much in doing so. I accompanied her on various trips and even got to go to Mexico with her. It was a truly amazing and humbling experience.

I've actually experienced quite a bit in my short lifespan. I've been apart of many different ministries and internships as well as worship teams and Bible colleges. I guess you could say I just got burnt out.

I'm finding myself in a very strange place as of late- with all of these abrupt changes taking place and my future very much hazy and distorted, I am so confused as to what I should do or where I should go. My heart desires so much, yet my mind stays busy reasoning and analyzing thus drowning my dreams and heart's desires.

What makes me happy? What gives me purpose? What brings me alive?

Worship. Music. People. Singing. Ministry. Culture. Nations...

I miss these things in my life. It's no wonder I feel such a void inside of me. I am doing absolutely nothing that makes me feel alive. I'm simply existing and working to live. I want more than anything to take a blind leap of faith and go out on a limb to experience the divine grace and provision of my merciful Father but I am just so scared to do so.

I can be this honest here, right?

I have so much ahead of me. These are my dream years. I don't want them stolen from me simply because I was too comfortable.

Stability brings me comfort. I'm not a fan of change and I'm terrified of the unknown.

I want to be as free as some people I know. You could say I'm a faithful person but really, do I have the faith to do let go of things that I've known all of my life or things that keep me financially stable and comfortable? I admire those who do and I only hope to get to that point.

Lord, help me trust you more. Ashamedly, I haven't given you the trust and faith that you so deserve.

SeƱor, cambia mi corazon. Abre mis ojos y oidos. Eres siempre fiel y digno de mi vida.


OceanDreams said...

I am sure that God will lead you to more activities and people who make you feel alive. I used to be heavily involved in choir and music too so I understand where you are coming from. Now I work full time and have a small group, but I really miss music! I just don't have time to commit because I am taking classes and trying to figure out my career on the side as well. You made the right start by surrending, I am sure the rest will fall into place. Each season of our lives calls for something new and I am sure it will work out. :)

oneheart-twohands said...

I admire all that you have done already! I would love to live some of the experiences you have. As you get older, it is hard to do the things you really love when you have the normal responsibilities of, bills, etc. I am going through a time in my life where I have to make decisions regarding going back to school and work, but then I wonder if I really want to do that or if I meant to do other things. It's just hard to make these big decisions when you don't know what you are meant to do or what you really want to do! I have to think about what I truly want and why I want them. I know everything will work out for you. You have already done so much and I know God is going to give you so many more amazing opportunities in your life. Oh, and thank you so much for your sweet comments. I really loved your answer today! I always enjoy hearing what you have to say. You're a very insightful, caring girl and I'm lucky to have you as a friend. :)

A Moms Perspective said...

to quote you....

"What makes me happy? What gives me purpose? What brings me alive?

Worship. Music. People. Singing. Ministry. Culture. Nations..."

I think you know where you will find all those thing PLUS ME! :D