Monday, May 24, 2010

what a week. what a lesson.

Glorious. Crazy. Chaotic. Stressful. Fun. Hot. Expensive. Crazy. Amazing. Sad. Disheartening. Lonely. Peaceful. Relaxing.

These words pretty much sum up my week/weekend.

From having my family here, accommodating everyone, taking people where they needed to be taken, Hannah's graduation, being with loved ones, my car breaking down and costing me an INSANE amount of money to fix it, going to the beach and my little cousins getting caught in a rip tide at the beach thus forcing a lifeguard rescue to saying goodbye to my dear family, making a very difficult and heartbreaking decision yesterday that most do not or will not understand and feeling so saddened and lonely. Yes, you could say it has been a crazy week/weekend.
What a whirlwind of emotions I have gone through in a matter of only a few days. So goes life.

I have SO many pictures that I will share at a later time but right now, I just don't have the time.

My heart feels a little lighter today. It was most heavy yesterday. I had to make a very tough choice on Sunday. One that broke my heart, yet was most likely the prevention of shattering it. I'm simply too fragile. People don't understand. My heart would not have been able to handle it. And as much as I would've loved to have been there, I knew it would only pain me more and cut me deeper. So, after many tears were shed and discussions were had with the most important people in my life. People who know me and love me influenced me to make the decision that I did. I'm much too sensitive. Selfish? I would like to think not, but possibly? I was definitely thinking of how much my heart would hurt and what others might think, say and/or do and yes, this influenced my decision. You may call it selfish. I like to think it was being cautious. Nonetheless, I did what I had to do. What my gut was telling me to do.

I'm at peace with the decision I made. Really and truly.

I was going through one of my beloved old journals last night and came across a beautiful sermon/lesson I had heard years ago. I was about 16. It was one that I NEVER forgot as it spoke volumes to me. It was entitled "Turning Lonliness into Aloneness" and Jeanne Mayo was the one who had written it.

One paragraph that stood out to me was...

"Loneliness is that aching, depressing emotion of isolation, but aloneness is a positive experience. Loneliness is depressing, demotivational, self-centered, spiritually debilitating, and takes no emotional energy to create. Aloneness is peaceful, motivational, other-centered, spiritually positive, and takes a choice of my will to create. The two most important words in step three are, "I choose." Far too many of us are content with shallow levels of intimacy with the Lord because we allow loneliness to cripple us rather than choosing to press through the depression and neutrality. It takes work to meditate on the Scriptures when you have no emotional energy. It takes work to control negative self-talk when feeling sorry for yourself is so easy. Those choices genuinely convert loneliness into aloneness allowing it to become a platform for deepened, authentic intimacy with the Lord."

She also quotes the Velveteen Rabbit (which is one of my favorite children's books ever).

"Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and are very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all because once you are real, you can’t ever be ugly, except to people who don’t really understand."

Love it. Love everything about it. In a world of facades, I so desire to be real. And I know that this comes through true aloneness and intimacy with my Savior.

A lesson I'll likely never stop learning.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.


Crazy Shenanigans said...

Whatever decision you made, I hope everything is ok and works out!

Shayla said...

I so needed to read this!!!!

Thank You so much!!!

I have no idea what decision you made, but I'm proud of you for working through it emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I'm sure you did what was best :)

Thank you for the comment you left. It was so sweet and supportive!!!

OceanDreams said...

This was such a refreshing post love, I love your honesty and vulnerability, thank you for that! I can completely understand your fragile heart, and let me tell you that there is nothing wrong about it! I too am sensitive, get affected easily, and can totally relate with feeling alone and the quote you posted. Being a sensitive and caring person only makes you stronger! I've been feeling really down lately, but I believe in what this quote said. We have to make the effort to truly trust in God and let Him satisfy us. If you feel peace for your decision, then that is what you have to do. Hang in there love and continue to look to the light, God is there for you. XO.

A Moms Perspective said...

Honey, I love this post because it shows your spiritual maturity but at the same time it broke my heart because I know how painful this whole situation has been for you. Yessterday in Chapel the message was "Bending without breaking." Let God and situations bend you more in humility to him If you bend (on your knee's) under the pressure you will not break. Remember Grandma's poem the Oak and the Willow? Please go back and read it. I think it will bless you :) I know that every great man or woman of God has had to endure great heartache and testing and it's only throught the pain of rejection, aloneness and desperation are we really conformed into his image. I know you will emerge stronger, wiser, sweeter
(remember a grape is much sweeter after it emerges from the winepress and is much more valuable) and much more mature, although a little scarred, but remember those who wrestle with God always are marked by a limp (Jacob) or a scar. Scars are beautiful because they show that you have endured and Healed. So my prayer is tht you will not remain wounded but healed and you will carry a scar but it will be beautiful for you are marked by God. I love you and keep you close in my heart and in my prayers!
Love forever-Mom

alyssa said...

i hope your week is getting better sweetie!