2 days.

In 2 days, I'll be on my way to Charlotte, North Carolina!!!

Ben and I are driving up there for my birthday and will be there for an entire week! I can't even tell you the excitement, anticipation and joy that my heart holds. I'm about to explode.

I can't wait to be with my family. I just simply cannot wait.

It's going to be a tremendous week, indeed.

My birthday is this Tuesday and my dear family has already planned all sorts of festivities. So sweet.

I can't wait until Saturday! We're leaving early and stopping in Atlanta to spend time with my friend, Beth and go to H&M. I've never been to an H&M and Ben insists that I experience it.

So many exciting things that this next week holds. I get a whole week off of work, I get to spend time with the people who mean the most to me, birthday celebrations, shopping, city life, mama's cooking, thrifting, game nights, etc.

So excited. I am so blessed to have been given this time off of work!

Oh and not to mention- Spring has Sprung! The weather here is absolutely perfect today. Thank you Lord for blue skies, birdsongs, sunshine and warm breezes. Perfect. I'm in love. This is such a refreshing time of year, especially after the unusually frigid winter we experienced this year- even in the south.

So thankful.

To celebrate spring, I did just a little shopping and in doing so purchased this dress.

I also spent nearly an hour curling my hair- we went out to a fancy schmancy place for my friend, Katie's birthday. 4 couples. Date night. Dressed up. Such fun. I hardly ever fix my hair. EVER. I'm lazy. I just let it air dry and be wavy 99.9% of the time. So, when I take the time to fix it, its a big deal!

My dear and I at my friend, Katie's birthday dinner on Saturday night. :)

Now, I need to get to work. It's extremely hard to focus on work right now. My mind is already starting to get into "vacation mode". Focus, focus, focus.

Much love!

Beauty in the Broken.

Broken, shattered I've become. I've come to realize that, that is in fact what I need to always be. I don't have to be perfect and put together all the time. He loves me the way that I am and He made my imperfections- to Him they are beauty. The moment I begin trying to impress others in my human-ness and hiding that which he created me to be, is when my beauty fades. My beauty is in my brokenness. Humility is what He desires to clothe me in, for He is humble in spirit and we are to imitate His character. My prayer is that I would remain broken, beautifully broken and so wonderfully imperfect because that is when He takes over and uses me in my inadequacies. I am overwhelmed and so at peace with His methods. They may not always be the easiest but they are the truest and most defining.

Somehow, uniquely, God desires to use those difficult moments of our lives to bring forth something extraordinarily beautiful. Even the natural creation attests to this truth. In fall, we marvel at the gorgeous, lush and burnished orange, brilliant red, and bright yellow leaves, even as that beauty belies the slow and gradual death of those leaves. Winter buries those leaves under the cold, dark blanket of snow and frost. And yet, death brings forth life. Spring bursts forth year after year with jonquils, iris, lilies, and all the beautiful pastels of new life.

During a time of deep despair and suffering, King David wondered about God's ability to be present in his dark places-to bring about beautiful redemption in the midst of brokenness. He cried out to God, "Will your lovingkindness be declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Abaddon? Will your wonders be made known in the darkness? And your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?" (Psalm 88:11-12). David wondered about God's work in his life-had he been abandoned? Was God still guiding him even in the deepest, darkest places of brokenness and fear? And even in those places seemingly forgotten, would God continue to make things right? David struggled to see how beauty could emerge out of brokenness. And yet, he later affirmed in Psalm 139, "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there... if I say, 'surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."

It is in those dark places of brokenness and suffering that God brings forth luminous light so that even the dark is illuminated.

Thank you Lord for breaking me, even when it hurts and even when I oppose.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise. -Psalm 51:17

Necessary.

*This is something I wrote last year but really pertains to my current state and situation that I figured I would add to it and repost it.*

Don't we all wish to dodge and escape the bruising and bitter obstacles that life constantly throws our way? I've yet to meet anyone who seeks pain or who enjoys pain. Pain causes us to react in ways in which we never thought capable. Pain has the ability of surfacing what it is that is truly inside of us. Despite its unpleasantness and tang, pain is an important part of the existence of humans. Pain is healthy. It inevitably makes us stronger. It assures us that we're alive and it arouses our senses.

Our lives are too difficult, too easy- a paradox of crippling proportions. We're often bombarded with unfortunate circumstances that inflict a deep sense of dissatisfaction and simultaneously crush our spirits. Whether or not it pertains to our personal lives, spirtual lives, financial lives, or family lives etc. As human beings, it is impossible for us to completely avoid grief.

To forsake the painful necessary is to embrace a deadly pleasure. What I mean by that statement is this- Pain and grief are vital for our growth and maturity. If we very well shun that which is causing us to thrive, grow and progress then we will do just the opposite. It is imperative to accept the fact that there will be situations that will cause you great agony but just as important to remember that momentary afflictions do not ultimately have the ability of defeating you. You determine.

Basically, if all you ever had was good, how would you know what was bad? Without the lows, you have no way of knowing and appreciating the highs.

Life is brought forth through immense pain and agony. The perfect example for me to give in this case would obviously be birth. We all know that labor during childbirth is extremely painful and uncomfortable, almost unbearable. (I realize that I have not experienced this first-handedly but we all know it's truth and fact) It's somewhat complex but it's evident that through pain, life is brought forth.

You will find that the way out of the pain is through it.

There is really no easy way out. Quite often, we seek an escape route and in the end it tends to only cause us more grief. In times of great turmoil, it's natural to want out but there is a process that must not be aborted. Time is the essence of what will spring forth from your hour of utter darkness and suffering.

I have to focus on the positives in my life- I am dating the love of my life and he is a rock and treats me better than I deserve to be treated. I have a large, loving, supportive and amazing family who stands by me, counsels me and encourages me. I am blessed with an amazing job with amazing benefits. I have loving friends and though most of them live in other parts of the US, they are always there and are always willing and able to talk. I am blessed. God has blessed me immensely and shown me love and grace like I've never seen before. Now is a time for me to take my focus off of what is trying to kill my spirits and deter it onto the joys and loves of my life.

I'm choosing to accept this pain as a blessing and commit to renewing my heart and mind. This is a conscious effort I have to make due to the fact that I am not the type of person to just brush things off and not let them affect me. I am so easily affected and influenced. My mind can be a prison that so easily cripples my emotions and state. I can't allow myself to sucuumb to this. I simply can't. Whatever the case, it still hurts me so badly and only time and God himself can heal these wounds. I surrender. I can't carry this on my own. It's simply unbearable.

I am simply learning the oh so bitter lessons of life by way of experience and I will come out stronger.

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn. My God, do you learn"
-C.S. Lewis

"After we have suffered, the God of all grace will restore, establish and strengthen us. God promises us that our suffering will ultimately be followed by glory." -1 Peter 5:10

And so I return...

With a most heavy heart. Details are not to be disclosed due to protecting rights and identities but I feel absolutely crushed.

And no, this has absolutely nothing to do with my sweet Ben. In fact, he has been a wonderful source of strength and support for me during this time.

I once heard a quote that went something like this...

"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

Sound familiar?

I've found myself in a grueling situation as of late. Probably one of the most intense, heartbreaking and upsetting situations I have ever been placed in. Moreso because of the longevity of my relationship with certain parties involved.

All I know is that I detest being lied to. Point blank. Deceit is one of the most ultimate betrayals to me and how I got sucked into this, is beyond me.

At this point, I'm simply hoping and praying that a sacred friendship can be salvaged although I fear it could very well be too far gone and that so breaks my heart.

Perhaps I'm being a little too honest here.

Praying and seeking wisdom and a pure heart above all things.

Memory Lane

Let's have a stroll, shall we?

Ben and I when we first dated- Summer of '06.

Summer of '07- My first trip Missions trip to Mexico.

Spring of '08- My dear friend, Katie's wedding.

Summer of '08- Second missions trip to Mexico.

Summer of '08- Beloved friends at our music venue/outreach that my family owned and operated for a year called "The Red Door"

Spring of '09- My beautiful sisters and I on my 22nd birthday.

Spring of '09- 22nd Birthday with friends at Peg Leg Pete's on the beach

Summer of '09- My gorgeous cousin, Sonya's wedding.

I can't believe it's 2010. I also can't believe that I am on the verge of turning 23. How in the world did that happen? I haven't been a teenager for 3 years now. Insanity. Some days I feel like I'm still 17. It's the strangest thing.

I was just going through old pictures and these ones in particular brought back some spectacular memories and I thought I would share. The last 4 years have been a bit crazy and SO much has transpired within them. Life has changed drastically from year to year and I mean, DRASTICALLY. I can only imagine what these next few years hold. I'm so blessed and fortunate to have experienced so much for my young age. I've been to 2 countries, traveled the states numerous times, been in 2 weddings, had one boyfriend, learned another language, played music, completed a plethora of journals, learned so much about myself, realized how important family is, discovered who my dearest and truest friends were, fell in love all over again and more importantly, discovered that life without my creator is so pointless and mundane.

I'm very much looking forward to this next season in my life. I feel it will be a season of tremendous growth, wonder and life. I'm so blessed.

Here's to many more to come...

Homesick.

I'm missing my family extra much this week. I've been SO emotional this week. Poor Ben sat and listened to me cry about it last night. He was so sweet and just listened and held me. I am so lucky to have such a caring and sweet person as my boyfriend.

I miss my mom's cooking, hanging out with my sisters, talking to my parents in person, my dad's silly songs and jokes. I just miss them all so much. It's so weird how "on my own" I actually am now. I do love being independant but I miss my loved ones being in my every day life so very much. I feel like I'm missing out on so much of their lives and vice versa.

Those of you who live far from your familes, how do you cope?

I know that as time goes on, it will get easier. It's just something that I'm having to get used to.

I have an incredible family and sometimes I forget how blessed I am. My parents have been happily married for 24 years and have given us a wonderful life. I grew up in a loving home with a solid foundation. I seriously could not be more blessed. I'm so thankful.

I'm hoping to make a trip up to Charlotte with Ben next month for my 23rd birthday. I seriously can't believe that I'm turning 23. Blows my mind. I hope to be with my favorite people for it. If not, this will be my first birthday ever being away from my family. I don't like that idea, at all.

On another note, my Dad's ministry website is up and running! I'm so excited for him and all that God is doing through he and my mom. So many exciting things are on the horizon for them and I couldn't be more thrilled for them. Check it out here.

Happy Thursday!

Takin' it on back. Now and Then.

I came across this picture the other day as I was going through old photo albums and it just cracked me up so much...

My cousin Sonya and I circa 2002.

Sonya and I this past August at her wedding rehearsal dinner.

Some say we favor each other. I'm not sure if I see it but I'll take that extremely flattering compliment any day ;)

♥

Valentine's day is a somewhat silly and commercialized holiday but when you have a significant other, it is wonderful. :)

I hope you all had a happy heart day!

I know I did.

Ben brought me flowers before church and then after church, he took me to Destin and we ate at Cantina Laredo, a fabulous gourmet mexican restaurant. Their guacamole is to die for. Seriously. Everything about that place is just fabulous. The weather was also absolutely beautiful. Perfect day.

We exchanged gifts. He handmade me a precious card and wrote the most amazing things within it. Made me cry. He also got me a digital picture frame, something that I have been wanting. I got him a picture frame filled with 6 pictures, 3 from when we dated when we were 17 and 3 recent ones. We both loved our gifts.

The night ended with me getting a little sick- ugh. We hung out at my apartment for a bit and I fell asleep, naturally.

It was a fabulous Valentine's day.

I ♥ my valentine.

Finally, some pictures of the apartment...

Here it is! I still haven't had the chance to hang pictures or get a kitchen table but here is the gist. I love it! It's so cozy and perfect.

Sweet Ben pretty much provided us with every solitary piece of furniture with the exception of my roommate's bedroom furniture.

It's perfect. I'm so happy and blessed. :)














The living room.

Loveseat and paper lamp from target that I love :)

One side of our little alley kitchen.

My bedroom. (need to hang pictures)

Meagan's bedroom.

Attempted self portrait to show you our somewhat hideous bathroom wallpaper. Oh well. Character, right?


















Roomie and I!

I'll try and post more when I hang pictures and all that fun stuff. So far, we're really loving it. It's so nice to have our own place! The location couldn't be more perfect and the size is also perfect.

Happy Thursday everyone!

The National Weather Center is calling for SNOW tonight and early tomorrow morning. SNOW! I live in Florida! We don't get snow. We're supposed to get 2-4 inches. That blows my mind. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that we do because then I will have work off tomorrow and I would absolutely love a 3 day weekend! Bring it on, Mother Nature. Then again, people will probably go crazy here. I guess it's a win/lose situation. It would be fun, nonetheless.

Hope all of you northerners are staying nice and warm!

Moved, yet again.

We're officially moved in!

The move went rather smoothly. I ended up with way more than I thought I would at the end of the day! Such a blessing!

I have the sweetest boyfriend of all time and his parents are also quite amazing. They helped me SO much and provided so much as well. Pretty much everything in my apartment is from them. Insane. I don't take it for granted, though. I couldn't have done it without them. So blessed.

Moving day began soon after we went to sign the lease at 9am on Saturday morning. I went and picked Ben up and he helped me load all of my belongings into my car. We moved all day long. It was fun but also, tiring. I was anxious to get everything in and set up and we got it all done before it got dark!

That night, Ben surprised me with a brand new stainless steel coffee pot and microwave! I got dishes, glassware and a new comforter. Everything is coming together really nicely and I feel so blessed!

We don't have internet at the apartment yet, so I haven't been able to update much but I hope to post pictures soon!

Just got news that my Dad will be in Tallahassee this weekend! The circumstance is unfortunate as a dear friend of his has passed away and he will be speaking at the funeral. I'm glad that I will get to see him though. I'll be driving over there this weekend. He's also bringing me a lot of my stuff that has been in Charlotte as I originally had planned to move up there. It will be nice to be reunited with my belongings.

Pictures coming soon...

Guest Blogger.

Well, not really but my mom comprised this beautiful piece of work in honor of yours truly. Tears poured from my eyes when I read this. She has an exceptional gift for writing and her writings most always make me cry. This is something that I will treasure for all of time and I thought I'd share it on here. She has a distinct way with words and means wholeheartedly what she writes. This means SO much to me. I honestly can't even convey how much it means to me.

Read if you please. Here is the link to her blog as well. I encourage you to follow her as she has so much inspiration and wisdom to offer through her posts.

Amber Denae

She can't remember that first day I met her... but I will never forget.
When I heard her little voice, I cried.
All the months of dreaming, planning and wondering,
And here she was, tiny, perfect, naked and loud.
Angrily protesting her birth and curiously alert.

Screaming for all she was worth,
then they placed her in my arms and she looked at me
then settled down and sighed a tiny perfect sigh.
She was perfect, beautiful and so alive!
We counted her toes and fingers, marveled at her beauty.
And I fell hopelessly in love and was forever changed.

No one had prepared me for the torrent of emotions
fierce, protective, overwhelming love for this tiny demanding little creature.
who cared only for her own needs of comfort and hunger.
She captured me so completely with one sigh,
I knew I would move heaven and earth for her happiness.
I would give up sleep and life as I had known it.
Her wish was my command and her every move and sound was celebrated.

I was so proud, as if I had created a masterpiece.
I dressed her like a princess and beamed when anyone stopped to look at her.
I spent hours watching her sleep, and lived for holding her.
When she first smiled at me I melted, I hung onto her every coo and interaction.

And she grew, into an independent and brilliant toddler,
inquisitive and imaginative, full of joy and wonder....
We were amazed at her vocabulary and ability to communicate with anyone.
she was precocious and lovable, our home was filled with love and laughter.

Then when I thought I could never love another soul with such passion....
Along came her little sister,
So tiny, perfection in 5 pounds, sweet and silent, so beautiful and lovable.
And my heart was captured once again.
and then we watched her become the perfect big sister.
watching over, loving and playing with the new baby.
Four years later came sister number three and we all were stretched beyond belief
as we fought and prayed for our little angels life, she was born too soon and was so fragile and sickly, it was weeks before we could even hold her, One of our happiest moments was the day we brought her home and only then did we know we were complete with our three beautiful treasures.

That's when she started becoming so independent, "I can do it myself became her battle cry."
She didn't need me as much and sometimes that hurt.....
Soon she was reading on her own and making her own bed without my assistance.
She was so excited to start school, so small but so brave and excited,
and so in love with school supplies. She didn't even cry that first day,
She had been so excited she had barely slept the night before.
When we left the school she didn't cry like the other children.
She wanted us to leave so she could get on with it, learning and reading and making new friends.

She loved school and she thrived and grew, smarter and more confident.
And I suspected she loved having this world that was hers alone without my assistance.
wisdom and intelligence beyond her years always marked her,
This often led to frustrations and power struggles.
She was strong and stubborn and sometimes unmanageable.
But always a joy and a marvel as I wondered what she was becoming.

Then the tumultuous teen years, headstrong, questioning everything
yet in a crazy unexplainable way so obedient and pure in her questioning.
So committed to excellence and perfection it scared me. So responsible, so young.
And sadly so hard on herself with standards so high no one could reach.
Yet she tried and was so disappointed when there was any failure.
I realized then that I could love her perfectly but would never attain her standard.
That was my most painful realization that I had failed this prodigy child, I could not catch up with her she had outgrown me......

The day she turned 15 she already had made her own appointment, determined to drive.
determined to be independent, to grow, soar and leave the nest.
She had a job from the day she was old enough to and resented us trying to help her.
She insisted on paying her own cell phone bill and buying her own gas. Some parents said we were lucky but I felt a little cheated, I wanted to be needed, to keep taking care of my baby.

College and internships and now a real career,
Today she's looking for her first place alone, she's determined to grow up completely
and I'm proud, I really am but I feel sad, lonely and so empty,
I go into her empty room and look at all the pictures of her with her friends, I hold her pillow and I cry...I don't know how to let go of my precious baby girl yet I know it's not my decision it's hers and I remember the day this relationship started and she started warning me then, not to hold on so tightly...

Written By: Darla Collins aka MOM

Thank you, Mom. I love and miss more you every day!

Our Story (so far)

:Warning:- Super lengthy but extremely detailed.

Our story is definitely not your typical love story. Goodness. It's quite crazy, in fact and definitely one that would take way too long to tell if no details were left out as it covers a near 5 year period. Yes, 5 years.

I believe it was circa 2004. Our home church at the time hosted a summer program for all the youth on Tuesday's called "Lazy Haze Tuesdays" where we would all gather up at the church and hang out, play dodge ball, eat pizza and hang out with the youth staff and interns. One Tuesday in particular I happened to be in the balcony with a former youth intern (I was 16 at the time) as all of the others were playing dodge ball downstairs and we were watching from above and choosing the music in the sound booth. Ben and his friend, Rafi had come in earlier and began playing and they were annihilating everyone in the game, naturally. Former intern began asking me "who I liked" to which I firmly replied "absolutely no one". This was always my response. I was never the typical swooning teenager. I didn't have time for that and was far more concerned with much more "important" things, whatever that may be. I had never dated anyone before.

She started naming different names and pointing out guys in the crowd while I just laughed and rolled my eyes. She then pointed her finger at Ben and said, "Amber, HIM, he's cute!" and then yelled "Hey Ben! This is Amber!" as she pointed to me. I was hot faced and could feel my cheeks turning red as I fell to the ground as to not be seen by anyone. How could she?! I was extremely upset. I felt really embarrassed especially since I had shown no interest and thought, "he must think I'm an idiot!" Little did I know, he was instantly intrigued and began asking questions about me to certain friends of mine. It's funny because now when we talk about that day, he literally remembers what I was wearing! So cute.

I went on about my business and kind of forgot about the whole ordeal- didn't really think much more about the situation except for maybe the fact at how stupid said intern made me feel and look. I was and still am easily embarrassed.

Not too long after, I was at cell group and a friend called one of my friends and asked for my cell phone number to which she replied "why?" and he said, "I have a good friend who needs it". She gave my number to him and I honestly didn't really know who it was that wanted my number. I was of course, flattered but a little suspicious.

The next week, I went to Panama City Beach to stay with my grandparents in their condo on the beach for the weekend. One night I received a phone call and the number was unknown and looked like it was maybe an international call. It certainly was.

I answered and said "Hello" and heard a nervous voice on the other end say "hey".

"Ummm, hey." was my reply. "who is this?"

"It's Ben."

I started putting all the pieces together. He was the one who was wanting my number after all!

He called me from Barbados with a few of his friends and I think it was a dare thing. We talked for a bit and yes, it was a little awkward but a good conversation nonetheless.

I told my sister, Ashton about the whole thing and we just laughed about it and went to bed.

He got my AIM screen name. Remember those, anyone? I remember an unknown screen name notifying me of a conversation someone was trying to have with me and I accepted. It was of course, Ben. We chatted for nearly 2 hours.

He started hanging around all of my friends and the first time we really hung out, we went and saw Napoleon Dynamite with my friend, Meagan and our friend, Sam. We texted a lot and hung out in groups A LOT, yet never alone. I was really scared of going there, honestly. I didn't want to give false hope or anything like that and was really unsure of what my feelings were. The attention was great, the attraction was there and the mystery intrigued me but I was terrified.

I ran. He chased.

We got to a point where we developed a substantial friendship and made emotional attachments but I still was not ready to commit after months and months of him pursuing me. he did the sweetest things in the world- brought me thousands of flowers, took me on a candle-lit picnic in the park downtown, would leave my favorite candy on my doorstep along with a sweet card, would bring me my favorite soup when I was sick and was always there to talk and laugh with. He truly treated me like the most important person in the world and pursued me for months only for me to say "I'm not ready". I've never in my life seen so much persistence. It blew my mind. I really put him through the ringer =/

As time progressed, he worked up the courage to talk to my parents and let them know that he wanted their permission to continue pursuing me and we had our first "real talk" at star bucks the very next day. I'll NEVER forget how nervous and antsy I was. I felt sick the night before from the nerves. I knew what was coming and was so scared of what to say and do. He was so cute and nervous too and pretty much just told me how he felt and how he would like to begin a relationship with me. I, of course was scared and so I said something along the lines of "Not right now but I definitely see potential there." Goodness, I can't believe he didn't give up right then and there. He didn't.

We remained friends but talked every.single.day and of course there were feelings there so we were kind of dating without dating.

I remember being so confused by what others were telling me to do and I subconsciously allowed their opinions and advice to sway and cloud my thinking. I've always cared way too much about what other people think but I've come a LONG way since I was 17, I tell you.

Sweet Ben remained as patient as ever and did not give up after nearly 9 months of this chaos. There are many, many details that would take much too long to convey here but my goodness, he wins the award for being the most patient guy in the world. No one had ever gone to the lengths for me that he did and sadly, I didn't know how to show my true appreciation and left him feeling pretty bummed. I feel horrible about this.

Finally, the day arrived where I made the decision to "go with it". What did I have to lose? If anything, he had proved how much he cared about me and I cared deeply for him. We were basically together anyway, why not put the title on it? So, we made it official after nearly a year.

We (or I...haha) had an extremely moral approach going in to the relationship in the physical aspect. We had never been physical with each other and after making it official, I wouldn't even hold his hand for the first 3 months. Horrible. I'm so cruel. I didn't mean to be, I just wasn't ready. Again, I had never explored this territory before and just didn't want to rush things. He was so sweet about it and never complained about it (not to me at least...haha).

The first time we held hands was precious and something I will never ever forget. He was so cute.

Things were going good and then began going downhill. Mainly because of me. I've always had a hard time communicating verbally. I internalize my feelings and don't open up enough about really important issues and this became a huge roadblock in our relationship as well as some other things. We were so young and while I loved him to pieces, I was still so unsure and scared of everything.

I think we went through quite a few "breaks" and then in May of 2006, officially ended things.

Goodness. So hard.

He wanted to work things out but I just couldn't. I had to do it and I knew that I did. I had A LOT of growing up to do. We both did, really.

So, we were apart for 3 1/2 years. I always cared about him and wanted the best for him but never saw us getting back together in the future. Although, I compared every guy to him. No one ever treated me with so much respect and admiration as he did and has. He was my first everything. Everything. And I still had deep emotional attachments to him.

We both happened to move to Louisiana in the fall of 2006 as the Bible college we attended relocated there. It was weird. We did not talk and in a class of only 60, we saw each other nearly every day. No communication whatsoever. I thought he hated me, quite honestly. Now I know that this wasn't the case...at all. We've talked about it since we've been back together and it's crazy to see where we both were with everything during the last 3 1/2 years. We really missed each others lives as we didn't stay in close contact but we remained civil toward one another and were up to date on what each of us were doing.

So, how did we get here? After 3 1/2 years?

Well it all kind of began with my family's big move to Charlotte, NC late last year. He always stayed close with my family. They loved him and vice versa. He helped us move on the big day along with many other dear friends. That very day, my friends, Beth, Alex and Danielle were helping me pack up a few remaining items in my bedroom and we came across my "box". This box contained every single letter he had ever written me along with pictures and special things I kept to remember certain events. (I keep EVERYTHING). They freaked out and started rumaging through it without my consent and I freaked out because I knew he was right down the hall!! I quickly shut my door and locked it and demanded that they be quiet! I was so scared of the possibility of him hearing the ruckus. Alex (my sweet, beautiful, sentimental, hopeless romantic Cuban friend) began crying as she read and look through pictures. She looked up at my with tears streaming from her eyes and said "Sweet Amber, what happened?!". It was at that every moment that I began to feel something inside of my heart and it FREAKED me out. I quickly gathered everything together and tucked them back into the box and continued packing and going about my business.

Later on that day, Ben, Beth, Matt, Jesse and I had to make a few trips to a storage unit down the road as moving day was hectic as ever and not everything fit into the truck. I was delighted to be around Ben and went on each occasion.

The day my family moved was extremely difficult for me. Extremely. I was a complete basket case as I had to say goodbye to them and my dear home of many years. Beth and Ben were my saving grace. They spent the entire day with me and every day after that for weeks. I could not have done it without them by my side.

Of course there was some communication between Beth and Ben about me and vice versa. She was kind of like the man in the middle. I wasn't sure what was taking place and I was afraid of allowing my vulnerability to take me to a place that I didn't need to go so I refrained without really refraining. We continued hanging out and he did the sweetest things for me. He would drive all the way over to where my work was just to meet me for lunch and then one day asked to trade cars with me and took mine to clean it and detail it. So, so sweet.

I was thoroughly enjoying his company and loved that we were back in each others lives but I wasn't sure what was happening. We talked on the phone for nearly 3 hours one night and caught each other up on what all had occurred during the past 3 and 1/2 years.

I was freaking out. Seriously. Freaking out.

Poor Beth got earful after earful of my craziness but I couldn't have had a better person to listen and give me advice.

We went out to Fish House one night (my favorite restaurant) and had a really good conversation. I think it was then that I told him that no one had ever treated me with as much respect as he did. He has told me since how much that stood out to him and meant to him.

I mentioned in this post and this post about the most beautiful gift that he made me. He basically comprised hundreds of pictures from my entire lifespan and collaborated them into the most gorgeous (and massive) collage ever set in a beautiful custom made frame. I have never been given anything more precious and thoughtful in all of my life. It will always be a most prized possession. He said he did it because he knew how badly I was missing my family and the nature of the gift was geared toward my family, as well as my friends and things that were important to me in my life. Little did I know, I would find a hidden message just a few weeks later that he had etched on the back. Basically him telling me about how he has felt towards me after all these years as well as the lyrics to a song that best described our situation and story- "All We'd Ever Need" by Lady Antebellum...

"I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things that I kept inside of me
And maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need"

I cried my eyes out upon discovering the letter and lyrics. Such a sweet and romantic thing for him to do.

I knew from past experience that he wasn't going to initiate and address the situation as early as I wanted him to as he knew how slow I was in taking things such as this. So, one night I brought it up. It's funny to talk about it now because he tells me that he was absolutely SHOCKED that night. I brought it up though, I did. I knew we needed to talk about it and I had learned a lot about communication and being up front and honest about things. I knew we had to talk about it. So, we did. He took me to what one of our regular date spots used to be. He took me there the night we had our very first kiss so many years ago. The Yacht Club. A beautiful piece of land overlooking the bay and a dock that we used to walk out on. We sat under the moonlight on a swing from a tree and looked out onto the glossy water as we had one of the most wonderful and open conversations I have ever had with anyone. I will always treasure that moment. It was the beginning of something...

A few days later we drove up to Charlotte together to see my family for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time. His family was close by and they came and met up with all of us that weekend. Our familes get along so well and they've always loved the idea of us two together. Before we got back together, our moms were already scheming. Shame. ;)

We became "official" for the second times in our lives on December 14, 2009 and have entered into a more mature relationship than before. We've both grown so much since the last go round and this time is just different. Are there flaws? Absolutely. You find that with every relationship though, right? The difference now is, we're open about it (well, I am- he always has been). and we're working toward improvement. It's a growing process. Things are progressing and its as if no time has passed. We're so happy and excited about the future.

I really believe that God allowed everything to happen for a distinct reason and though we both went through heartache, confusion and pain- it has brought us to the place that we are now and it couldn't be more beautiful and perfect.

Ben is the sweetest, most caring, loving and precious man to ever enter my life (other than my Dad ;) ) and I can't say it enough. I've never been treated better or felt more respected in all of my life. I am so blessed.

There are so many more details that were left out but there is just absolutely noway that I could add any more to this and I'll be shocked if you even made it this far!

Ready to get this show on the road.

I'm getting eager to get the packing, loading and unloading process finished. We still have 5 days until we move in and the anticipation is nearly driving me insane.

I am very much looking forward to not having to make a daily 30 minute+ drive to get into town and then back to my current residence. I've been living in the middle of nowehere-ville and it's getting old. It's been a true blessing having a place to stay and I do not take it for granted but I am SO ready to have a place of my own along with Meagan as well as being in a more centralized location. So exciting.

We are in need of quite a few things. Ben is so sweet and is letting us use a lot of his stuff from when he shared a house with some of his friends. We have a 62 in flat screen television (NOT complaining) that he's letting us use as well as an entertainment center, kitchen table and chairs, living room chair, bed etc. Such a blessing. He is the absolute sweetest!

Unfortunately, most of my stuff is in Charlotte with my parents so until i can make a trip up there to get it, I will have to make due with what I've got.

We still need a couch, dishes, shower curtains, towels, silverware, a trash can, cooking utensils, pots and pans, microwave, coffee pot, bedspread, sheets, pillows etc. Lots of stuff as you can see. Yikes. In time, it will all come together. Its a bit overwhelming thinking about it all though. Slow strides. Some good friends of ours are letting us use their washer and dryer for however long we need to. I can't tell you how much of a relief that is!

I'm the kinda girl who likes to have a plan as well as an execution method rather than "flying by the seat of my pants" when it comes to things such as this and even things much more diminutive. I am well aware that it will not take an entire day to move the little bit of belongings that we have but for some reason I'm finding myself kinda freaking out that when Sunday afternoon rolls around, we won't have everything ready to go. So silly, I know. Ben has to keep reassuring me to chill and that everything will be fine.

It's all coming together and we're very eager to get this going and have a place to entertain and just call our own.

Sunday just can't get here quite soon enough!

My eyes are sick =(

In other news, I checked back with my eye doctor last Friday afternoon to be sorely informed that I absolutely have to take a break from contacts altogether this week. This was extremely disappointing, as I totally despise having to wear my glasses .

Apparently my corneas are severely scarred and if not treated properly now, could require surgery in the future. I have to apply medicated drops 4 times a day to both eyes in hopes that they will be on the mend. According to my doctor, my corneas look like "skinned up knees". Awesome. Not good news. Glasses suddenly didn't sound half as bad anymore. My vanity is just going to have to subside for now as the main objective is for my eyes to be healthy again. So, I'm wearing spectacles and I feel as nerdy and insecure as can be but Ben happens to love them (so he says), so that definitely helps.

I would absolutely love to have lasik surgery. I've done some research and it's definitely something I would invest into in the future should these problems and complications persist. I don't understand why I was born with such horrible vision but it really is a huge inconvenience. My mom has a disease of the cornea called keratoconus. It basically means her cornea is cone shaped as opposed to rounded and creates a plethora of complications impairing depth perception and negating peripheral vision. My grandmother also had this disease. So unfortunate. Thank God that I show no signs of it. However, my eyes are not as heathly as they should be and for me being so young, that is not cool.

So, glasses it is. I feel like I did when I was 9 and got my first pair of glasses. I was so embarrassed to go to school and sure enough, the cruel kids poked fun and made the rudest of comments. I tucked them gently into my backpack for the remainder of the day until my teacher (who noted my squinting and had seen me previously wearing them) demanded that i wear them. It really was amazing how clear my world and surroundings had become by placing these frames upon my nose but being the shy, insecure and very self conscious child that i was, I simply could not stand the fact that my appearance had drastically changed to that of a "nerd". It was a crisis to me. Once I turned 13, I acquired my first pair of contact lenses and swore I would never go back to glasses and I haven't- until now, that is.

I have another appointment on Friday afternoon, so she can check them and maybe try some softer lenses (hopefully).

I suppose this is good for me. I just want my eyes to get better. =/

Perfect fit

As mentioned in my previous post, Meagan and I went to look at an apartment/condominium unit on Friday afternoon and will definitely be moving in next Sunday! We put the deposit down the very next day. After searching high and low for weeks and being nothing but disappointed, we simply couldn't resist this find.

We were more than pleased with the location, safety, space, landlord etc. It's literally in one of the most central locations in town. Ben came along as well- he wanted to make sure he approved (for safety and practical reasons) and he did! Absolutely perfect. We love it and we're SO excited to move in next week! Another big girl step for me. SO ready, though.

I will post pictures as everything comes together but here is one of the outside. We're in the upstairs unit. :)