I'm completely exhausted, yet restless.
Thank you all so very much for your sweet comments of concern and love. I so appreciate every single one of you and your comforting words. I really do. They mean more to me than you know. I never thought that by starting this blog I would encounter such lovely souls who have really helped make a difference in my life. I love reading about your lives and I have learned a great deal from many of you. I covet your prayers and I do not doubt for one second that you are sincere.
We're all stumbling through life. It's a journey and though miles and miles apart, and though we all lead completely different lives, so many of us are dealing with similar situations. This blog is such a great outlet for me. I know it seems corny and I guess the only people who could even remotely understand would be you guys, my faithful readers and fellow bloggers who have been a wonderful support system.
Writing has always been a way for me to really express myself as well as an escape. I do not write what I do for attention or for pity. Not at all. I write to clear my mind and verbalize all that I have internalized. It's very therapeutic. Am I right?
Things are rough right now. Life is cruel. Disappointment and pain ensue. My heart breaks. I'm burdened and weary and I can't seem to find God in all of this chaos though I know He is near to the brokenhearted. I know that there must be some sort of plan through all of this, there must be. Pray that I would remain pure-hearted. I am terrified of bitterness invading and destroying me, petrified. I hope and pray that my heart would remain open and pure through all of this. It's very difficult.
I put a song on here called "Careful Hands" by Sleeping at Last. The lyrics have resonated within my spirit the past two days.
"Put your coat on, this city trembles.
Keep your chin up, as you untangle God
From cold blood and bruises.
We are X-rays of something broken.
Cursive bloodlines write every forecast:
An orchestration Of dissonance and innocent surrender.
When our color dies,
We will bury the ashes of time,
And we will earn new eyes.
Wrists get tired rewriting futures.
Our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit.
We are creatures of habit."
To me, this song says it all right now. I can't figure God out. I never will be able to. Yet, I trust Him and I am attempting to keep my chin up through all of this. I am learning to see God in the mess, hurt and pain. (Untangling God from cold blood and bruises).
I am broken and shattered and I beg and try to reason with God argumentatively only to come to the realization that all I need to do is surrender. Trials and tests are instruments used to shape and form me.
(Cursive bloodlines write every forecast: An orchestration Of dissonance and innocent surrender.)
I know that one day, in time I will realize the reasoning behind the pain and the purpose for the suffering. (When our color dies, We will bury the ashes of time, And we will earn new eyes.)
I can't foresee the future. I am human and I am susceptible to the frailties of human nature. I crave stability and I crave comfort. I am a creature of habit.
(Wrists get tired rewriting futures. Our bodies beg us to be creatures of habit. We are creatures of habit.")
Basically the song is amazing and I just get it. Who knows the depth that truly lies behind these lyrics but they speak to me.
Thank you all again. So very much.
I just want to give you all huge hugs.