Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm losing.

I'm not sure what's worse.

The fact that my sister attempted suicide yet AGAIN or the fact that we are losing. I care and I'm gravely concerned but I am so tired.

I feel numb.


I can't bear to watch my parents go through anything else. I am not going to let her ruin our Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Selfishness is the core. I know she is hurting deeply but the things she puts us through are so emotionally, physically and mentally straining. I feel for her, I really do. This just isn't fair to us though, it just isn't.

People go through much more difficult things in life than just a break-up. People lose children and loved ones, people lose everything and they continue and go on with life.

12:00 am. In a druken stupor, high and completely out of her mind prostrate on the floor of a friend's house. Her wrists slashed and broken from where she purposefully wounds herself. Dad and I pick her up off of the floor and drag her home only to be cursed and yelled at.

I'm not strong anymore but I have to be.

I have to be for my mom but I'm losing.

I don't know my sister. I have no idea who she is anymore.


Ophelia said...

Oh Amber {{{HUGS}}}

Jessica said...

Amber, honey, my heart braks for you as I'm reading these last two posts. I'm just crying for you as I read your words. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wish I knew what to do or say, but I just don't. Hang on, and remember that you don't have to be strong, because Jesus is. He will be your strength through this and will make sense of this mess that makes no sense to us. I'm just so sorry. I wish I could do something.

Sarah said...

I don't know what to say except that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know your sister must be going through something awful and it must be hell for you to have to suffer right along with her. But please know that you have friends who are thinking and praying for you and your family right now.

EastofKnoxville said...

Know that you aren't alone in this. Having a brother (in my case)or sister who can't seem to get a handle on their demons is so hard on families, but God will take care of you, your parents and your sister when she is ready. I'm praying for you.

Chelsie said...

Prayers and hugs to you Amber. I can't imagine having to go through this. Just know we are thinking of you!

Vicki said...

Dear Sweet Amber ~
My heart hurts for you and your parents.
I am truly so so sorry for your pain.
I admire you for not wanting to let her destroy Thanksgiving and Christmas for you guys.
This may sound harsh..but I'm thinking of you, your Mom & Dad....
I'm trying really hard to think of all my experiences with suicides in the hospital here.
You can't help them UNLESS they want it. Even in my job. The only thing I can do, in the hospital is keep them safe.
Whatever they are going thru is in their mind. No one can change it for them.
Has she been to a pshy. hospital? For her own good as well as yours ~ it may be something you guys will have to put her in.
Maybe some meds??? Even then ~ dosages have to be exact. If they are not, then the meds will have to be adjusted ~ again, that takes time.
My heart is aching for you.
I'll be praying for your family.
I know that you have been praying as well.
God does answer all prayers ~ just in his time.
What do you think the lesson is for your sister to learn? Is there something in her life that she can change?
Love ya Sweetie!

Karen said...

Amber I am so so sorry to hear all of these bad things about you. I really would love to come give you a HUGE hug. I know everything will work out as it was meant to, but I understand your frustrations and am always here for you!

Mitzy said...

Amber hon, I am so sorry you and yoru family have to deal with this crap!!.. I know its NOT fair!!!..

It sounds like the best thing for her is to be checked into a hospital for peopel to help her deal with all the things she is doing and get at the real root of it!
But She has To WANT the help as well,, and sometimes it means that those that love her thos most kinda have to step back, and let her come to that choice..

You and your family are so in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this ..

jaime pott photography said...

Thinking of you and your family. I know this is hard..and I don't know what to say but just know that there are TONS of people out there thinking and praying for you. HUGS!!

Shanny said...

Amber, I'm so sorry that you and your parents are being tested this way. I'm so sorry that your sister is in such a state that she is hurting herself and the people who love her along the way. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your sister and the rest of your family, I can't imagine how difficult this must be. Big hug.

Leah said...

Amber, I am praying for you and your family.

aMbErDeNaE said...

Hang in there girl! Im praying for all of you!:) I know this doesnt help much, but I'm thinking about you!

xoxo a

Danya said...

Amber! Goodness, that girl needs to realize her worth - it's so sad to see that she's bought into the enemy's lies. Hang in there, whether you realize it or not, you're an example to her. She's watching you. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I love you girl, and I'm praying for you and your family!

Leslie said...

I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Be strong. You cannot change your sister, you cannot fix her. But like you said, do not let her ruin things. She is hurting right now, and also hurting the family. But nobody can magically make her better. She has to choose it. I pray for her sake and for your families sake that she does. But you must go on. No matter what happens. No matter how difficult. Keep praying. You will get through this. This is so sad. I'm so sorry. My prayers are with you. (((hugs)))