My heart palpitated rapidly and steadily as I approached the doors. I don't know why, but a great deal of anxiety crashed over me like a 12 foot wave, until I was inside and was pummeled by nothing but an endless amount of hugs and cheek kisses. I was absolutely overwhelmed, in a good way and a calm of relief quickly suffused my apprehensiveness.
I had contemplated not going due to the fact that the last time I did, I felt as though I had done nothing but disappointed people as remarks were made to and about me that cut me deeply. One person in particular would not and still has not spoken to me since I departed and my heart still suffers severe scars from this. To this day, I'll never fully understand or know what I have done to make this person resent me. Was it because I left?
My reasoning was valid. My family was starting something new and they needed my help and support and I just simply could not commit fully to both. I did not not want to do anything half-heartedly. My heart was torn, yet at complete and utter peace with my decision and though I had never intended on becoming this disconnected, it happened. It happened because of my insecurity and fear. Fear of disappointing any more than I already had. Or had I? For some reason, this haunts me.
Perhaps I never got the proper closure that I needed? Maybe it's my own fault?
I can't help but blame myself for some of this. I thought for sure that I had done everything right. I gave my notice in a more than timely manner and I explained myself thoroughly. I was terrified as to how this news would be taken only because I did not ever, ever, ever want to disappoint this person or anyone I loved for that matter.
Yesterday was much needed. I should not have waited that long to visit a place where I had left a piece of my heart and soul. God did a beautiful restoration within my heart for myself. I needed it more than I was even aware of.
There is still one person who is cold toward me and it completely breaks my heart. I am not one to brush something off such as this. It has intense effects on me. I honestly don't know how to fix it but it needs to be fixed.
The mere thought of disappointing someone completely horrifies me and makes me feel so insignificant and indescribable. It has got to be the most disheartening feeling in the world.