Monday, March 9, 2009

My heart palpitated rapidly and steadily as I approached the doors. I don't know why, but a great deal of anxiety crashed over me like a 12 foot wave, until I was inside and was pummeled by nothing but an endless amount of hugs and cheek kisses. I was absolutely overwhelmed, in a good way and a calm of relief quickly suffused my apprehensiveness.

I had contemplated not going due to the fact that the last time I did, I felt as though I had done nothing but disappointed people as remarks were made to and about me that cut me deeply. One person in particular would not and still has not spoken to me since I departed and my heart still suffers severe scars from this. To this day, I'll never fully understand or know what I have done to make this person resent me. Was it because I left?

My reasoning was valid. My family was starting something new and they needed my help and support and I just simply could not commit fully to both. I did not not want to do anything half-heartedly. My heart was torn, yet at complete and utter peace with my decision and though I had never intended on becoming this disconnected, it happened. It happened because of my insecurity and fear. Fear of disappointing any more than I already had. Or had I? For some reason, this haunts me.

Perhaps I never got the proper closure that I needed? Maybe it's my own fault?

I can't help but blame myself for some of this. I thought for sure that I had done everything right. I gave my notice in a more than timely manner and I explained myself thoroughly. I was terrified as to how this news would be taken only because I did not ever, ever, ever want to disappoint this person or anyone I loved for that matter.

Yesterday was much needed. I should not have waited that long to visit a place where I had left a piece of my heart and soul. God did a beautiful restoration within my heart for myself. I needed it more than I was even aware of.

There is still one person who is cold toward me and it completely breaks my heart. I am not one to brush something off such as this. It has intense effects on me. I honestly don't know how to fix it but it needs to be fixed.

The mere thought of disappointing someone completely horrifies me and makes me feel so insignificant and indescribable. It has got to be the most disheartening feeling in the world.

5 comments:

Lindsey said...

I have been there!! I know exactly what you mean and I feel the same way about disappointing people! Hugs friend!

Ophelia said...

Amber, the only time I feel bad about disappointing someone is when I know I've done something wrong - like, messed up dinner, was late to a surprise party, or I got angry and said something I didn't mean... However, all these things are things that can be forgiven and the people who love me, forgive and forget - These are the people who matter. The people who would continue to hold a grudge and continue to be disappointed in me over ANYTHING are the people who don't know the meaning of redemption or forgiveness and THEY are the people who need help, not me. You shouldn't let those kinds of people impact how you feel about yourself hun. If they can't understand - if they can't look beyond the past and move with you into the future, then they aren't worth it. You deserve better. You really do. I don't think you really see what a magnificent person you really are.

Robert Henry IV said...

i love how when people write, or do blogs not a soul on earth uses the same sentence structure and vocabulary. it is as if we dumb down in real life, and when on paper or on screen we all talk as if we are masters degree holding philosophers...lol

RunTX said...

I hate that feeling, we are spiritual beings going through a human experience.

shrever87 said...

You are an amazing person, and I know how it feels to feel like you've disappointed someone..but I agree with Ophelia, if you haven't done anything wrong, you cant let them make you feel bad about yourself, because in that they are manipulating you. If you feel you've done something wrong, then, yes, by all means, try to make it right, but if they dont accept you still or still try to hold a grudge, you have to just let it go and realize that you cant make someone forgive you...you have to do your part, but after that, it's up to them whether or not to reconcile, and you cant let their decision bother you. You are an amazing girl and I am so thankful to have you apart of my life and that I get the privilege of calling you my friend. Cant wait to see you in just a few short weeks!! I love you Ber