Thursday, September 10, 2009

Changing...

My trip to Charlotte, NC simply could not have been better. From the moment we arrived until the moment we departed we were showered with love and acceptance and my heart was flooded moreso with love for the Volk family whom I've known for many, many years. I met more amazing people and it was so refreshing to be in a corporate worship service with a community of believers with the same heart and goal. I was so overwhelmed.

My heart swelled with emotion and love and I longed to be apart of what God is doing there. By the end of the trip (which was only a mere two days) I found myself saying "I want to move here". It was the strangest of sorts considering how "attached" I am to Pensacola and my home here per se but I was sweetly reminded this weekend that being apart of something that is purposeful and eternally minded is of utmost importance.

I've learned to just exist. I'm so tired of it.

I'm so dissatisfied with the mundane and complacent lifestyle I've been leading. It's as if a blind has been lifted from my eyes revealing to me what I have been missing all this time and it bothers me that it's come to this point. I'm not doing what I am called to do. I'm not living as though I should. I know better.

I had a dream the other night that really disturbed me and interrupted my peaceful sleep. I awoke with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and began to cry and pray for all of those involved in the dream. I don't know what God is doing or speaking but it must meant something. It was simply too intense and vivid for it to not.

Last night I spent an extended amount of time skimming my old journals and I really started missing myself. I was so in tune with God's voice and so hungry for more of Him in my life. Love seeped from my heart and poured from my being at that time in my life. I was truly a different person. I don't know what happened. How did I get here?

It's quite scary how easy it to become desensitized and comfortable with things that used to offend you. I don't want to be known as judgemental by any means but I do want to be known as one who lives in a godly manner, upright and pure- fleeing the temptations and desires of this world. This world is so destructive and I want nothing of it. My heart feels like its breaking and in a weird sense, it's SO relieving. I am so glad I feel like this and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is God drawing me back to Him.

He never lets us wander off too far...

I'm not sure what is next and I have no idea what to even expect but I do know that I am at a point of sweet surrender, for I can do nothing else. My efforts pale in comparison to His faithfulness.

This is something I wrote nearly 3 years ago when my family was facing a trial of sorts. It spoke volumes to me last night, 3 years later...

Longing for answers that lie in unawaited territories of my mind. Hoping and praying for the moment when my eyes are truly opened to see all that is in front of me, clearly and vividly.

Limitations seem to be a weakness and expectations, an even greater one. When will I come to the complete realization that He really is in control. I seem to say and believe it so nonchalantly but do I truly believe and trust with my entire heart?

I so desire to come to the place that has been so long awaited.

The eagerness that I contain overrules my fear. Although the path before me is unclear and hazy, I am stepping out in faith and a totally surrendered will.

When you have come to edge of all light that you know and are familiar with and you are about to drop off into the abyss of darkness and the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.


______________________________

Here are lyrics to a song I simply cannot stop listening to lately.

"More Than Ashes"
by Tim Reimherr

I’m more than what these ashes say
They will fade away when He comes for me
By grace, through faith in Christ I’m saved
I am not the same when He looks at me

I am the rose, the joy for which You died
And this I know, I move You with delight
And when my heart condemns on every side
I take refuge in the truth: I am the rose to You

My life is more than meets the eye
I’m hidden now in Christ and I’m one with Him
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me

I am the rose, I am the lily

I am Yours, I’m Your beauty

I’m more than what these ashes say

‘Cause they will fade away when He comes for me
My love is real before His eyes
He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me

______________________________

Much love.

Amber

5 comments:

Jessica said...

Beautiful, Amber. I can't tell you what God's doing, either, but I know He is working, has a fantastic plan for you, AND will see it to its completion. Your heart is so passionate for Him, and I can honestly say I understand some of your feelings and wish I, too, could come to a place of honest, true, sweet surrender. It's a process, and we all have to learn how to get there.

Thank you for your honesty, and for sharing your heart with us as you figure it all out. Blessings to you.

Morgan said...

I love this post. I am amzed by the amount of spirituality your heart and mind holds, and it shines through your words. I'm a bit ashamed that it took my Grandmother passing away for me to let God back into my heart in a way I never have before. I find myself praying more than ever now, and for things I've never praid for/about before. Like Jessica said, we don't always know what He is doing, but he will open your heart to see it soon. When it happens, you will know that is your plan, that's what He wants you to do.

Lindsey said...

What an amazing post. You are a very talented writer!

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I'm glad you had such a great and amazing time. I love your honesty.

Elizabeth Banta said...

Amber, I think it is amazing that God is changing you in the ways that He is. I was SO excited reading this, u have no idea! I love the way that God deals with our hearts, as a gentlemen leaving us with a new passion, never condeming us or making us feel like failures. You have been on my mind a lot lately, and the only thing I knew to do for you was pray. I have always seen this fire in you that I KNOW is different & unique. God has so many amazing things waiting for you. Never, EVER lose sight of that. You are so called and I think like myself, you should def use this season to reconnect with Him and allow that passion/love for him to grow like never before.

Much love (: