Sunday, October 19, 2008

The worst part...

Leaving her in that Psychiatric Center for rehab was the equivalent of someone knowingly ripping my heart out of my chest. Her demeanor was enough to make my heart feel as though it was in my chest as a steady flow of tears streamed from my tired eyes.

In that moment I wished we were 5 & 6 again, the unbelievably close relationship we had was inseperable. We were attached to each other and though we fought, as all sisters do we always knew that no one could ever break or share the bond that we shared. She was my first friend and the only one who has been with me through everything, close to me.

I realize now more than ever in my entire life that I need her. I can't lose her. I felt like I was going to die that night in the hospital. I couldn't breathe and my body was fighting itself. It was all so surreal and all such a wake up call to reality at the same time for me.

When I broke, I really broke. I had so much pent up inside of me that when released, completely depleted me. I wanted to punch something, I wanted to curl up in a ball and just weep, I wanted to throw things, I wanted to yell at God and I did. I yelled at God.

I just keep remembering David in the Bible and his honesty toward God and how he never held anything back from Him. I felt like that. I felt the urge to tell and scream at God and be so honest with Him about my feelings. I had to do it.

She was terrified last night.

That place was awful, like something from a scary movie. I would never have been able to sleep in there and I doubt she did.

I held her as we both wept before we departed and I felt her reach out to me for the first time in a very long time. I felt that a mending has begun to take place and in that instance I realized how blessed I was to have her in my life and how important our relationship as sisters is.

I was restless all night as I pictured her in there and how alone and crazy she must have felt. I would have stayed with her if i could.

She doesn't belong in her unit- the people are insane, she is in her right mind.

Today her Doctor will do an evaluation to move her to the other side which is not on lockdown and she will have her own room.

I'm so worried about her. I know she must be feeling so awful.

Continue to pray for her, my family and I. My mom is taking all of this so hard as you can imagine a mother would. Pray that God gives me wisdom, love, and the words to say to Ashton. Pray that I would be sensitive to this situation and that God would take all of this and turn it into something beautiful.

Thank you all so much, your prayers have worked. Her organs are functioning properly and there is no damage- I'm telling you- considering the situation, that is a miracle! Only my God is able to do what was done. So, all of the prayers thet were lifted did not go unnoticed. God is so faithful to hear our cries and His grace and mercy is unfathomable.

Thank you.

Much love,
Amber

3 comments:

jaime pott photography said...

Sending prayers and patients your way. God has a plan, you will get thru this with your sister. Be strong for her, as hard as that may be.

Sarah said...

If there is anything that I have learned about God, it is this: He can handle it ALL. There isn't a single emotion, even anger, that you can't just give up to Him. He can take it.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and his mighty power."--Ephesians6:10

Andrea said...

You came to mind this morning as I was getting ready and I lifted you and your family up in prayer.

Your post breaks my heart! Psalm 88 came to mind as you were describing your emotions and anger.

Stay strong, dearie. I know it's hard but remember where to gather your strength from.