Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dreaming, living, learning...

Why is it that the totality of what is real retains our desires and keeps our dreams as being simply dreams and nothing more?

Fearing to pursue your dreams and desires is a waste of dreaming.

Why have hopeful thoughts and wish for something attainable if you'll fail to make strides toward a goal in order to fulfill a purpose you believe you were created for?

Stepping outside of comfort and stability is the first stride you must make, yet is probably the most difficult. Believing in yourself, clinging to your faith and trust and staying true to who you are and what you believe defines a person. I believe I have not fully encountered and pursued that which I was created for. I believe that God has a much bigger plan than I even have for myself, yet my human mind cannot grasp nor can fathom the mystery of His purpose, the secrets of His heart and the vastness of His thoughts. I guess there really are no words I can say, write or even feel to describe what I feel, it's utterly impossible. I could sit here and type a million words and probably never get my point across because it goes far beyond myself and this english vocabulary that I humbly attempt to utilize hoping to successfully convey that which is confined within my small brain and big heart seem to be more of a strain. Words spill over blunderingly, severley straining the powers of endurance in hopefulness. Hopefulness that whoever reads this isn't totally and completely confused and can somehow and in some way remotely understand ?? If not, then still my time was not spent wastefully. No. I'm entering a new place where opinions of man are not of highest value to me, I've allowed that to get the best of me and to consume a good percentage of my thoughts, thus enforcing my actions and greatly affecting my self esteem. I know who I am. My identity lies not in myself or my striving efforts to be someone, but in He who created me and knows my every thought, hope, desire, wish, intricate detail, feelings, hurts, weaknesses, pride, what I'm going through, and how I truly feel even when I, myself don't understand. My mind cannot comprehend this truth but I know that it is truth.

If I don't have faith and if I don't believe then I am of no value or worth and life is of no importance. How am I supposed to live without a purpose? I can't begin to believe that life just "happened". I'm a dreamer, I wish, I believe, I have faith and I know that my faith is what keeps me going because if not for that, I would be in a dreadful place right now.

If not for the fact that this is all for something more, something holding meaning and something beyond me then I would have given up long ago. Nothing has been wasted, no time has been consumed, no tear has been in vain and no pain has been without reason or without deep meaning. I've hurt. I've withstood. I've backed up. I've observed. I've kept silent. I've said much. I've been doubtful. I've been fearful. I've lost hope. I've lost trust. I've been bitter. I've let pain overrule me and I've had shame but I've also forgiven and been forgiven and I've objected to everything that poisons my heart and that taints my pure thoughts.

My Faith has kept me strong and I've continued dreaming. Don't kill your dreams for fear of what they might say. Don't neglect your heartfelt desires because they seem impossible. There's more than I thought, there's more than I know and there's so much more that I've yet to discover.

Endeavoring on a journey so adventurous, bewildering, alarming and totally frightening, I must.

Life is what you make it. I have the power to change my perspective and to look beyond my current circumstances. I am no longer subject to that which brings me down and wishes to defeat me.

1 comment:

Karen said...

First off, thank you so much for commenting on my blog, it made me day. :)

This blog was amazing, it really inspired me. I always seem to forget that there is a place for me in this big world and that I will slowly discover it and mold into who I was meant to be.

Thank you Amber, you are awesome! :)