My heart has endeavored on an endless journey of seeking fulfillment in crooks and spaces in which I find myself increasingly lost and alone. Indefinitely, I've ceased to dream and I've allowed myself to become so complacent and comfortable with the way things are, though I am so unhappy and dissatisfied. My crooked little fingers have tightly clutched every bit of stability and comfort I encounter because it makes me feel safe and free from vulnerability and harm.
In moments passing, I have become numb, devoid of emotion and indifferent to that which used to make my heart beat fast, live and dream. I have permitted doubtful, uneasy and fearful thoughts and emotions to invade my mind and negatively influence my demeanor stealing from me, my vitality, vision and passion.
I've become a victim of complacency and as much as I hate to admit that, if I avoid it I am simply lying to myself. Things that used to grieve and offend me, I now take part in because I am desensitized. Not particularly evil or gruesome activities but certain things that I would have never considered in the past have slowly crept up on me whispering "it's okay, Amber. It's okay to think those thoughts, it's okay to feel that way, it's okay to say those words, it's okay to watch those movies, it's okay". All along, my conscious reassures me that it is in fact, not okay nor permissable.
I create excuses for myself and justfy my reasoning only to find myself deeply grieved and saddened by my actions because they are not who I am. They are not me and yet, they have defined and changed who I am lately.
I am a dreamer and though very human and imperfect, I am striving to live a life pleasing unto the Lord and in submission to Him as well as my authorities. I desire my heart to reflect His and I desire my actions to reflect my heart- His heart.
I'm learning many lessons day by day, week by week and year by year. I'm learning what it means to surrender, to lay everything down and to give every burden to Him. I am learning what it means to be truly broken and how in my brokenness, my true light shines. The things which I can mask and hide from everyone else can not be hidden from Him nor myself, and in those moments of pure brokenness, where I admittedly confess my imperfections and failures is when I yield to His hand and and relinquish my own strength that is oh so weak. I am learning how in need I am and how I do not have all the answers, nor will I ever.
In essence, I am learning who I truly am and who I do not wish to be.
I'm cleaning house. I've become so disappointed in myself and in my efforts lately that it has done nothing but lacerate me and attempt to deplete me. I do not want to be who I was in the past and I do not want to be who I am now. I want to be Amber. My life has been a culmination of many different things that have undoubtedly shaped me, either for the good or the bad. I've attempted to be something that I clearly wasn't, I've been what others wanted me to be, but I still don't think I have it down yet. This has been a very interesting, eventful and a sometimes disheartening road to travel to say the least, but I believe with each day and with each new decision, I am becoming me all over again.
I wrote a Me blog recently, dissecting my personality and evaluating myself and I discovered and was able to lay hold of my heart again. I believe for the first time in a very long time I have finally begun to somewhat grasp who I am. There are so many things that I left out, and so many things that have yet to be fashioned and perfected or shattered and ruined about me that will be in time. With every situation, change, circumstance and situation I will discover so much more.
I surrender. I am allowing my grasp to be loosened as I release my wants and my desires and exchange them for His. I am going to live again, dream again, have faith again and trust again. I'm a materpiece in the works. Lately I've taken the brush and tried to paint something and in doing so, I completely interrupted the process. Thankfully, the true artist realizes that despite my efforts to make something beautiful and totally making a mess in my attempt, I am only proving that I am in need of His grace. He tenderly retrieves the utensils from my hands and places mine in His as he delicately and gracefully revives and renews with each brushstroke and splash of vivid color.
I'm coming alive again.