Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Modifying Moments

I’ve begun to reminisce about days gone by, different things and defining moments that have influenced me and inspired me to be the person I am today. People who have challenged me, motivated me and pushed me beyond my boundaries and into more than I thought I was capable of.

-The night I truly dedicated my life to Lord, when my life changed and when I desired to know God, seek and pursue Him. I was 11 and I will never forget my heart literally feeling as though it would pound out of my chest due to my inability to breathe, my whole body ached as I heard the most intense salvation message I had ever heard. Yeah I was raised in church- practically born in church and I knew about the Bible and Jesus but I never really knew Jesus. I knew about Him, I sang about Him and I learned about Him but I never grasped or scratched the surface of this man I often colored pictures of and heard amazing stories about. I remember that night so well, I remember where I was and everything, that message felt like an eternity and I could feel my soul, I could feel my spirit and I knew that I did not really know God and I ached to. I ached to experience true salvation and a true experience with the creator of the universe and this man who gave His life for me. My mouth was dry and I was doing everything within my power to hold back the flow of tears (I never liked showing emotion publicly; I was always a very private person). My whole body was shaking and it was almost as if I was in a sprint for a race impatiently waiting for the blow of the whistle to take off. Finally after what seemed an eternity He gave the altar call and I did not hold back, I knew I needed to get right up there and immediately, I ran. I fell to the floor and I began to weep, never like I had before in my entire life. It was a deep wail from inside of me and I began to repent and cry out to God in a real way. I felt Him, I had never felt Him that strong and I knew He was there. It wasn’t just something I was told anymore- it was something I knew because I experienced it. I don’t remember much after that except I was on the floor for a long, long time and different people came and prayed for me and hugged me. I just stayed there, I didn’t want to get up, and I didn’t want to leave- I’m sure it was well over 2 hours before I got up and I was never the same. I was a new creation, I really had Jesus and I really had a burning passion to know Him and be with Him more than ever before.

-The time I cried my eyes out on the hard cold floor of the little chapel at youth camp for hours that I felt I had actually become one with the ground just because I wanted Him so badly and I wanted to live for Him and nothing more.

-Moments spent in sweet silence when my heart would be filled to capacity with the things that God was speaking to me.

-Days when I would live and seek out just to talk to one person about my faith and always looking for opportunities and reasons to do so.

-Deep talks with dear friends enriching and refreshing each other’s souls.

-Diving into the word and clinging to every single word I read as if I had not eaten in days.

-Moments of utter abandonment and sweet surrender, not just feeling as though I was losing control but allowing Him to take control for me.

-Hour upon hour spent in the secrecy of my bedroom in silence listening to hear Him speak and crying out to Him.

-Passionate times of worship and adoration pouring from my lips and abounding from my heart of hearts in awe of who God is.

-The simple sweetness of a conversation with my dear friend Meagan about our dreams and hearts.

-Those moments when I felt insignificant and God would send a special person to say a few small words to reassure me He hasn’t forgotten nor are my prayers and cries diminutive.

-Being pushed outside of my comfort zone and into a position I had no reason in obtaining and watching God use me despite how inadequate I felt.

-Accepting the need to surrender and learning what it means to truly lay it all down and take up your cross- (I still need to work on that).

-Moments spent in brokenness, tears pouring with a continuous flow, words were absent as emptiness surfaced. Yet, I could feel myself becoming closer than I had ever been.

-Moments of betrayal, disappointment and hopelessness- when people who I thought were everything turned out to be different and hurt me. Their facades and masks eventually wore off and revealed what was truly inside.

-When I realized that I need not put my hope in man- they always fail and they always disappoint, even I, myself disappoint.

-The times I lost loved ones, the grief and heartache I experienced, the emptiness that it left me and the complete dependency that it created.

-Learning lessons the “hard” way, by experience.

-The day I realized that I wasn’t stuck- and just because I had never dated anyone and vowed to only date my husband did not mean I had to marry the only person I had dated when I knew it wasn’t right.

-Morning coffee and conversation with my mom.

-Having the profound opportunity of serving in a Spanish church- I loved it and I learned so much. It was a beautiful experience.

-Every missions and ministry trip I’ve ever been on- they’ve all been amazing, eye opening and life changing.

-Every opportunity I’ve had to meet amazing men and women of God- little God encounters with people who have like spirits with mine and hearts similar to mine- ah so refreshing and encouraging.

-Moments when God reminds me of His faithfulness, in the little things and the big things.

And there are still so many more- I would not be who I am today if not for all of these things, moments, people, hurts, disappointments, brokenness and opportunities. If you have contributed any amount to who I am today, good or bad, whether it be a family member, close friend, acquaintance, or leader in my life, I thank you deeply, you have made a difference in the person that I am today. Thank you.

-Amber Denae

1 comment:

aMbErDeNaE said...

this is amazing! I love reading what you have to say, as I can relate quite a bit. You too have a beautiful heart, and it def. comes through in your writing! Yea for blogs!:) Hope all is well, Mexico seems like it was amazing!

xoxo a