The other night I was spending time with the Lord and it was so sweet and utterly divine. I could feel His embrace and in the midst of my confusion and hurt, I encountered a peace that was so serene and so real. Tears began to pour from my eyes when I began to think of His faithfulness in my life- in the smallest things and in the really big things. I was overwhelmed as I traced His fingerprints throughout my years and I just could not help but stand in absolute awe of His splendor.
Here I am, this feeble, broken, screwed up human being always trying to do things the way I think they should be done and I always seem to make a big mess in doing so but every single time He reaches down, takes my hand and helps me fix it. I am so in need of Him and His perfection. I love how no matter how many times I've doubted Him, hurt Him and didn't trust Him- He proved me so wrong and broke me in every aspect only to draw me closer to Him.
Broken, shattered I've become. I've come to realize that, that is in fact what I need to always be. I don't have to be perfect and put together all the time. He loves me the way that I am and He made my imperfections- to Him they are beauty. The moment I begin trying to impress others in my human-ness and hiding that which he created me to be is when my beauty fades. My beauty is in my brokenness. Humility is what He desires to clothe me in, for He is humble in spirit and we are to imitate His character. My prayer is that I would remain broken, beautifully broken and so wonderfully imperfect because that is when He takes over and uses me in my inadequacies. I am overwhelmed and so at peace with His methods. They may not always be the easiest but they are the truest and most defining.
Somehow, uniquely, God desires to use those difficult moments of our lives to bring forth something extraordinarily beautiful. Even the natural creation attests to this truth. In fall, we marvel at the gorgeous, lush and burnished orange, brilliant red, and bright yellow leaves, even as that beauty belies the slow and gradual death of those leaves. Winter buries those leaves under the cold, dark blanket of snow and frost. And yet, death brings forth life. Spring bursts forth year after year with jonquils, iris, lilies, and all the beautiful pastels of new life.
During a time of deep despair and suffering, King David wondered about God's ability to be present in his dark places--to bring about beautiful redemption in the midst of brokenness. He cried out to God, "Will your lovingkindness be declared in the grave, your faithfulness in Abaddon? Will your wonders be made known in the darkness? And your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?" (Psalm 88:11-12). David wondered about God's work in his life--had he been abandoned? Was God still guiding him even in the deepest, darkest places of brokenness and fear? And even in those places seemingly forgotten, would God continue to make things right? David struggled to see how beauty could emerge out of brokenness. And yet, he later affirmed in Psalm 139, "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there... if I say, 'surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."
It is in those dark places of brokenness and suffering that God brings forth luminous light so that even the dark is illuminated.
Thank you Lord for breaking me, even when it hurts and even when I oppose.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise. -Psalm 51:17