Disappointed, disgusted, and sickened by it all...

Do you want to know what my #1 frustration is right now? I can’t tell you how my blood boils at what I am about to tell you. I get so angry and I have to constantly remind myself that it’s out of my hands and that we are all human, however it makes my frustration no less.

I recently gained knowledge of something that disappointed me deeply, made me sick inside and actually angered me. Apparently the guy who wrote the song “Healer” on the new Hillsong album, “This is our God” faked his cancer and has been living a lie about his cancer for 2 years and has been dealing with addiction to Pornography for 16 years! Mind you, he has been a pastor during this entire time and there were funds set up for his cause, people touched and impacted by His story and the song “Healer” has become a hit and recently was #2 on the Christian music/worship charts. I actually watched the video of His “testimony” and cried and was deeply moved by this story of faith and difficulty and then found it all to be a web of lies! He deceived his church, tens of thousands of believers and even his own family!! I can’t believe it! You can read an article and see an interview on the whole thing here.

Not only is this deception sickening and disappointing to me and so many others, but it also harms baby christians and maybe cause people who may have this illness to lose hope or to not believe in healing. I'm not saying that God doesn't heal, because I believe FIRMLY that he does. However, lately it's almost as if this subject has been mocked from the whole "Healing Revival" with Todd Bentley to this whole situation. It just makes me so mad. Lying and faking something for what?! Money?! Is that what it has come to? Fame? Maybe he just wanted to be well known or it could be that he was trying to cover up his secret life of pornography addiction. But going as far to shave your head, carry around an oxygen tank, going to doctors and sending fake e-mails to your family and loved ones as a doctor and stating that their son or husband has a terminal illness! Also, speaking at numerous churches, gatherings and rallies encouraging and inspiring the young, old and sick and it all being a big fat lie. I'm sorry but that is SICK! I am so bothered by all of this. I am so tired of fake people and hypocrites. I am so sick of lying, I'm tired of political games in the church. I'm tired of big money making ministries and people who could give a crap less about people yet proclaim to be a "Man of God" from a platform. I am just done with it all and I am by no means saying that everyone is like this, but it seems that the majority are- at least in my life. I've been in church after church, seen leader after leader live a double or secret life of sin and hidden agendas and quite frankly, I'm just downright sick of it all. I hate it when people preach one thing and live another, it disgusts me. I'd rather be a sinner than a fake christian or a hyprocrite.

It makes us all look absolutely stupid. I don't undserstand how people can get away with it for such a long amount of time. Doesn't it eat away at them constantly?! I wouldn't be able to lie my head on my pillow at night and get a wink of sleep if I knew I were living a total lie and deceiving thousands upon thousands of people. Let alone take their money for my so called "cancer". I don't know how one lives with themselves in doing so, I just don't get it.

God help us. We've completely screwed everything up and we've blasphemed your name. We've spoken as though you were speaking when you were actually silent or saying something completely different. You must be so ashamed. Give us ears to hear YOUR voice over all these false prophets and teachers running so rampant today.

I am just so tired of hearing of this EVERY day. It seems as though it is every day that something new comes up regarding this subject whether it be someone I know personally, someone known widespread or just someone I know of. Why is it? It's doing so much harm within the church and among christians. Not to mention it's fueling the fire of people who mock us and hate us. I've seen more people than you know completely do a 360 turn away from God because of being wounded or disappointed by leadership in ministries and it really bothers me!

This problem seems too big to be fixed. Who knows how many people are actually real anymore. I've come to the point where I just automatically think the worst and I hate to admit it because it's awful but I can't help it. If I even told you about every church split, every leader who lied to my family, every person who turned their backs on us when they realized that their freaking job was at risk so they stood up for a lie and ultimately slapped us in the face- I could go on but I do not like to revisit those awful memories. I've been through heartache, sure. My family has been betrayed, haven't we all? I'm okay though and you know- there was a point where I was bitter at God for all of it and I was angry and just really hurt deeply. However, since then God has opened my eyes to all the deceit and hidden agendas of man that He was NOT in and He helped me to see that He had no part in hurting us- it was all man. He got me through it and He made me stronger. I can't get the taste out of my mouth for big ministries though. Having gone through what I did, seeing what "really" went on behind the scenes I tend to automatically categorize every big "superstar" ministry and preacher in that category. I just dismiss them as "fake" and hypocrites. I realize though that I need not do that. I am not one to judge man's hearts- I can judge their actions but not their hearts, for I do not know their hearts. For all I know someone who I think is real and genuine could be fake and someone who I think is fake could be real. I'll tell you one thing though, I am a lot more careful about being sucked into "movements" than I was before.

I just pray that God keeps my heart pure through everything and CONSTANTLY reminds me to put my trust in HIM and not in any man. I'll be honest I have a hard time trusting any "leader" anymore. I've just seen a lot. I'm not justifying my feelings, I'm just being honest.

I'm not even sure if I want to be associated with the word "Christian" anymore. So many have so tainted that precious name. I feel as though heads turn and faces are made behind my back when I proclaim to be a "christian". No, i am not ashamed to stand up for God, but maybe saying something along the line of "I'm not a fake Christian, I'm a human in need of God's grace and I simply love Jesus" would help clear things up.

Ahhhh, I need to calm down a bit because after seeing what I just saw, I'm a little preturbed and somewhat sickened. I'm going to adjourn for now.

"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them."
Matthew 7:15-20

"But there were also false prophets in Israel, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will cleverly teach destructive heresies and even deny the Master who bought them. In this way, they will bring sudden destruction on themselves. 2 Many will follow their evil teaching and shameful immorality. And because of these teachers, the way of truth will be slandered. 3 In their greed they will make up clever lies to get hold of your money. But God condemned them long ago, and their destruction will not be delayed."
2 Peter 2:1-3




The Bible speaks clearly of all of this for a distinct reason.

No true prophecy will contradict the written Word of God. Isaiah 8:20

Therefore, know the word of God. I need more knowledge in that area, especially in this day and age considering there are so many people who have so distorted God's Holy word. How sad it is, yet so true.

I can't stand liars. I need more compassion for liars I guess because I don't really have much. I know I need to pray for this man and all other fake leaders for that matter and their families. I imagine that this mans family is in utter turmoil over all of this right now. I can't even imagine.

Leaning on Jesus is all we can do. He won't lie to you, I promise. He also doesn't encourage others to do so. If you've been a victim of anything like this and your heart has been hardened by a "Christian" who turned out to be living a double life or by a Leader who let you down let me just tell you that I am terribly sorry that you were hurt in that way. It is so hard, I know and it hurts, it burns you. However, this is NOT God's will. He does not condone those acts and He never intended for that to happen to you or anyone for that matter. We are humans and we are so imperfect. You should never have had to go through what you did, but maybe God can use it for His glory after all. Just come to the realization that HE was not involved in it and He will not mislead you. Thats really all i have to say. I pray that this doesn't cause many to fall away, I've seen it more than once....